It's Tuesday and I have abandoned you for almost a week. Unfortunately, I have to find a real job other than blogging and writing a novel that will most likely not get published, fuck that Elizabeth Gilbert for getting an advance to go travel. I should get an advance to go rage and report on what I remember. Regardless, I have a few thoughts on lake weekends, bachelor parties and gays dressing up all gay and acting gay.
If you haven't been to a lake yet this summer, you need to figure it out. This should really deserve it's own post. There is nothing better than invading a pathetic small town, befriending its liquor store owner and getting your beer from a cooler that shares its home with "live bait." Then there is the process of grilling out and eating on the dock, drinking in a swim suit all weekend and tying up with a bunch of college Sophomores on the sand bar.
When you get to the lake you are so isolated that there is nothing else to do but drink. Drink beer, cocktails, play stupid fucking board games, go swimming but all of this is done while severely intoxicated. It's not like you will be driving anywhere, unless you are boating to a townie bar, and I'm still quite convinced that the BUI is a myth. I used to be a huge fan of the water sports (oh my god I can do a barrel roll on a tube, check me out bro) but I've since learned that it's just a power struggle between your asshole friend driving and the pain tolerance of the person being dragged behind the boat...I think I'm ready to unsubscribe on that, idoling around the lake's local party cove is much more up my alley.
The townie-laker relationship is always an interesting one, similar to the townie-student relationship in any college town. Severe shoulder chips are almost always present, and the wealthy kids between 18-27 using their parent's lake cottages almost always aggravate this to humorous results. I try not to be an asshole because I don't want a meth'd out psycho to beat me to death with a lead pipe, but to each his own.
Anyway, after spending a day in a half at Lake Wawasee, I had to cross Amish country to get back to Chicago for a bachelor party. Never ever go to a lake on a Friday and plan on leaving Saturday, it's nearly impossible to do. But because I'm just an awesome guy, and I said I would be there I risked possible OWI charges from the night before to make the 200 mile cornfield trek west to the Windy City. I didn't drink Saturday on the boat, but I felt semi-confidant at best that I could defeat a breathalyzer, and beware of these small towns...they hate outsiders, they will lock you up and throw away the key. At one point I was lost and drove by a federal prison and I took this as a very grim sign, nevertheless I showed up to my house in Chicago, lobster faced, with about an hour to power down before I had to get ready.
Fuck...I took a 10 mg of adderall to stay awake at the wheel, this will not be a fun nap.
I somehow made it to the bachelor party, but instead of talking all about it, I'm going to point out some rules that I think should be followed.
1.Skip the $200 a plate meal. You'll get that at the wedding, and double whiskeys are like $20 at a steakhouse. You realize that if you skip this meal, everyone can reallocate that cash flow into buying a bottle wherever you go? Bachelor parties are about getting blacked out and committing mortal sins, not about being a fucking foodie.
2. It may sound lame, but you need a tight schedule, planned out to the minute. You can't do dinner and then go out to a bar after...that's what people do on Wednesday nights. Something like meet at State, trolley leaves at 10, trolley arrives at Social 25 at 12, bottles at Social, trolley leaves for Underground at 1, bottles at underground, trolley leaves for admiral at 4...I don't know just a thought.
3. Don't invite the guys that don't like to party. Whatever man, you're the guy in the group that doesn't drink? You make me feel uncomfortable, we'll go catch a matinee some time.
4. The person that plans the party should definitely live in the city that it's going to be, unless it's Vegas or something like that, the guy who has the most experience.
5. Strippers/Hookers should always be involved, always.
Speaking of bachelor parties, New York gave gays the right to marry over the weekend, apparently it was big news. And if I was gay, and I was getting married, I would definitely want my bachelor party the Sunday of the gay pride parade. What a fucking shit show...these guys and girls and people of undecipherable sex get dressed to the 9's in every stereotype possible and get absolutely wrecked.
After hitting up Taste and Castaways yesterday, I tried to venture north for some good old rooftop drinking and pretty much every street north of Fullerton was out of commission. The parade, the floats, the ambulances, the thousands and thousands of gays, lesbians, trannys, and the straights just looking for a party really make this one of the most ridiculous spectacles the city has to offer. I'm pretty sure all public decency laws are suspended on this day because I'm pretty sure I saw a dozen floppy tits during the parade and at least one male on male alley bj.
It's not for everyone, those who are intolerant would probably be horrified, I am a tad more open minded so I just find the entire thing hilarious. The over-the-top flamboyancy of homosexuals shows two things about them that I can respect, they really don't give a fuck what you think....and they can drink a fuck ton of wine coolers because I think about 500 people went to the ER yesterday for alcohol poisoning. With that I give you a tip of my rainbow colored fedora and salute you.
I'm going to go buy a pound of meat now, and change my car's motor oil, I have to get things back to normal around here.
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