During the summer people like to take advantage of the good weather by spending time outdoors. Activities may include visiting a park, hanging out at a beach or even grabbing a drink or two on a patio. In metro areas people may even choose to bike to their destination. Why not? Biking is fun! It's a light work out and it's faster than walking. This brings us to today's quandary...
Let's create a totally 100% hypothetical situation.
Say it's a Thursday night in, oh I don't know, Venice Beach and there is a free concert in Santa Monica. Now there are like a million different ways I could get to said concert, I could walk, roller blade even Uber if I'm feeling really lazy.
But just for argument's sake, let's assume I got off work late and I want to get there quickly because I have three bottles of wine in my backpack that are not going to drink themselves. So I decide to bike.
I bike to the Santa Monica Pier, drink 3 liters of wine, steal a box of Goldfish from the neighboring picnic and even hit on a 65 year old Mexican mother.
Then for whatever reason I decide to go to the bar under the pier for some Goose Island IPA's...
Let's just assume ALLLL of that happens...and then I meet a girl.
For whatever reason this girl finds me charming and invites me back to her Brentwood apartment with the offer of a blowjob and possible butt stuff.
Holy hell, that took a turn! Of course, let's go I'll get the Ub--- oh fuck.
That's right.
The bike.
Outside sits your $1000 road bike that you should have definitely not ridden to the pier. It's locked to a handrail next to the public restroom that at least five meth addicted homeless folks call home. This is quite the pickle.
Well friends, let's work through this scenario and see what our options are.
1. Fuck it
This option consists of the most risk because it involves of just finishing the previous sentence. Let's go, I'll get the Uber. You go back to this chick's Brentwood apartment and parlay her offer of a blowjob into some butt stuff. You set an alarm for 5am and Uber BACK to your bike, ride it home, sleep for another hour, go to work, tell everyone and get lots of high fives.
or...
The blowjob offer turns into a dry hand job, you wake up late for work and have to Uber there straight from this chick's house. When you Uber back to the Pier at the end of the day you find that where once your bike was locked is now a naked woman taking a shit and laughing at you.
Option 1 has a 50% chance of your bike being stolen, never to be seen from again. Your course of action will be to file a police report that will lead to no action and you will feel an overwhelming amount of shame. Hope it was worth it dude! The thing is, I once locked my bike up outside a popular bar with a 50 dollar lock at 2 o clock in the afternoon. For 20 minutes. When I got back, they had cut my lock like it was made out of paper, and of course since it's Venice. NO ONE SAW ANYTHING. Resist the urge to choose option one, it's the easiest but often the costliest. I mean unless she's a 10. Then fuck that bike.
2. I'll meet you there
This option consists of a different type of risk. In a perfect world it goes down like this. 'Hey, here's my key. Let's go back to MY house. I live a 10 minute bike ride away. I've ordered you an Uber and I will be two minutes behind you. Let yourself in, pour us cocktails and light a scented candle. Then we'll fuck on my couch watching Simone compete in the all around. She's totally into it. You get home, bang on said couch, USA wins Gold!
or...
She gets in the cab, you get a flat tire and it takes you longer to cycle home than expected. By the time you get home she's either not in the mood, asleep or she's gone home. You forgot to DVR gymnastics, you jerk off with your tears and go to sleep.
Anyone that ever lost out on a sure thing due to a late pledge ride or a gaggle of jealous fat friends that 'just want some Qdoba' knows that the green light has a time constraint. Just like Billy Bean says 'Hang up as soon as you get the answer you want,' one should close as soon as they get the go ahead. Adding time and steps can only screw up your success rate. Here's the deal. This may or may not work but it's cheap and responsible-ish. Use this when you're not too worried about her getting away, like throwing a regular pokeball at a pidgey. OMG I hate myself for making that comparison. Shoot me. Use Option 2 for fives and sixes.
3. Ride my handlebars
Option 3 is fun in a 1950's Grease nostalgia kinda way. I'm not even sure people do this anymore, except latina women, I see them on handlebars of their boyfriend's bike all the time but I figured it's because they could only afford one bike between the two of them. (I'm a terrible human) But for real this COULD work and it COULD be fun. In a perfect world you ride both of you back to your house and she figures out a way to blow you on the way...ok that's wishful thinking. You make it home in one piece, that's about as good as you can hope for. Maybe a fun Instagram photo as well.
Or...
Since you are both shitfaced, you crash your bike, she hits her head and bleeds out. Her family sues you for millions and you are charged with involuntary manslaughter. You become Michael K Williams' prison bitch and are forced to swallow eight balls of cocaine that have been in an old woman's vagina. This is a reference to The Night Of for those of you not watching.
Only use option 3 if you are traveling a stupidly short distance. Even then, it might be best to just walk your bike home.
4. Uber XL
Dawg it's just that easy. Blow up some Persian dude with a Suburban and throw that bitch in the trunk. The bike not the woman. You can even make out on the way to Brentwood and you can either ride your bike home in the morning or run it back with the XL. Now of course there is a cost associated with this as even a 2x surge will likely make this whole encounter cost roughly the size of a kidney, but hey people pay for sex all the time right? Unless you are living in abject poverty option 4 is usually the way to go if you want to make sure that you close AND have a ride to the Pier for next Thursday, in which this entire situation will repeat itself again.
Cool! Glad we got to the bottom of that. Have a great weekend.
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