Always Exfoliate

"What the fuck happened to you?"

I'm staring at my friend and his face is purple and his nose is bleeding. It looks like he has either been punched several times in the face or he is Joffrey Baratheon on his wedding day.

"This happens to me sometimes. I puked so hard that all of the blood vessels in my face exploded. I think I need to go home."

Home is not 'home' of course. We are standing at a bar in West Lafayette, IN and it's approximately 8 o clock in the morning. I am wearing a Boy Scouts Troop 444 vest and some extremely short shorts that I had procured at Goodwill the day before. At 19 I was convinced that I was in excellent shape so I would routinely wear as little clothing as possible to show off.

"Here is a key to Sig Ep, go sleep on Brad's couch, and for fuck's sake put on some make up or maybe find a mask."

So then it's just me and a bunch of kids from my high school standing around at the Wabash Yacht Club aka Stacks for Purdue's famous 'Breakfast Club' tradition. As much shit as I constantly give Purdue, it's the one thing they consistently got right. Instead of going to the tailgate fields at the ungodly hour of 5am, they would go to the bars for a while and THEN tailgate. Everyone wore ridiculous costumes and was shitfaced by 10am.

Cut to: 12 hours later I'm at a frat party at maybe Fiji? Perhaps AGR? Whatever frat had the fucking semi-truck converted to a DJ booth in it's basement.

I came out of a blackout, making out with some chick in aforementioned DJ booth. Being the enterprising young man that I am, I immediately tried to go upstairs and find an unattended room to borrow. Don't judge me.

Upstairs I found rooms of people taking shots, rooms of people doing drugs and notably a room of people doing a video cumshot power hour (yes, it's exactly what it sounds like, Purdue is weird)

I eventually decided to go back to that chick's dorm room.

I get back to my friend Brad's place the next day at 9am and he gives me Axe Snake Peel.

"I only use this when I feel the need to physically exorcise my demons from the weekend."

"What do you mean? Like it rips your skin off?"

"No they're just exfoliating beads. It's a metaphor. It makes me feel less guilty about one night stands."

I thought this was one of the funniest things I had ever heard. My buddy kept special soap around to use after the most debaucherous of evenings.

Unfortunately the Snake Peel didn't work and I ended up with Mono. I couldn't drink for two weeks.

It was awful.

Several months passed and I didn't think much about Brad or his shame soap. Until I went home for Easter that year.

Despite the fact that I was 19, my mom would still hide Easter Eggs in our yard, They would contain things like gift cards, $20 bills and candy. The last egg would include instructions on where to find our Easter baskets that would have some larger gift items that wouldn't fit in an egg.

When I found my basket behind the TV it was full of things you would give a college student. Cash, easy mac, a 4 pack of Red Bull, an Adderall refill and a giant bottle of fucking Axe Snake Peel.

To this day, I exfoliate after certain treacherous evenings.

***

Ten years have passed since that Easter and I still try to fit an entire week's worth of fun into every Saturday. And my friends are indeed planning a big celebration for the holiday. But this year instead of going to church like a good little Christian and then spending the night drinking to the resurrection of Christ; I will spend the day hungover dreading my impending improv class.

Friendly reminder: never make binding plans on a Sunday.

But if you ARE planning some Easter fun, I've whipped together a handy guide for your Easter party.

1. Easter Egg Hunt
If you and your friends don't do an Easter Egg hunt full of mini bottles, you need a new group of friends. If the plastic eggs you buy don't fit a mini bottle, you can always adjust them like so…

I also recommend hiding some Smirnoff Ice along with the eggs. What's funnier than reaching into the mailbox for an egg only to take a knee and chug a wine cooler?

2. Croquet
Spring is here, WASPS everywhere rejoice! Croquet is the perfect afternoon leisure sport to be played preferably in sweater vests and boat shoes. Remember, since March 21st has passed pastels aren't only acceptable, they are encouraged.


3. Day Daqs
Remember the first nice day in college? Everyone would take the day off and throw on shorts. One enterprising guy would drive to CVS to pick up a blender, 3 bags of ice, some daiquiri mix and a fuck ton of rum. Of course everyone will bring something to your pot luck party, but the guy that will be the biggest hit is the one who brings that daiquiri station.


4. Don't forget the games
Two elite eight games will be played on Sunday afternoon, possibly including your Indiana Hoosiers (***knocks furiously on wood) At this point you can go ahead and just pour yourself glasses of straight rum.


5. Fuck it, go out
I usually don't recommend hitting the town hard on a Sunday night. But whatever, it's Spring. It's Easter! The weather is nice, you look good, you're having fun! Just remember, no matter how drunk you are, try to be in bed by midnight…and if you go home with a random, remember to exfoliate with some Snake Peel in the morning. Happy Holidays!