Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You can't spell bro-hater without ER

My blogging has been sparatic as of late. After my week in paradise I returned to deal with alledged warrants, severe substance withdrawl and a storytelling experience that ended in the ER. By the way I'm not going to harp on the Bahamas because pretty much everyone that reads my blog was there, and if you weren't you for sure don't want me to spend 3,000 words talking about how much better my weekend was than yours. That said, I'm going to skip to this past Sunday when I made a very bad decision.

The decision was to drink during the football games. This may sound reasonable, normal people toss back a few dad pops while they watch playoff football. However, normal people don't take handle pulls at the same rate at which an average adult male sips his beer. Needless to say, by the 2nd half of game 2 I was grandstanding about, saying inappropriate things in front of women and dropping the C bomb in front of total strangers and talking about which of their friends I had plowed...not good.

So there I am in my Colts snuggie and my Spring break 09 cutoff, mid-story talking about some female that rubs me the wrong way. And in an attempt to channel my inner Edward Norton I describe and then act out how I would like to curb stomp this person...well I curbstomped my bare foot directly into a piece of broken glass.

Blood everywhere. My roommate performed an unsucessful surgery on me as I screamed obscenities and continued to paint our apartment with more dna than a moderate crime scene. After a while I calm myself down and wrap it up...somehow everyone decided to leave the blackout drunk at home alone while they all went out...perfect.

Wallowing in my misery and starting to feel a bit woosey I started to channel surf...when BAM Golden Globes. About the only thing I like as much as going out, is movies...I was set. Much like getting pulled over by a cop this moment was instantly sobering and I rattled off my picks on Twitter and went nearly 100% That's neither here nor there though...let's proceed shall we?

So the show is over, I have completely stopped bleeding and I am getting texts telling me that there has not been a more fun night out at a bar since the night I realized bottles of Cooks were only $15!

So I go out...it kinda sucks...I go to a diner and realize I have been dragging behind me a pool of blood all night. Not feeling like going to the ER for something that should be fixed with a wet rag and tweezers, I deny my injury and go to bed.

The next day I couldn't walk so I hopped to my car and drove to work. After about an hour of hopping around the office my boss sends me to the hospital. Of course I don't have my insurance card on me. I don't know where I officially live. I sleep in Illinois, but I think I still have everything billed to my parents...uhh whatever.

I check in, glass in foot sounds pretty routine...almost an embarassing procedure for someone who spent 8 years in med school. I get in there and the nurse gives me the awkward interogation...alcohol, sex, drugs, nicotine...duh. Let's have a look at that foot.

Three words you never want to hear the nurse say..."OH MY GOD!!!" WTF happened? I told you I stepped in some glass...ya I know I lost some blood. Then why didn't I come to the emergency room, how much was I drinking, why is there dead body tissue falling out of the bottom of your foot. After 45 minutes she has removed most of the dead tissue and blood off of my feet, using up 2 buckets and about 5 towels. In comes the Dr. He gives me 12 shots amidst me screaming. 1 tetanus, 1 horse steroid, 10 numbing shots. Then he digs for a while. I can't feel a thing, but I can hear how disgusting it sounds with him chopping my foot up.

A nickel sized piece of glass is removed. He asks if I want to keep it so I can show my friends. Show my fucking friends? Then he proceeds to tell me I can't drink on amoxicillin, blah blah fucking blah. I've heard the "you can't drink on this" argument for years and I'm doing great. On the way out the nurse tells me I shouldn't drink so much and that I may be young but it's time to grow up.

Thanks for your judgment...but bros never grow up...and I'm getting shitfaced tonight, hobbly foot and all.

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