Since the day I moved to LA there has been some sort of temptation to take some sort of improv/acting classes. I suppose you could even say that the temptation existed while I was living in Chicago. However I was always impeded by a sheer lack of commitment. I've gone 28 years without a real girlfriend, how could I possibly commit eight Saturdays in a row to something as trivial as improvisational comedy?
It seemed to be one of those things that I would always talk about, keep on the back burner. Improv classes are just like having children, there will never be a perfect time. But one day after I found out that those bastards at the National Parks Department took down the cables at Half Dome, thus thwarting my trip to Yosemite, I said fuck it and threw down the $400 for UCB 101 Intro to Long Form Improv.
Selecting a Theatre for me was pretty easy since I am an elitist...UCB is the CAA of improv schools. Oh is it time for a tangent?
Comparing improv schools to their agency equivalents.
UCB is CAA, the biggest baddest in town. The unquestioned number one.
Nerdist is WME. The new cool kid. The Brooklyn of improv schools.
Groundlings is UTA. A little less main stream. Perennially in third place.
iO West is ICM. Just happy to be considered top tier.
Second City LA is Paradigm/Gersh, your best option if you can't play with the big boys.
Westside Comedy theatre is Innovative Artists…mediocre and in Santa Monica.
So again, since I am an elitist (and also wanted to carpool with this girl) I chose UCB. Famous people come out of UCB all the time. I want to be famous. It's not like you hear about a super famous comedian and then "...GOT THEIR START AT IO WEST!"
But I digress…
I arrive to the East Hollywood training center a little before 2:30 on a Saturday afternoon after an arduous 75 minute drive from Venice. It's hot, because of course it's fucking hot. Hollywood sucks. I climb the stairs and find room 229 with the nervous excitement of a college student going to their first day of class. Will there be lots of hot chicks in here? How about some bros? Will I sit in the cool section?
I literally changed my outfit 3 times before leaving the house, unsure of how to make the greatest impression. I decided on a Polo, 5 inch inseam Nantucket Red J Crew shorts and a backward Donald Trump hat because there is no cooler look in LA than 'displaced frat boy that doesn't give a fuck.'
Upon entering I notice that everyone is pretty average. No one immediately sticks out as someone I would have sex with or potentially do drugs with, which is fine. I'm here to get famous not necessarily up my fuck count.
Right away we are told that our instructor isn't coming. Something came up. I imagine something is an audition or some sort of acting gig because that's what all of your instructors are…either out of work actors or non-union TV writers making about $1000 a week. It's an interesting dynamic. They want you to succeed, enjoy yourself and keep taking classes as this puts money in their pocket, but they don't necessarily want you stealing their roles down the line.
A substitute comes in and spends the first 30 minutes of class going over the syllabus. It was mostly mundane save for one section that discourages physicality or offensive jokes. So if you thought this would be a nice forum to grab tits and decry Jews in the name of 'comedy' you are unfortunately not protected by so-called 'creative freedom.'
The first exercise is pretty silly, you come up with some sort of alliterative take on your name followed by an action that will help people remember. It's a bit of an ice breaker to introduce you to your classmates. I was tipped off on this in the car ride over so even though I had an hour to prep for this, the best I could come up with was 'Douchey Dave" accompanied by a faux collar pop. You then have to memorize everyone's alliterative nickname and mimic their action. The clear winner of this game was "Rockin Rocky" complete with a sick air guitar lick.
This game is followed by something equally stupid called 'Zip, Zap, Zop' which is essentially like the invisible party ball game I used to play when I was fucked up listening to techno. You essentially have an invisible thing that you pass to someone 'in a creative way.' Points to the person that barfed the ball to me, but the girl that tried long snapping was trying too hard.
After these two exercises it was deemed that the class was properly warmed up, and we got into our first real game which I believe was called, 'Just stand there and yell about shit you hate for like two minutes or so.' Wanting to show the class I was fearless, I volunteered to go first and went on an epic rant about my hatred of babies. It was pretty harsh and I think people were a bit taken aback by my abrasiveness as I had not yet spoken in the first hour of class. I got some huge laughs though, specifically for the line, "When I see a Baby on Board sticker, sometimes I just think about smashing into that motherfucker and doing that person a favor." I give myself 3 'yes ands' our of 4.
But almost everyone was funny, there was a takedown of the 3 typing dots on iMessage, shitty fake instagram models and my favorite reality television. Halfway through the first class I was impressed with the overall talent level of the group. I had imagined myself at the top, maybe one or two other legit wannabe actors and then a bunch of ass clowns. I was wrong, I suppose 28 hours of your life and several hundred dollars is only a commitment you make if you're serious about something…or you're pouting about a ruined hiking trip.
The last game before the break is "Panel interview," you are selected with three other people to sit on a panel as if you are famous people interviewed on some sort of talk show. One person in the group makes up some bullshit about who you are supposed to be and the group is supposed to run with it. Hilarity ensues.
I was in the first group again and the guy next to me said "We are scientists." The guy next to him mentions "Dealing with the sunlight problem in Europe." And how there is not a lot of it. "Adds the girl next to him. It's my turn to say something, and I think of a gem "Which of course had led to a very bad vampire problem.
Gold right? The rest of the interview spiraled out of control pretty quickly, we were blind scientists who were financing all of our research off of the trust fund of Dr. James Pants, whose father invented pants and receives a one dollar royalty for every pair sold.
Either our teacher was unimpressed or viewed us as comic geniuses that were a threat to his livelihood because he essentially gave us a Paul Rudd surfing lesson.
Then it's halftime! You have 10 minutes to go to the cafe, smoke a cigarette or go to the bathroom and send nude snaps to your ex girlfriend. I didn't eat at all that day in favor of an Adderall and a smoothie, thus I decided to head to the cafe for a bag of chips.
UCB's cafe or 'inner sanctum' as they call it is essentially The Max for improv nerds. There is a stage, a bunch of couches and 7 or 8 mildly disinterested people working on their screenplay. They look up at me as if to say, 'Ugh, it's just a 101er' the same resentful stares I remember receiving from Seniors on my first day of high school.
The second half of class focused mainly on a 2 person 'yes and' improv scene. 'Yes and' is one of the basic principles of improv in which you heighten the drama of a scene by agreeing to everything the other person says while adding some bit of information.
Example…
"This is a bank robbery, give me all the money."
"Yes and you're robbing me, with flowers…"
"Yes and I brought the flowers because we're going on a date after…"
"Yes and we're getting sushi…" blah blah blah
Or some shit like that. People give feedback, everyone tells you you're great. It feels pretty good. It reaffirms that I should have been a theatre kid in high school where everyone supports each other as opposed to football where everyone calls each other a faggot. But I guess it was worth it to get to go to the parties with the cool kids and drink Parrot Bay rum.
Moving along we do an exercise in which we attempt to plan a party using the same principles. It's craaaaazy how scenarios can develop when you just say yes. I'm pretty sure that's the premise of the movie Yes Man. My scene partner in this particular exercise is the one 'hot girl' and now that I'm standing right next to her it's amazing how little she is wearing, she just suggested our party have lube and I suggested it be the lube with peppermint oil that tingles. OMG she totally wants to fuck me. Now I know why all the theatre kids were always having sex, it's very difficult to keep these scenes non-sexual. I take back my previous statement, I would totally do drugs or have sex with this girl. Our instructor shoots me a sideways look, I think he's gay.
Class dismissed! We are encouraged to exchange numbers and hang out. Go see shows together. But sadly I'm in a bit of a hurry, I head down to Larchmont for some quick Salt and Straw and then back to Venice for a 'dinner party.' I use that term lightly because I blacked out harder than I have in six months, went swimming in the ocean at 4 o clock in the morning and may have offered to fund a girl's pilot. I guess that's the type of night you have when you keep saying yes.
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