When I was in 4th grade I was sent away to a weird school for smart kids (actually only one of 8 classes was for the 'gifted' kids, the other 7 were just local kids from the neighborhood going through a normal curriculum) It was unfortunate because this school was in the ghetto and had no funding. While the rich Geist kids got to do kick ass over night camping trips and go to Washington DC; Brook Park field trips were walks down the street to the local post office. The school was 80% black and likely led to my brief high school rap career. About the only thing this school had going for it was a kick ass theatre program.
One year, word came down that we would be staging a rendition of Moby Dick. I was super pumped because I was a shoe-in to play Ahab. I had always wanted to be a villain and killing whales sounded fucking cool. I obviously crushed my audition but when the cast list was posted I found my name not next to Ahab, but some clown named Starbuck the First Mate.
It was a scandal in what can only be rationalized as some sort of WGA-esque diversity casting effort, as some local was set to portray Ahab. I think it was even a girl, that's some Julie Taymor bullshit right there. I was obviously furious with my 4th grade drama teacher, I think I threatened to walk until she described to me the following.
"But Starbuck is the real hero of the story!"
"How so?"
"Ishmael is merely our narrator, really a one note character that exists merely to service the story of Ahab. Ahab on the other side is a mad-man hell bent on revenge. It is only Starbuck that shows any sort of moral complexity in the story, he is the only member of the crew that objects to Ahab's doomed quest and attempts to be the voice of reason. He even ponders mutiny but in the end is so duty bound by his honor and commitment to his captain that he goes along with the plan all the while knowing he is likely sending himself to an early grave."
"You just did this so the parents wouldn't think you were playing favorites to the rich white kids didn't you?"
(Yes, I've always been a piece of shit)
***
Years later affirmative action is still holding my acting career down but Starbuck has remained a major part of my life as it is the coffee chain that every basic bitch (myself included) is well acquainted. Nothing makes me happier than throwing down a 5 spot for a latte that will give me an hour of energy followed by a 15 minute trip to the bathroom.
I think I've had them all at this point because my mom sends me so many Starbucks gift cards that sometimes I don't even put them back in my wallet after I use them to cut lines on Saturday nights.
And because this blog is a public service to you, I have scientifically ranked every latte (seasonal included) option at Starbucks to ensure that you never have a bad caffeine high again.
10. Vanilla Latte
Look, if you're a petite white girl and the only Starbucks option to keep you from getting a thighbrow is a skinny vanilla latte, I respect your hustle…more on this later. But the OG vanilla latte? This drink has to be aborted with a coat hanger. I like lattes and I like vanilla, but this combination is about as inspiring as an inconclusive AIDS test.
9. Chai Latte
This needs to be taken behind the shed and shot in the face like a rabid dog. That's it. Chai Lattes are garbage and Old Yeller is an overrated movie.
8. Pumpkin Spice Latte
PSL season is something I look forward to like I fantasize about my next K-Hole, but for what? PSL is less a drink and more a lifestyle aspiration. A pumpkin spice latte says that you belong to a nice pilates gym, have missionary sex with your upper class white partner and shop at Crate and Barrel. Those are all great in theory, but at the end of the day are all kind of blah. Such is the case with the pumpkin spice latte. It's the epitome of basic…blah.
7. Latte - Iced
An iced latte is like a middle class blue collar friend that is always bitching about the illegals and the gays. You don't want him around all the time because frankly he's offensive. But on occasion he can be refreshing. I don't LOVE iced lattes. but I get it, just like I understand the plight of the middle class dude who wants to marry up. I literally stood up and applauded during the movie Match Point when Jonathan Rhys Myers blasted Scarlett Johansson in the fucking face with a shotgun. Never fuck with a social climber man.
6. Skinny Vanilla Latte
Every guy has gone to Starbucks and heard this order, "Tall skinny vanilla latte, 2 pumps at 132 degrees." I have had to order this for a girl before. It is soul crushing, but you know what? It's not as bad as being actually crushed by a plus sized woman when you're too tired to be on top. Let's face it, most Starbucks drinks are like 14,000 calories and it's tough to hide that shit when you aren't 6 foot 4. Embrace a bland drink so your girl can stay a size 0 and then you can both get on
5. Latte - Hot
A classic stand by. Like jerking off into your favorite sock or a drunken blow job from your hoe on call; a standard latte isn't anything special but you feel extremely comfortable with it insomuch as you know exactly what to expect. Sometimes you order a drink for practical purposes; I'm tired, I don't want to be. Likewise, sometimes you go home with a chick for practical purposes. I want to have a story tomorrow at brunch. Not every trip to Starbucks needs to be a trip to the fucking spa.
4. Caramel Brûlée Latte
You know that extremely satisfying feeling that comes along with watching some SJW get taken down? The Rolling Stone rape story…watching Patrick Kane stick handle right past some trumped up charges from a University of Buffalo cheerleader? It is just SO fucking great to see someone's soap box evaporate under them, so to is the surprising Caramel Brûlée latte! This drink is almost perfect, in fact I often times go sans whip cream on these festive lattes as it typically just melts immediately, but when my barista offers me whip with the CBL? Oh ya, I treat myself.
3. Gingerbread/Egg Nog/Christmas Cookie Latte
Titty fucking a pair of 34 Cs, that moment when the molly kicks in and a god damn holiday latte…those are my three favorite things in no particular order. The reason these 3 are all grouped together/tied at third place is because they are all available around Christmas and they can be tough to track down. You want a CCL? Better be doing the holidays down under mate! Trying to get the GBL or ENL involved? Better hope they aren't market testing a new concoction homie (not always a bad thing…) But whenever you can track one of these bad boys down? Go for it, make it a venti. Fuck it…make it a Trenta! You remember Christmas morning when you thought all your presents were gone and you were kind of sad…and then dad comes out with a fucking Foosball table? That is the Christmas latte selection.
2. Cinnamon Dulce Latte
My favorite line from the 1999 classic "Nas is Like" is 'I'm the feeling of a millionaire spending a hundred grand.' I like this line because it's irresponsible as fuck but probably feels great. Kind of like fucking a random rave girl at Coachella without a condom. Badish life decision. I mean it's not a great idea to spend 10% of your net worth all at once, but you still have 900 grand in the bank. Also the chances of a white girl from Calabasas having AIDS are low. And this is a secret menu item which makes you feel like you're in some secret exclusive club. "What's a CDL?" OH YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT YOU PEASANT.
1. Chestnut Praline Latte
I feel this can best be described in a scene…
INT. Indianapolis Fashion Mall -Starbucks kiosk - DAY
A hungover YOUNG MAN (26) severely underdressed for the wintery weather of the midwest shuffles into the mall blowing on his cold hands. He carries with him a YANKEE CANDLE BAG because what the fuck else do you get your mom for Christmas. He spots the Starbucks and immediately beelines it to the front of the line. An eager young female barista (cute, 19) waits on his order.
BARISTA
Welcome to Starbucks! Would you like to try a Chestnut Praline Latte today?
YOUNG MAN
Um, no…Can I get a grande gingerbread latte.
BARISTA
I'm so sorry, we actually aren't offering that drink at this location but would you like a chestnut praline latte instead, it's really good!
YOUNG MAN
No I guess I'll just have an eggnog latte with an extra shot…
BARISTA
We, um…actually aren't doing that right now either…
YOUNG MAN
You've got be kidding me.
BARISTA
No actually Indianapolis is a test market for…
YOUNG MAN
For what? The fucking Chestnut Praline latte?
BARISTA
I promise it's really good.
YOUNG MAN
How good?
BARISTA
You know in movies when the guy scores with the girl out of his league and then has a shit eating grin on his face the rest of the day and his buddies know that he totally hooked up with the hot chick?
YOUNG MAN
Uh…ya?
BARISTA
It's like that but better, you might have an orgasm right in front of me. Seriously if you don't like it, I'll give you anything else for free.
CUT TO:
INT. Indianapolis Fashion Mall -Starbucks kiosk - DAY - Moments later
The YOUNG MAN is staring at the girl and down at his pants. He looks at the cup.
BARISTA
It can make an atheist believe in God.
YOUNG MAN
What are you doing later…
END ACT I.
So ya, a CPL might make you cum in your pants or fall in love or both. For real though, it's the shit. I give it 10 barre classes out of 10. And there you have it, the definitive ranking of Starbucks lattes. If your favorite is unranked eat a bag of dicks you basic bitch and better luck next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment