Wedding Crasher

It's Thursday morning and I am flying tomorrow. I have not started packing. This should not surprise you. I probably won't pack. I will drink tonight, I will wake up late for work tomorrow. I will forget to pick up my suit from the dry cleaners. My mom won't be home to bring it to me. I used to forget my lunch a lot. Other kids would do this too and then they would just starve because their parents didn't love them. Lisa Moeller would drop everything and drive me a lunch to school. This probably happened once a week. Sometimes she would even just run to McDonald's and bring me a Happy Meal to school. The other kids were jealous. I think more than once I intentionally left my lunch at home so Lisa would bring me McDonald's.

But I was told in one of my bullshit Kelley classes that goals are more likely to be achieved when you write them down. Strategic, Trackable, Attainable, Realistic…the star method. So I am going to write out my packing list for this weekend and hopefully it will come true.

Dave's packing list 10/16…

(3) pills Xanax and (4) shooters vodka
I don't know why it is that when I am booking travel I am so cost conscious. I probably could have flown Virgin for an extra $50 and that would have come with mood lighting, movies and probably a stewardess to give me an Alpha Phi handshake. Instead I have a middle seat on a Spirit flight which is about as comfortable as passing a kidney stone. As much as I would like to party all flight and take an uber directly to Butch McGuire's, I think I would probably be better off to go full Whitney Houston and just drown myself in vodka and Xanax until I collapse. Hopefully there isn't any standing water in 12B.

(1) Pikachu Onesie
Spolier Alert: I got a Pikachu onesie to wear for Halloween this year. It is also the only yellow thing I own.  I used to have a fuck ton of Iowa hoodies, but somehow none of them made it to LA. I could hit up my mom and tell her to send my dad with an extra (we are meeting in Evanston for the Northwestern/Iowa game) but that would be boring. Plus, my Pikachu onesie arrived yesterday VACUUM SEALED. Do you know how much space that will save? As it is, I'm only going to bring a backpack and it needs to fit a suit and all the other shit I need for the weekend. Spirit charges the price of a black market kidney to even carry on. Also the image of me drinking a 40 in a pokemon costume on the Union Pacific North brings a smile to my face.

(1) Suit
The last time I wore this suit I was covered in blood, sweat and tears…not like I worked hard for anything, but because I blacked out, face planted several times and cried when I couldn't get into my hotel room. Then I wadded up said suit and threw it into the corner of my closet. I took aforementioned wadded ball to the dry cleaners yesterday and handed it to a small Asian woman. I fully expect this suit to look brand new when I pick it up tomorrow morning.

That's it. That's literally all I'm taking, everything else can be figured out at a Nordstrom Rack on State Street. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's focus on what I hope to accomplish this weekend. The last time I was in Chicago for 24 hours I had no money and no job. I spent the day riding around on a city bike instead of doing molly bumps in the back of an Uber Stretch.

How do I want to frame this article? How about a decision tree of the choices I will face this weekend? This sounds fun.

First choice: You land at O'Hare at 12:15 Saturday morning. Go to the hotel or hit up the bars…

On one hand I'll be tired as balls after flying on an abortion of a flight.

On the other, you have to take advantage of bars that are open until 5am…

What I will likely do…
Oh you know the fucking second we touch down I am sending a mass text to everyone in the 312 asking who wants to go out. It will mostly be crickets because people in Chicago don't go hard anymore, but there will be one person that responds 'at the Mid' and this will be all it takes. Next thing you know, I'm running around the bar slamming shots of Patron with a goddamn back pack on. WHo is this playing? Crizzly? What's a Crizzly? I DON'T CARE BECAUSE THIS ACID I JUST TOOK TASTES GREAT.

This will lead me to getting to my dad's hotel room at roughly 6am.

'Why are you here so late and why are you sweating?'

Um…my flight was delayed a lot and I took the train into town to save money. The train was hot.

'Get in the shower we have to go to the game soon.'

Sounds good.

Second choice: Drink before the game or naw…

On one hand I'll be tired as fuck and I have a long ass day ahead.

On the other, I'll be in a goddamn Pikachu onesie and you have to take advantage of being able to drink on public transportation.

What I likely will do…
In what fucking world do you think I will not be slamming drinks on the train, on Northwestern's campus and potentially in the bleachers at the game. This will be tricky though, because my dad doesn't necessarily endorse heavy drinking at 8 o clock in the morning, so my drink of choice will have to be something heavy, that doesn't look heavy…like a Four Loko. There is not a chance on God's green Earth that my dad knows what Four Loko is. Thus, drinking 2 of these puppies will only raise moderate alarm from him.

If Iowa wins, I will probably coerce my dad to take the purple line back to Wrigleyville where we will have a few beers at Sluggers and likely take some batting practice upstairs. It won't go well. I wouldn't be entirely upset if we made it to the Lou Malnatti's on Wrightwood.

Third choice: After sending my father back to Indiana (via train) do I keep drinking or nap up for the wedding?

On one hand, my hotel room will be ready for check in. I will be drunk. I will have no slept since Thursday evening. Hotel beds are universally more comfortable than my bed.

On the other…THE FUCK outta here.

What I will likely do…
My buddy from Wisconsin will be getting into town just about the time I get back downtown. We will have roughly 4 hours to kill before the wedding. This is quite honestly the responsible decision. If I laid down for a nap at 2pm, I assure you I would wake up at 9pm in a panic. The prudent thing to do is for Dan and I to go to Benchmark in Old Town and rack up a $400 tab while we watch the afternoon games. From this spot I can probably also enlist the services of a task rabbit. "BRING ME A BELT AND CONDOMS YEE PEASANT. IF YOU BRING ME A GRAM THERE IS AN EXTRA 100 IN IT FOR YOU.

Fourth choice: When I inevitably spend too long at the bar and I have only enough time for either a shower or to run into a store and buy dress shoes which do I choose…

On one hand, yes the TaskRabbit probably could have gotten me shoes too but I was drunk and forgot. I'm going to get sweaty eventually but at least if I dress up there will be pictures of me looking semi put together.

On the other, I have had 3 frat bros get married to this point. One of them I wore Air Force Ones and the other two I wore dress shoes. The Air Force One wedding I woke up on a boat. The dress shoes weddings, I woke up in a pile of my own blood…both times.

What I'll probably do...
I'll probably do neither and just show up in the Pikachu onesie.

Fifth choice: Do I sneak a bottle of Fireball into the venue?

On one hand, for Christ sake, keep it classy Dave.

On the other, fortune favors the bold.

What I will likely do…
I will know almost every guy at this wedding. For the most part I am tolerated. I will know absolutely zero girls. The girls at this wedding grew up in LaGrange and now they live in the West Loop. I'm not from Illinois and now I live on the west coast. I am positioned well here. People will find me intriguing. I have long hair. I have a bottle of fucking Fireball. I have a hotel room on Michigan Avenue. WHO IS THIS GUY???

Sixth choice: Do I take molly before the wedding?

On one hand, of course not, show a bit of class Dave.

On the other, the groom's father told me his only life advice is 'Marry up.'

What I will likely do…
Oh I will roll. I will roll hard. I will roll hard in a Pikachu costume. This wedding isn't about me. The reception isn't about me. But to be fair, I am probably traveling further than anyone for this wedding. I can have a few pills, it will help me loosen up the dance floor! Who wants to dance with Pikachu! I will spin the grandmothers, I will do rock and roll knee slides. THERE WILL BE CARTWHEELS. I may even try a round off. There is no way this doesn't end with me getting a concussion.

Seventh choice: After I am inevitably kicked out of Moonlight studios, what do I do?

One one hand, I will have probably ruined friendships by this point, probably best to lick my wounds and head back to the Double Tree…

On the other, DOUBLE DOWN MOTHERFUCKER.

What I will probably do…
Butch McGuires! Do people still go there? Is it still a New Trier bar? NT kids are obnoxious as fuck. GO GREEN GO BLUE. Hell, I probably won't be the only one in a Pikachu onesie there. I hope they already have the Christmas lights up, I love that fucking choo choo train. There will probably be sad Notre Dame fans everywhere. I will talk shit. This would probably be a good time to hit up the Michigan girls for more cocaine.

Eighth choice: At some point in the night someone will invite me to a random party, do I go?

On one hand, last time I went to a random house party in Chicago I said "Oh my god you're the dude who fucked a chick in the bathroom of sports in that video!" I was violently thrown out.

On the other hand, I'm sure these random bros have a 'more the merrier policy!'

What I will probably do…
Drunk girls will always tell you to 'come to this party' when they are at some random dude's apartment. I don't know if it's because they want you to come make it weird or if they are actually not conscience of the fact that said dudes are trying to fuck them. I'll probably go to this pre game, say something controversial about the ATO video, find out they were in fact ATOs, get my ass beat and bleed all over myself. Fortunately at this point I will get a call to meet back up with my friends in Wicker Park.

Ninth Choice: Do I try for a 5am bar?

On one hand…Don't.

On the other…I have a problem.

What I will probably do…
I'll arrive in an Uber, he will give me a low rating because I'll ask him something like 'do you find the term anchor baby offensive.' I will walk to the door at Evil Olive and be told I am not allowed to come in. Fuck this guy. Whatever, I'll get some late night pizza and call it a night.

Tenth and final choice: The pizza place doesn't want to serve me.

There is only one option.

I land in Chicago in a few hours everyone, let's have a weekend to remember.