(Not So) Passive Agressive Notes

Last night I was watching Halloween: Resurrection. It's the one where Jamie Lee Curtis finally (spoiler alert) dies. After a really promising opening sequence, the movie kind of falls apart. The premise is that a reality television show is going to lock 6 people in the childhood home of Michael Myers overnight. Hilarity ensues.

One of the subplots of the movie is there is this 18 year old kid flirting with a college senior under the guise of being a 'grad student.' They eventually begin an online relationship. It's very 90's and A/S/L pic4pic. But it got me thinking that I should Catfish someone go back to college. Not go to grad school, just re-enroll as a Freshman somewhere. I have tasted 6 years of life after graduation and I have decided to pass. I am going to do a hard reset on life and blow up the last decade. I can go to a new school, live in a new dorm, pledge a new frat, have unprotected sex with new white girls. It will be great. I'll even try a new major this time, something like Journalism. Or perhaps this time I should take my future into account and learn how to code.

I can probably pull off 18. I don't think anyone will question it. I'll go somewhere no one has ever heard of me. Somewhere like LSU…GEAUX TIGERS! I will deceive everyone, maybe I'll even meet a Southern Belle and get married! I'll of course fund this by taking out student loans that I never plan on repaying. Upon graduation, I'll flea to Australia and live in my cousin's house selling wine the rest of my life. Then I can write a tv show about my experience for Australian TV. I'll get Chris Lilly (Mr. G, J'amie) to star. It will be fucking great. Even though that's essentially the plot of Community. Eh fuck it, maybe I'll bring cameras and make a cutting edge documentary. Or I could write a book!

Obviously I will do none of this, but it's fun to fantasize about. I'm sure I'll spend the next 6 years talking shit and ranting about my hedonistic ways until I eventually succumb to cirrhosis of the liver. Perhaps my 'art' will be appreciated posthumously.

With that said, let's deconstruct this letter that was posted on the apartment I was couch surfing at a few years ago. I posted it on Instagram once upon a time, but I don't think I was ever given a proper opportunity to respond. It is transcribed below.

            [I just want to take a moment to discuss] (ed note: that is a guess to how the letter starts, it cuts off) how your behavior affects the people around you. Your actions are so incredibly rude.
             Not only do we lose sleep due to your party noise (loud music, even louder drunk shouting, high heeled stomping) We also lose sleep because we are enraged and stressed that we have neighbors who are unaware and basically have no consideration for anyone but themselves. We can hear every bit of noise that is taking place in your home. It is like we are in your party.
             Do you have any idea how it feels and how hard it is to wake up early in the morning when you’ve lost sleep because of other people’s party noise?
Frustrating is an understatement.
             Other neighbors share our sentiment. And actually they feel sorry for us that we have to deal with you, being that we share a wall.
             And don’t get me wrong, my sister and I love to party. We’re from the midwest also, we get it. But we are also aware of the fact that there is a point where you have to be adult about it. For fuck’s sake, I’m 27, not that much older then (sic) you and you make me feel like an old biddy.
             I just really hope you can step back and try to really understand and analyze your actions and the snowball effect they create. Because everytime (sic) we go to knock on the door and complain you guys say “I know, I know,” But obviously you don’t! Don’t humor me and say “I know.” That frustrates me even more. You may as well be saying “blah, blah, blah.” Your words obviously don’t mean anything. It’s all a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. I am basically pleading with you to be a human being and also have some respect.
 -Katie

Ahh yes, Katie, former resident of 2047 Vista Del Mar. I wonder if she still lives there. I bet she does. According to my math she would be 31 now. Probably unmarried. Probably still living with her sister. Scratch that, I bet she moved back to the Midwest, got on Match.com and married a fat man. You ever see a chick on Facebook that marries a fat man? I always think, 'wow good for you, you really wanted to get married that bad, huh? Well I wish you both the best.' It gives me hope as a man. No matter how fat I get, there will be someone desperate enough to get married that they will have me. She probably won't even expect me to have a job. Not a bad plan B.

But I digress, a little back story. When I moved to LA in the autumn of 2011 there was a two week period that I was living on a couch in the 'Hollywood Hills.' I put that in quotes because while it was North of Franklin, I was essentially living in the parking lot of the 101 cafe (base of the hill.) The neighbors with whom my buddies shared a (paper thin) wall were not too keen on our partying and once posted the above note. It is now framed in my Venice apartment. And now, if you're not too busy, I would like to go paragraph by paragraph and have my turn to respond, 4 years later.

        [I just want to take a moment to discuss] (ed note: that is a guess to how the letter starts, it cuts off) how your behavior affects the people around you. Your actions are so incredibly rude.

No, dear neighbors? No introduction to the author? The writer does start with a strong opening statement though. Upon reading the first sentence I know exactly what this letter will be about. She must have taken  business communication class.

Not only do we lose sleep due to your party noise (loud music, even louder drunk shouting, high heeled stomping) We also lose sleep because we are enraged and stressed that we have neighbors who are unaware and basically have no consideration for anyone but themselves. We can hear every bit of noise that is taking place in your home. It is like we are in your party.

 Ok now we are into specifics, the writer is complaining about noise, specifically the noise associated with partying. She lists loud music, shouting and 'high heeled stomping' as reasons for losing sleep. I understand this as we were listening to a lot of 'Country Roads' back in 2011. That is both a shout and stomp heavy song. The next line however gives me pause. The writer also loses sleep because she is enraged and stressed that she has neighbors who are unaware and basically have no consideration for others.

Well which is it? Are we blissfully unaware or do we maliciously give no fucks. These are two totally contrasting issues. Someone unaware of their actions cannot be held accountable. This is why Sling Blade was eventually set free. Also, your lack of sleep for anger and stress sounds like it should be brought up with a physician, perhaps a psychiatrist. Lastly you discuss that the noise is so overbearing 'it is like we are in your party,' that's great! You're always welcome!

 Do you have any idea how it feels and how hard it is to wake up early in the morning when you’ve lost sleep because of other people’s party noise?Frustrating is an understatement.

I do not. My neighbors are pretty chill, plus most nights I drink myself into a coma deep enough that I would surely sleep through a nuclear attack.

Other neighbors share our sentiment. And actually they feel sorry for us that we have to deal with you, being that we share a wall.

Look, I was going to lay off the grammar as I surely am not one to talk, but the above sentence is a mess. I would have probably dropped a semicolon after the word sentiment. Semicolons are fun, but I try to stick to one per document.

 And don’t get me wrong, my sister and I love to party. We’re from the midwest also, we get it. But we are also aware of the fact that there is a point where you have to be adult about it. For fuck’s sake, I’m 27, not that much older then (sic) you and you make me feel like an old biddy.

 Oh God, here we go. Not much older THAN. 'Then' is mainly an adverb used to situate actions in time. 'Than' is a conjunction used when making comparisons. Come on, you're better than that. Also, I like that because you're from the midwest 'you get it.' What do you get exactly? You get that it's fun as shit to drink yourself retarded and make out with strangers? Then why are you hiding behind the wall with your cats writing angry letters? Lastly, I approve of the profanity, you are enhancing the tension. But what exactly is an old biddy?

old biddyOld woman
That old biddy shouldn't be on the road.

Ok! How about that, you learn something new every day. Thanks Urban Dictionary! 

  I just really hope you can step back and try to really understand and analyze your actions and the snowball effect they create. Because everytime (sic) we go to knock on the door and complain you guys say “I know, I know,” But obviously you don’t! Don’t humor me and say “I know.” That frustrates me even more. You may as well be saying “blah, blah, blah.” Your words obviously don’t mean anything. It’s all a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. I am basically pleading with you to be a human being and also have some respect.

Ok, I promise this is my last grammar note. "Everytime' is a Britney Spears song. I know this because at the end of the music video she tries to kill herself via drowning in a bathtub. If you freeze it just right, you can see one of her nipples protruding from the bubbles. I have masturbated to this frame several times, because despite the fact that Britney Spears went off the rails, had two failed marriages, shaved her head and generally went insane; there are still no real pictures of her boobs.

You probably weren't interested in my Britney Spears masturbatory habits. Look she's still really hot IMHO. 10 out of 10. Would fuck. Sorry, but that was just an elongated way of me telling you that the phrase you were looking for was 'every time' as in 60% of the time, it works every time.

Let's move on to your displeasure with our face to face interactions. You voice your displeasure that when you attempt to complain we say "I know, I know" and try to end the conversation. Let me let you in on a little trick my friend. If you just tell someone "You know" or say "yes" or just keep nodding and saying 'ok' they will leave. This works when your parents are upset, when a boss is pissy with you, when a girlfriend is mad. I just say "Yeah, yeah, yeah" and slam the door, ending the interaction. The truth is, I don't give a fuck about your feelings , I just want you to go away so I can do another line and play some loud EDM. I'm not going to ask open ended questions or discuss my position on the matter as that would increase the duration of the unpleasantness. All of your concerns might as well be 'blah blah blah' to me, because we have contrasting goals.

Look, you can plead all you want, but what we have here is a classic conflict of interest. I like to be loud and party. You like to sleep. If I liked to sleep and my neighbors were loud, I would invest in a prescription of Xanax, or move to the valley because I'm not a talker I'm a doer. What I definitely wouldn't do is move to one of the most party heavy neighborhoods in the world and then bitch about it.

/endrant

***

Four weeks later those guys were evicted because they failed to check their privilege and be human beings. Following that we moved to Venice and got a 3 bedroom apartment in a 4 unit building. In 2012, dub step peaked and I played the song 'Promises' probably 40 times a week, I gave a girl a concussion by Yeardley Loving her head against the wall during some rough sex and I watched loud action movies all day with my $3000 sound system because I was unemployed. There were no noise complaints.

The moral of the story is that I want to re-enroll in college. Oh and also Hollywood has no chill. Venice Forever.