If you didn't recognize that as the opening refrain to "The Trolley Song" from Meet me in St. Louis, congratulations you didn't take a musicals class senior year to be with some chick. Professor Doty if you're out there Fuck you for not appreciating my analysis that the character of Satine was killed off because Baz Luhrman probably got screwed over by a slut early in his life.
No matter, I am not going to waste your time dazzling you with the knowledge that one picks up by taking C392 or living in a family that collects Andrew Lloyd Webber albums. I just needed a clever intro to talk about one of the most outstanding traditions of the Spring in Chicago, the party trolley.
Now once upon a time there were 20 people in a room, drinking excessively standing up and yelling. Some were shotgunning beers, some were taking shots, some were huddled by the window smoking cigarettes and blowing the smoke out the window. There was extremely loud music playing. At that exact moment someone spilled their drink on a girl's shirt. Surprised, she lurched back and bumped into another guy. Extremely intoxicated and off balance, he staggered and fell face first, and hit his head hard. But this bump in the head gave him the single greatest idea ever. "What if we put this party on wheels?"
The concept is ridiculous, let's load 30 people in a moving vehicle let them get as fucked up as they want and just see what happens? If you've ever been on one of these the ammount of alcohol brought aboard is enough to cure the desert's lack of humidity. And that's really all the trolley does all night, drive in circles while people drink for a fixed time period. 30 people 4 hours 10 gallons of vodka (in case you are going to uberdouche and be like only 10 bro? That's 20 handles...brah.)
So sometimes there are pit stops at bars, "woohoo we're obnoxious we're on a trolley and you fucking peasants are just at a bar? Does your barstool at LaSalle Power Company drive you down lakeshore drive? Nooooo...but my trolley does." *Slips falls, hits head on bar, bloodshed* But yes it's always fun to be obnoxious as part of a group and those that may hold them in contempt are just jealous. You know you want on that trolley, especially if it's a bachelorette party? "Bro, they're so trashed I bet they would like suck our dicks if we got on and stripped for them." <---- Don't be that guy. But if you want to try to board random trolley and tell a girl you are a pirate and you are after her booty, fucking go for it.
Sidenote...who the fuck legalized this? "Mr. Mayor, some company wants to drive twentysomethings around while they drink and party all night." Can we tie it to our city's rich history? "Um, we can make them look like the trolleys of the 1800's sir, and make the driver get a bus license" Perfect tax them outrageously and get it done. Nothing wrong with a hardworking American wanting to have a few cocktails responsibly while touring our fair city. We'll call it an alternative to driving under the influence.
Yep I'm sure that's how it went down.
So what else happens on the trolley, handjobs under smashed beer cases? Sure. Vomit in the Rock and Roll McDonalds lobby during a bathroom break...O yeah. The best part is the end though. I swear to god I think there is a rule that these MUST drop you off at the Hangge Uppe and there is always one or two that fall down the stairs and are immediately ejected. I usually look down at my jeans to find the familiar dark blue stain reminding me I've gotten so drunk that I've pissed myself, time to go home and call it a night. Anyway I'm doing this tomorrow, so if you se me circa 3am and our grinding seems to be getting a little moist, um ya that's pure passion baby.
No comments:
Post a Comment