Wednesday, June 22, 2011

American Idle

Starbucks internet is unacceptably slow. But perhaps this is my punishment for coming to the location on Wells even though there are probably 3 closer to my home...the things I do to be facey. I mean I'm not even in a comfortable chair right now, I'm sharing a table with a guy who is most likely the lead singer of a Jethro Tull cover band. I had to evacuate my house today because my maid came and it's too awkward for me to stay home and watch, it's like I should be helping. She's not as attractive as Jennifer Lopez was in that one flick, but she makes my room smell nice which is in itself a small miracle. I kind of like this writing at Starbucks thing, it makes look like I'm doing something important...but I can't stop looking out the window at Corcorans and wondering if they have wi-fi.

Last night I was convinced to go check out one of my friends try out for this American Idolesque thing at Duffy's. (Yes, it's actually open nights other than Wednesdays and for Michigan games) I thought whatever, he's quasi-talented and it's an excuse to drink, fuck it why not. Clearly I was not prepared for what Duffy's had in store for me. Imagine that you are watching all the idiots that audition for American Idol, except it's live and you can have all the beer you want for free. Wait scratch that, for 10 bucks you can upgrade that to anything in the bar for all night...yellow upgrade wristband please. Not only that, but I had the most aggressive server ever. Without fail she would bring me a new 312 when I was 75% done with the previous, it was like she thought my BAC would factor in on her tip...I'm sure it did.

All of these "auditions" are sans instrument, back up band, this is straight acapella which makes it even more awkward. Everyone came out of the woodwork on this one though, it's like every bum sitting on the couch who knew the words to at least one song came out to Duffy's to chase their dream. There were the classic fat girls singing Whitney Houston, homeless guys wheeling in their shopping cart and trying to belt out Luther Vandross thinking that this 15k grand prize will turn their life around, drunk frat guys singing 90's one hit wonders and a Chinaman that forgot the words to "Don't Stop Believing." Really bro? You are going to sing the most stereotypical song of all time and fuck it up? For shame! He's lucky he went early or I would have booed, loudly. Or if he would have gone really late in the night I would have probably grabbed the mic from him and done a diving knee slide on stage as I hit the final note.

Pretty cool event, I wish I wouldn't have been the only one trying to sing along, and I think heckling should be encouraged. Applauding for someone who sucks is like giving a little leaguer a participation trophy...it gives false hope and probably leads to suicides. The audience applause factors in after week 3, so I will solicit my belligerent behavior to whoever pays for my yellow wristband. It's a fun event if you are sick of the line at Joe's on Tuesday or you are afraid of Mexicans. Check it out.

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