You've just received a curious email that you don't immediately recognize. It is from someone named "Evite." Strange, you don't know any Evites. Perhaps it's pronounced 'Evita' like that Madonna musical. It never strikes you that this could be a clever portmanteau of 'Electronic' and 'Invitation.' You click on the heading, intrigued.
"You are cordially invited to a night of delicious food, sophisticated drink and rich conversation."
The fuck?
I know. It's intimidating. Relax, while this may sound like a cult's recruitment letter; this is merely a summons to this thing called a dinner party. They're supposed to be fun. It's like a pre game for people over 25. And don't worry friends, they can even be fun…IF you follow my handy little guide. Follow me as I teach you to dinner party like a champion.
First let's start with what a dinner party is and why it exists.
din·ner par·ty
noun
- a social occasion at which guests eat dinner together.
Reasons for a dinner party are vast: a birthday celebration, a going away or even as a set up. As people grow older it is much more acceptable to find your partner by way of mutual friends than 'a guy you blew in the bathroom of Whaler.'
You can expect groups of about 6-12, dressed nice. The men will likely have product in their hair, the women may wear perfume. You may be asked to prepare a side dish or bring a bottle of wine, it is customary not to show up empty handed. Now that we have defined dinner party and provided its raison d'être, let's plow through a few quick tips.
What Should I Wear?
Women will typically wear some sort of evening gown/formal dress or perhaps something a little shorter and tighter fitting for a younger crowd. Men will wear button downs and slacks, perhaps a jacket if they're feeling up to it.
I would recommend something a bit edgier though. Perhaps a Member's Only jacket with dark jeans for the men. Nothing says you're ready to party like 80's vintage. Pop the collar a bit and slick your hair back. Maybe wear some really big sunglasses, don't take them off inside. You don't have to. This may be seen as peacocking, but as much as women in their late 20's will say they are attracted to a man's personality and kindness, this is a lie that girls tell themselves when they cannot land an attractive mate.
Women, I urge you to wear the same outfit you would wear to 1 Oak. There will be one attractive single man at this dinner. Do you want to spend the night talking to him, or the sweaty guy that wants to give you his theories on the Marvel Expanded Universe?
What Should I Bring?
Most people will bring a decent bottle of wine and/or a side dish. Some hero might bring flowers. There will be one hipster who brings a 6 pack of canned IPAs, he will have a beard.
Look, you can bring a buffalo chicken dip and people will be like 'oh this is really great.' But if you want to really be a star, bring the following. Bring a bottle of respectable $25 Pinot Noir. I'm thinking Decoy, not Duckhorn. You don't want to be the hero that brings a bottle of $300 Malbec and has a story to go along with it. "In the summer of 2012 I took a holiday down to Argentina and hiked to the summit of Mt Aconcagua to retrieve this bottle from my favorite local vineyard." Fuck that guy. Pour heavy from his bottle. and then chug your glass like you would a shitty 2 Buck Chuck. This is where you separate yourself though. Bring a bottle of Fireball as well because the wine WILL run out. Keep this a secret until it's absolutely necessary. But you know what else you bring? After a few shots of cinnamon whisky are down the gullet, bust out a gram of cocaine along with a story. "In the winter of 2013, I vacationed to the jungles of Bogota to retrieve this gram of pure cocaine from my favorite warlord."
Douchey wine guy will be stunned. All night you and douchey wine guy were probably going after the same girl. Not anymore. Douchey wine guy is on the floor bleeding, trying to recover from a devastating knock out punch.
Where Do I Sit?
Typically one would follow the host's lead when choosing a seat at the dinner table. There may even be nameplates/assigned seating at the table, especially if this party is intended to 'introduce' two people.
Fuck that. Sit directly across from the person you want to have sex with. Make eyes as often as possible. Play footsie. Exclude all competition from the conversation. If that guy doesn't travel, discuss Europe. If that guy doesn't like sports, break down the 2014 Chicago Blackhawks. If that guy is missing his left arm, discuss masturbation with a non-dominant hand.
If there are multiple people you would like to sleep with either sit in between them or take the middle of the table spot that is facing the kitchen. This is the power spot on any dinner table, the social epicenter if you will.
How Much Do I Eat?
During a class field trip to the President Benjamin Harrison home in 3rd grade I was taught that you want to ALMOST finish your meal. This means you both enjoyed it and thought that the portions served to you were accurate.
However, I would advise that you follow the following guidelines.
Men: Eat as much as you want.
Women: Eat very little, it will keep you skinny. Don't worry if you're hungry later. The cocaine will take care of that.
How Much Do I Drink?
According to NPR's Dinner Party Download and this article your host will set the tone based on how she would like the night to flow. There might be a fridge full of beer, there may be a very specific progression of cocktails. When in doubt, best to stay about a half drink behind your host.
Fuck that.
You dictate the flow of the night, and by no means should you show up sober. Just because pre games are dead and have been replaced by 'dinner parties' does not mean that you cannot pre game said party. Here's the deal. You will be the life of the party and then people will follow suit. The host will begrudgingly follow suit. You can hijack this thing easily. If people are a little stiff, recommend a drinking game. In fact, why don't you bring over some Jell-O shots. Jell-O shots are fun. The goal of any dinner party should be to drink everything, miraculously find some more and finish that…and if you still aren't having sex with your target, drunk drive to the liquor store and buy some more.
What Should I Talk About?
Conventional wisdom would tell you to discuss matters of the day; things that can involve everyone and being sure to avoid taboo topics of politics, money and religion.
As mentioned earlier, you should leverage the discussion to your benefit. You want to come off as awesome as possible. Talk about your worldwide travels, the fact that you are 5 hours away from your pilot's license, discuss your family's ski cabin in Utah. In fact, double down and invite everyone there to join you over the winter. "You guys will love it, literally ski in ski out." This is of course an empty promise. Basically use the rules of a first date (ask about her, girls like to talk about themselves) and do the exact opposite. This is your one hour job interview to be as charming as possible. Also the more fun the conversation is, the more people will drink, the better the chances of the night escalating are. Try to make some sexual puns. People love those. Avoid sweeping statements that would offend large groups of people. Spin your chair around like AC Slater, this will show people how cool you are.
What Happens After Dinner?
Desert may be served, there will possibly be a night cap and then the night will begin to wind down. It would be polite to offer to help clean or do dishes. Thank your host and go home.
Or not…look, after dinner people will smoke cigarettes because it's European or whatever and all your friends are white and basic as fuck. Some enterprising motherfucker might even bust out a joint so you guys can feel young again. This would be the appropriate time to bust out the Fireball/Cocaine. You will be lauded as a hero. You are the Captain now. Now that people have loosened up a bit, talks of going out for a cocktail will heat up. THIS IS WHEN YOU STRIKE.
You order a fleet of two UBER SUVs (not uber XL…2 fucking Denalis) and send them straight to the closest dance bar in town. You don't send a split request to anyone because that is what fucking poor people do. You get to the bar, you grease the bouncer and you close on your chick within 30 minutes.
Douchey wine guy will still probably be on the sidelines complaining that Chestnut Club plays better music.
The next day (after you drop off your shacker) be sure to send a handwritten thank you note to your host, this will ensure you get invited back to the next dinner party, where you will undoubtedly win again.
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