The Takeover

Last night I 'played' tennis. I played insomuch as I attempted to hit a green ball with a racket over a net. But in reality I played worse than Andy Samberg in '7 Days in Hell' before he discovered cocaine. I was firing errant shots all over the court, I felt fat. Twice I rocketed balls over the fence onto the Penmar Golf Course in frustration. The only solace I took from the evening was a $5 Blueberry Tart Yogurtland covered in Fruity pebbles and Gummy Worms.

What a fucking mess.

The truth is, that the snacks on my new show are out of control and I am frequently bored as fuck at work. The way I deal with this boredom is either hitting on the hot accountant or walks to the kitchen to grub on God knows what. A few days ago I discovered that hot accountant is married, so my kitchen excursions became even more frequent. Sure summer is over, but when you're single there is really no reason not to be absolutely shredded. And since I am skipping the Rock n Roll half marathon to go get blasted in Chicago next weekend my cardio has bottoming out. The only solution to this problem calls for drastic measures.

Amphetamines.

This morning I took 30 mg of Adderall to render myself unable to consume food. While it worked, it did have some unintended consequences.

1. I decided this morning I am going to get my pilot's license. I'm going to get my LSA. Do you know why? Because it's the lowest barrier to entry to something bad ass. It's the BMW 1 series of pilot's licenses. You can get it with 20 hours of flight time for around 4 grand. This license enables you to fly anywhere during daylight hours. You can only go like 200 miles per hour in a light plane with one passenger. But riddle be this, what chick isn't s'ing your D after you fly her from Santa Monica airport to Santa Barbara for a wine tasting?

2. I'm going to South or Central America for Christmas. I can't go to Indy, I just can't. I apologize to my family, it's just a waste of vacation time. I was just there, it was fun, I got to swim. It was hot out. Dad grilled! The concept of going there when I could just as easily get a $500 round trip flight to El Salvador and hike in some Mayan ruins and live in a hostel for $2 a day. I just ordered a massive world map for the wall in my room. The goal is to put as many pins in that bitch as possible. Anyone can come, but this trip is going to be down and dirty and cheap as shit.

3. I want to expand the blog.

Obviously, I am a man that requires instant gratification. I am yet to order a fan off of Amazon because I can't possibly imagine going another night without a fan…even though I KNOW that every retail shop in Los Angeles is sold out. It's been 4 weeks and I still don't have a fan. I can't get my pilot's license today. I can't fly to Ecuador today, BUT I can lay out a plan for expanding this here blog with the ultimate goal of gaining enough notice to write for one of the big boys.

So here's the deal, for the first time I want to open up the blog to other voices. I'm sure you are all sick of hearing the ramblings of my drunken misadventures at this point. I'd like a fresh perspective. Tell me your tales of #CrimingWhileWhite. Write recaps of Party Down South. I don't give a shit, use this as a forum to flex your creativity. I'm sure you have questions, so let's move down to a hands FAQ I made.

What can I write?
Whatever the fuck you want. I don't have ads on this site, no one makes any money. It's for fun. I won't publish hate speech, but you can be as UN-PC as you want. (Example of Hate Speech: "Why I hate Jews" Example of something UN-PC "Why I love dating Jewish chicks") You don't even have to agree with me!

But I have a corporate job bro, I can't be running around talking about cocaine benders…
All good, use a pseudonym. Send your articles to me and I will post it anonymously on your behalf. I'm extremely good at keeping secrets. Unless it's some juicy gossip about someone having an abortion or something. I'll probably leek that. But for the purpose of anonymously writing on this site, I got you.

Will you edit me?
Not really. I will probably correct your spelling and grammar so you don't look like an idiot. But I would never change your content without consulting you. If something you submit isn't funny enough we can work together to make it better or just bury it. It's surprisingly harder than it looks to make living like an absolute degenerate entertaining.

Will I get paid?
Ha! Negative. But you will get first dibs on my couch when you visit LA. But I'll probably buy you lunch and then not Venmo you later for half of it, because people that do that are the fucking worst.

But for real, why are you doing this?
Well to be fair, any time someone else posts about my blog I get a few hundred more views. It's an easy way of growing exponentially. But also I know a lot of people like to write but need a forum. So many people ask me "hey will you write about this?" or "I want to start a blog." Well now you don't need to start one, you don't need to send your shit off to BroBible or Betches. Or you can do that, but you can start here with incredibly low stakes. Stop bullshitting about how you're going to write a novel some day and just throw up some word vomit on my blog. It's incredibly easy.

Fuck yes, I'm in…what now?
Email me (dbmoelle@gmail.com) an idea for a post…or just send me a post. Think of a creative pseudonym if you can't hide behind 'satirical comedy writer' in your chosen profession. I'm relying on you guys. I only have one weekend a week, which results in one post about one person's drunken debauchery. Remember, style is important but you don't have to mimic me. Don't use names unless your homies are cool with it. Outside of that, the world is yours. Let's do this! The takeover begins now.