I showed up to Mardi Gras 2013 a day early. Since I had a net worth of $200 at the time I had to stay in a hostel the first night. People give you weird looks if you stay in hostels in America but if you are alone and don't mind miserable sleeping conditions, it's a pretty good call.
Almost everyone is under 40, single and wants to party.
This particular night was the Wednesday before Fat Tuesday at the India House hostel. There was a pool and an eclectic group of kids drinking next to it. I kind of drank a few beers by myself off to the side and pretended to be reading a book desperately hoping they would notice me.
"Hey mate!"
Surely he wasn't talking to me. Probably one of his traveling companions. But I must have looked up a little.
"Ya, you! Come join us!"
It's all you ever want to hear when you're traveling alone.
I walked over and sat at the table.
"I'm Simon, this is my best bloke John. And these here girls are Laura, Michelle and Gabby. We're from Australia, the ladies are from the UK. We're having ourselves a drink before we head off to some Mardi Gras parades. Would you like to come?"
And just like that, I was in. I would come to find out that Simon and John hailed from Gold Coast but now made their living as third mates on a cruise ship 6 months a year. The rest of the time they bummed around the hostels of the world partying with strangers. What a life.
After knocking back a few drinks, we hopped on a bus to see the Krewe of Freret, pounded some more drinks, grabbed some beads and then made a beeline straight to Bourbon Street. We were in the Tropical Isle, Simon was buying everyone in the room hand grenades. Early in the night, it was looking like John was going to split off with Michelle and Simon with Laura. I was the obvious third choice, but Gabby seemed to like the fact that I was from LA. I think she confused the fact that I worked on a TV show with the idea that I ACTED on a TV show. She kept asking about my famous friends.
Late in the evening Simon approached me and informed me that he was heading back to the hostel to have a threesome with Laura and Gabby.
"Tough break mate, they're just really into Australian guys I guess."
I hung around a bit before eventually heading back and attempting to sleep while a Lebanese couple had aggressive sex on the bunk bed above me.
The next morning I saw Simon at breakfast, he yelled for me across the room summoning me to his table.
"Hey Dave, we're off to Houston today. John found a guy driving that direction, but I wanted you to have this."
He handed me a bag full of beers and an ounce of weed.
"Enjoy Mardi Gras mate."
And just like that he was gone.
***
All I've been hearing the past 10 years is that eventually I will have to grow up.
Counterpoint: No I don't.
Australians never grow up. Simon is probably like 35 now and he is either navigating a ship in the Caribbean or raw dogging an American girl at The Wombat Munich. Why the fuck am I in an office at 6 in the morning blogging about something I would rather be doing? I want to be one of those people that fucks off for a year and picks berries on a farm somewhere. I want to be the mysterious dude in the room with an interesting accent. I want the UK girl threesomes.
Legit question: Have you ever met an Australian that gave a fuck? Of course not. It's an island colony that was founded by convicts, but somehow they all became rich and super cool. None of them seem to work more than seasonally, yet they all live the life that white girls post about on social media #wanderlust. I see them everywhere, any time I travel and they are always the coolest people in the room.
Studying abroad was obviously the best decision I ever made and if you didn't do it you fucked up. Seriously, fuck your wedding or where you chose to work. Where you fucked around for 6 months when you had your parents unlimited credit card is easily the most important thing that will ever happen in your life. But it's not too late to do that shit again.
I want to do it.
I want to travel the fucking world. But not the way you want to. I don't want to stay at The Doubletree Prague. I want to stay at the Plus Prague Hostel. It's 9 dollars a night and it has a pool. A pool that is undoubtedly 72% semen. But I do not give a shit. I am going to take an Eastern European girl to that pool at 3 o clock in the morning and have my way with her.
That's what Simon would do. That's the Australian way.
I WANT TO EXPLORE!! I want to see things, I want to experience things but I'm SO SO broke. Maybe sell a kidney for a rail pass. Serious question, if you have only one kidney, do you get drunk faster? That's a win/win! Profit from organ sales AND decrease my alcohol expenditures. Simon would be proud.
Maybe I could bum around in Italy for a while and start one of those 'travel companies.' Essentially book party busses and hostels for students and then come on the trips…for free. There's no way Marko our Austrian party guide wasn't banging ALL of the hoes at Lorenzo de Medici. And no one thought it was weird either. Of course he's older HE RUNS A TRAVEL AGENCY.
I see you Marko, I respect that hustle. You get paid to live in Italy and fuck rich sorority girls. How have other people not figured this out? I'm qualified to do this job, I know how to do a Kayak search.
I have Australian cousins, perhaps they can teach me the sorcery of their ways. How to be not just cool but 'Australia' cool. I imagine myself with super long hair, driving a mid 80s Wrangler and doing freelance design for an energy drink company. Maybe I would live in a teepee in someone's back yard in Venice. When I'm not traveling of course... Maybe I wouldn't even keep a permanent resident. A TRUE NOMAD.
I mean that would make a hipster jealous. "No roots man, just live wherever the wind blows." Can you imagine pulling a full Jack Dawson on a chick you meet at a bar? "I got everything I need right here. I've got air in my lungs and a few blank sheets of paper, love waking up not knowing what's going to happen.
No wonder Rose chose that over Billy Zane.
Maybe some day I will value stability, long term relationships and responsibility. But at the moment I just kinda want to book a one way ticket to wherever Simon is and have him teach me some new Australian slang. I've already got a decent fake Australian accent.
There's a $500 one way flight to Sydney right now. Maybe I should just pull the trigger. Maybe you should too.
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