Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Ranking LA


There are only 7 neighborhoods in Los Angeles that matter.

Everything else is either for families trying to afford a house or people that have multiple cats.

I will now rank those neighborhoods for you based on three important factors ranked 1-8

Cost to Dopeness Ratio: The CDR weighs how expensive a neighborhood is comparative to how rad it is to live there. Obviously it's cheap as fuck to live in Burbank(not ranked!) but the most fun thing to do there is smoke meth and develop a cutting addiction. This would lead to a relatively low CDR. Conversely some place like downtown that is still cheap but offers heroin hobos AND up and coming night life would score higher.

Social Media Jealousy: SMJ scores how much your Instagram photos make your friends back in Ohio want to divorce their wife, leave their kids, and come hang out with you.

Quality of Life: QOL is a catch all, you may live somewhere awesome but does this give you a two hour drive to work? Is parking a complete pain in the dick near you? Are the homeless people in your neighborhood (because every neighborhood has them) violent? How walkable is your neighborhood, do your Ubers surge often? Can you safely black out at a cool bar and walk home with a dead phone without fearing for your life?

Again, since I will only be ranking 7 neighborhoods. Some have been combined.

Not ranked: The entire valley (except the Oakwood, that place is lit) everything east of downtown, everything south of USC, 661 and 626, Miracle Mile, West Hollywood Adjacent, Beverly Hills Adjacent, Anything else fucking adjacent. Pasadena, I fuck with you but only on Saturdays during the fall.

7. Hipsterland (Highland Park, Atwater Village, Eagle Rock)
CDR: 4 SMJ: 2 QOL: 3 Total: 3

Northeast Los Angeles is still better than your shitty hometown but not by much. It cracks the top 7 merely because of its proximity to cooler places. I have been to Northeast Los Angeles one time and it was to buy a bird in Atwater Village for the film Paranormal Activity 4. I had to PROMISE to take care of this bird and do it no harm.

I broke that promise. Come at me PETA.

NE LA is still somewhat affordable (because it's still somewhat ghetto, don't worry it won't be in 5 years...ghetto or affordable that is) but there is nothing cool there outside a wannabe prestige liberal arts college and a couple street murals. Also they filmed Reservoir Dogs there, so that's something I guess.

6. Ellis Island (In between La Brea and Western and Franklin and 3rd)
 CDR: 4 SMJ: 5 QOL: 3 Total: 4

Almost every single person that moves to Los Angeles will move to this patch of god forsaken soil in Central LA consisting mostly of 'Hollywood.' Do you know why? Because it's disgusting and cheap. Hollywood Blvd is a sess pool of depression that should be carpet bombed and most of the apartments in a 4 mile radius were built in the 1950s and haven't been cleaned since.

You ever take an extra long shower because you did something immoral and you want to wash the shame off? Hollywood is that feeling personified.

But...again, since every person that moves here is a white college educated person 22-25 at least being partially supported by their parents Hollywood is lit as FUCK. I mean it's nothing but clubs and bars full of morally depraved millenials trying to do drugs and get it in. Sure, if you live here your life is horrific but for about 4 hours every Friday and Saturday, but those 8 hours can be a lot of fun.

5. Almost the beach (Mar Vista, Culver City, Palms, Playa Vista, West LA)
CDR: 5 SMJ: 4 QOL: 4 Total: 4.5

I can almost see the logic in this. "We could get a lot more bang for our buck if we moved kinda to the beach but like three miles inland." That's how you end up with a super average existence living on a small off shoot of Sepulveda, walking to Big Foot West and claiming that downtown Culver City is up and coming! Hell you might even be able to convince people to come do a karaoke night with you at Backstage, or even better a Purple 33 warehouse party...but your neighborhood will always be a little meh.

Easy access to two major freeways aside, the best part about this region is that it's a $9 Uber to lots of cool shit. And these people will always claim the west side, but they will always kind of be frauds. Kinda like spring pledges in a frat. Living NEAR the beach is a half measure.

4. Industryland (Westwood to We Ho to Beverly Hills to the Hills)
CDR: 2 SMJ: 6 QOL: 5 Total: 5

You may think that calling the 405 to La Brea and Pico to Mulholland one neighborhood is a little ridiculous, but it's roughly the same life experience. You work at an agency, you brunch in Beverly Hills, you hike Runyon. You're as basic as they come. Today was a huge fucking day for you because Runyon reopened. Let the selfies resume! You probably have a significant other and a dog. A lot of your decisions probably revolve around where to go to dinner, and whether to go to the birthday party at Laurel Hardware first or just skip it and go to Palihouse.

This existence is fine. Everyone has granite counter tops over here and there are lots of hot chicks that were probably in the one good Jewish sorority at your school. Most of their Bumble photos will feature yoga pants.

Also if you're gay go ahead and bump that QOL score to 6, because if I was gay I would be hanging out at the Abbey drinking super strong drinks, screaming the words to Lady Gaga songs every day. This actually seems like a decent time. Will someone take me to the Abbey?

3. Eastsiders (Los Feliz, Silverlake, Echo Park, DTLA)
CDR: 6 SMJ: 5 QOL: 5 Total: 5.5

Look, the east side is not for me. But I imagine there are people that truly do like antique shops, or quaint record stores. I'm sure there are people that don't mind that it's 20 degrees hotter than it is at the beach. If you are not classically beautiful (6'3 190 pounds men...5'2 108 pounds women) this is a spot for you, because you can dress weird and people will call you a 'hipster' instead of 'ugly.'

There are probably people that love going to see bands every night called 'The Cis feminist Non-GMO movement' and have trans friends. There are probably people that wear leisure hats non-ironically. There are probably people that actually appreciate art.

I am not one of those people, but like if that's what you're into, go live among your own far far from me.

2. Westsiders (Brentwood, Santa Monica, Venice, MDR, Malibu)
CDR: 5 SMJ: 8 QOL: 6 Total: 6.5

I moved 2000 miles to California, I wasn't going to stop 2 miles short of the beach. No, I moved into a 3 bedroom, 1 bath that I can barely afford and it's fucking dope. Every day is the first day of summer, everyone is attractive and healthy. You literally wake up every morning walking on sunshine.

The flipside? Well it's expensive. Like really expensive. You will likely have a shitty commute to work and you will lose all of your friends that live east of the 405. You quickly forget about this the first time you ride your bike to a beach volleyball game or a Santa Monica Pier concert, or you take a selfie with Owen Wilson at Bungalow or you finish your third bottle at Malibu Wines.

With arguably the best shopping and a culinary scene that can also hold its own, the Westside would be the easy number 1 if it weren't for...

1. South Bay (Manhattan, Hermosa, a small piece of Redondo and absolutely nothing else)
CDR: 6 SMJ: 8 QOL: 7 Total: 7

Imagine Venice but with bigger homes and 100% less riff raff. Do I speak of utopia? No, I speak of Manhattan Beach, an oasis in the United States that one should pay homage to thrice daily by bowing in the direction of the setting sun.

The South Bay combines extreme wealth with a vibrant sense of community. People know their neighbors, they have beers on their patios, they surf, and yes they are far as fuck from everything.

But who cares? When you live in paradise you never need to leave. I hope I do enough good in my life that after I die I am reincarnated as a USC bro that grows up in Manhattan and then moves to a 5 bedroom bachelor pad 2 blocks off the Hermosa pier. You want to make a midwesterner's head explode? Send them a South Bay sunset on January 15th. They're orgasmic. It certainly doesn't hurt that the entire roster of the LA Kings lives right here, not a bad group of guys to smash shots with. I'm getting a semi right now just thinking of the next time I'll go to Shellback's. You may want to avoid if you're short though, as the beach volleyball capitol of the world it attracts people of a certain height. (Which is great, because short people are the worst)

I think it's safe to say that 90267 is objectively the best zip code in the world.

So there you have it, my ranking of LA. You should move here. It's fun! For the doubters I would say...Remember you may be a homeowner in Michigan, but you'll still live in Michigan.

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