Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Here comes the Boom


And the home of the brave motherfuckers! Welcome to the most patriotic weekend in America. What gets better that drinking beer, boating and blowing shit up? If your answer was D. None of the above you get partial credit. You could have added, well single dude what about grilling steaks and getting bjs under the cabins of said boats in addition to aforementioned list? I salute you sailor for your innovative critique. So here we have it, the best party weekend of the year, fuck new years, Thanksgiving, St. Patty's day. They are all great excuses to get the BAC into the mid twenties, but you know what they don't share with the 4th of July? You aren't celebrating the birth of the greatest fucking country in the Milky Way. Also, being midsummer, this holiday is the perfect one to celebrate in a nice pair of $75 polo swim trunks. It doesn't hurt that this will most likely be a 4 day weekend for you...4 days to forget the problems of the real world and celebrate the 10 million dollars getting blown up over a lake near you. Road construction, fuck it. Social programs, don't make me laugh. Nothing more republican than a broke city getting private donors that will not stand by without an illuminated sky. I also feel like behind Little 5, nothing invites beer showers more than the 97 degree heat of Independence Day weekend. Honestly, at my barbeque Monday there will be signs that read "on this ride you may get wet, possibly soaked" coincidentally, I'll also be printing off a second copy to hang above my bed.

So what's everyone doing this weekend? Hitting up your wealthy friends with lake houses, accidentally getting too drunk Friday night and sleeping at the dude's apartment with the boat so you get the auto invite on Saturday, perhaps you are just running out to the Ukranian Village Walmart to get a nice Slip n Slide for the front yard before they run out. Whatever the case, I assure you Binny's won't be running out of the Red, White and Blue commemorative Budweiser cans anytime soon. They are ready for victory, as you should be too. As I'm writing this blog, I'm literally standing and cheering as if I was watching Rocky knock out Ivan Drago, or Mel Gibson impale that annoying British fuck with the American flag. This is the holiday that gave us freedom fries, that birthed the American justice system where you can buy your way out of any DUI for a stack of high society.

So whatever you have planned for this weekend, feel free to put your hand over your heart and belt out the words to our Nation's anthem and think about the slave owning cowboys that gave you the right to vote against Prop 8 (or for, equal opportunity jokes on this site) over 200 years ago. And as you are grilling your filet to a warm red center (medium rare) I hope you can appreciate the moment. For this was the dream MLK was talking about, he just didn't know if the 1960's counter culture would respond as positively to "where a white man and black man can go beer jousting together in harmony." Well my friends that's where we are, and I couldn't be happier about it, we live in a nation of freedom. Now go abuse the liberty bestowed upon you and don't forget to throw on some spf.

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