I used to have these books when I was growing up that had a hole in the middle. It was one of my toddler pictures. The hole then created the illusion that I was the star of the book. The series was about what you want to do when you grow up. When I'm a major League Baseball Player... would show have a face cut-out of a person hitting a homerun...but with my picture it became me! They had fireman, athlete, cowboy, knight, you know all the shit that a 5 year old wants to be when they grow up.
What they didn't have was: When I'm heartless self-centered alcoholic. I think this would be a solid addition to the series, you could give this to underpriveledged children as a warning of what's to come. Can't you just picture it. There's a picture of a clearly drunken bafoon, cigs in one hand, his equally blacked out prize trophy for the night occupies his other. He is clearly unshowered, but is wearing at least a $200 wardrobe...and right in the middle of that beautiful facial cut-out is my smiling face circa age 5. You could have a whole series of these: When I'm in credit card debt, When I discover amphetamines, When I have a raging failure to launch and want to live with my friends in a mini frathouse forever and go back to the place that I went to college every other weekend...ok maybe that last one I'll save for the name of my autobiography. Moving on.
The point of these books was to inspire little kids to crave the real world. Growing up you are always told to be excited for the "next step." Next year I start first grade! Next time I go to King's Island I'll be tall enough to ride The Beast! My first pube! Middle School! High School! Sex! College! I was looking forward to all of these things long before they happened. But for the first time in my life, I'm not excited to be here. I don't want to be a cop or a firefighter or a ninja. I want to watch movies and get fucked up. I don't go out to the bar to make social connections or find a girl to bring home. I go because there are a bunch of like minded people there with the right attitude...the real world sucks, but as long as we are at this bar; nothing else matters.
Maybe I have a bill due...so what. Girlfriend dumped you? Who cares. Alcohol is like a stay of execution. You can use it to temporarily push your problems out of your head. If only I would have known about this little loophole when I was worried about a bad report card or had to get a detention slip signed by dad. I realize that eventually all of my friends are going to grow up, get married and I will end up just like Jason Segal from I Love You, Man. But until then I'm going to keep giving myself that temporary stay of life, and live in the moment. Some may say Seize the day....I say procrastinate the party.
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