Congrats drunks

Quick unrelated opening rant. The person that sits next to me looks like a bridge troll. Like the fucking creature that lives under a bridge and makes you correctly answer three riddles before crossing. It gets worse... she is Jewish and demands that everyone know it, like seriously I don't give a fuck what anyone's religion is just don't talk about it to me or I will tell you that you are wrong and I am right (Protestants FTW.) She also has a daughter that resembles miss piggy. In between hearing about bah mitzvahs and her daughter getting sick and having head lice I just can't fucking handle it. First of all, I don't care about ANYONE's kids. At this point in my life I look at them as all my party money and time out the window. I really don't understand why people tell ugly babies that they are cute, just give a more practical ugly duckling underhanded compliment, it will be more believable. Anyway...Mulgarath (that's a spiderwick chronicles reference, huge freddie highmore fan) went on weight watchers and has been asking everyone if we can tell how much weight she has lost. While she has lost weight that was never the problem she needs to have human DNA spliced into her genome to replace that of the troll's and then we might make some serious progress. Long story short, you can be ugly, you can be obnoxious, but if you are both I will destroy you behind your back to 1000 people I went to college with. (This story will probably be removed after today to ensure that I am not responsible for a suicide or a defamation lawsuit.
/end rant

Happy opening day you drunks! Your below average baseball team opens up the season in about an hour. While they will be horrible and the games will fail to be thrilling, there is now an excuse to get fucked up, skip work and go to Wrigleyville. Note the order, get drunk then decide if you want to skip work...rarely will you get a solid buzz and decide to go improve your company's bottom line. To be honest, I hate the Cubs I am a Cardinals fan, but I really really love everything that the Cubs stand for. Being that I am a shallow, hedonistic, lazy fuck with some semblance of family money I love the Wrigley experience. In contrast the White Sox are a much more exciting baseball team but I despise the poor, scrappy, "it's all about the game" mentality. Fuck that, it's about how drunk you can get in the bleachers in center field and how many girls you can convince to let you suck on their tits. Take a wild guess who pulled that one off.

Wrigley Field is such a steaming pile of shit, but they distract you by surrounding it with 1000 bars and playing during the day. This way you can focus on the gorgeous Cubs fans walking around. Let's be honest your prototypical Sox fan is ugly and probably has a last name ending in a vowell or the letter "Z." Your prototypical Cubs fan is probably a 34 C and is using dad's corporate tickets because she isn't required to work. She will watch all of 3 pitches but has so much cubs gear its ridiculous, especially the tshirt about a half size too small that makes her boobs look great. Serious question, when a girl from the 847 turns 18 is she issued one of those from the state? Every girl has one, they all wear them to games and I'm 100% ok with it. The chicks even drink beer at Cubs games which is kinda hot, so long as they skip their next 3 meals to make up for it.

I'm really unsure which Wrigleyville bar does it the best for me. If it's a Wednesday night game, Cubby Bear for sure for live band Karaoke. Saturday after a day game, Casey Moran's. Not going to a game but want to get anihilated in the awesome atmosphere anyway? Sports Corner Seconds Floor. I've said before, many people look forward to sleeping in on the weekends, running casual errands, perhaps accomplishing a honey-do list...I wake up earlier than I do for work to get a head start on drinking. Then it's off to Sluggers for some early morning Batting Practice, then to the 7 11 to sneak in a fifth of vodka to Wrigley, then to Stretch after the game because they have the drunkest chicks and the easiest bathrooms to hook up in. (There is a single in the back that locks) Every day is a marathon, every day is a barcrawl. The great Lee Elia once said regarding Wrigley "Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cocksuckers."

Well Lee if that is your definition of a cocksucker it looks like I am gay as AIDS.