Friday, March 11, 2016

Friday Night Pep Talk


When I lived in Chicago I was convinced that the cure for any sort of unhappiness was to party harder. Because of this, I would often try to convince people to come out with me on a Wednesday or Thursday night.

It was easy in the beginning. Everyone was single, most of my friends hated their jobs, and a few of us were still on the family payroll. Why not go out? It will make us forget for a few hours that this is what the rest of our lives look like. Maybe we'll bring home a chick, it will break up the week a bit.

Over the years it became harder and harder. Guys had girlfriends or an early meeting. Even worse as it turns out, some people had lost the desire to get wasted in the middle of the week. Apparently when you're happy with your current lot in life you don't feel the need to drink yourself retarded on a Thursday. Being hungover at work sucks!

I decided it was time for drastic measures. Every night I wanted to go out, I would write a pep talk. I would use my linguistic powers to get people so hyped up they wanted to fight a fucking shark. I had them do my bidding via the power of persuasion. I was like one of the founding fathers that got the colonists all riled up with pamphlets and shit. But instead of using my powers for good, I used it for evil.

I don't have a burning desire to rage particularly hard this weekend, but I think it would be fun to see if I can inspire you to rip it this weekend. Here goes nothing…

It's raining outside right now. What a perfect weekend to stay in and be lazy. Maybe catch up on that DVR.

I heard there were some sparks on The Bachelor: Women Tell All. Sounds like a great way to spend a Friday night. Maybe you'll be bad and even have a glass and a half of white wine. I think a bunch of new Netflix shows just dropped as well! This is shaping up to be a crazy weekend.

Maybe you'll go visit your coworker's baby tomorrow. You've been promising to do it forever but just never got around to it. Saturday is the day. Drive up to Woodland Hills and visit the new baby. Maybe you'll even stop on the way to get a little baby gift. Perhaps you'll be referred to as uncle/aunt. Then Sunday you can finally get around to cleaning up the apartment. Sure it won't be the MOST fun at the time, but think about how good you'll feel when you're done. Yep, this sounds like one of those great, realizing yet productive weekends.

Counterpoint: No.

Need I fucking remind you that you are almost done with your 20's. Do you know what happens at 30? People give up. You give up. At 29, at least girls will stop eating for two weeks before Coachella. At 30, hey she's just a natural size 6 and that's that. At 30 you go home with a woman you met at a bar and find out that she is divorced with two kids and hasn't seen an esthetician since before Paul Walker died.

That is the reality you are speeding toward. And like that fucking tree, when you hit it things are going up in flames. I do not fucking care that you booked air travel to 7 weddings last weekend. No one put a gun to your head and said that you need to fly to Raleigh on June 8th for your Grammar School BFF's wedding. It's not even going to be open bar. It's going to suck. Your friend is going to try to set you up with someone unattractive because at a certain point beggars can't be choosers.

No fuck that. Fuck ALL OF THAT. Your youth is but a drying grape and you need to squeeze all of the fucking juice you have left until it turns into a god damn raisin.

That nephew that your family is guilting you into visiting? That nephew doesn't give a shit about your visit. He won't remember. That nephew has his entire life ahead of him. He gets to get high for the first time, have his first beer, touch his first boob. You know who does NOT have their entire life ahead of them? YOU!

I get it, there's nothing wrong with slowing down a little as you get older. And hey, you're fun! You took that trip to Thailand 6 months ago. #Wanderlust right? Well here's the thing, you've been living off the TBT of that trip ever since. Face it, you're in a rut.

But tonight could change everything…

Tonight you could say yes.

You could accept that invitation from your odd coworker to hang out. Maybe you'll end up at a house party up in the Hollywood Hills and meet Aaron Paul.

Maybe you'll meet a indie director who will offer you an acting part in her next film. Maybe you'll meet the man/woman of your dreams. Maybe you'll meet a group of cool new people who you will be friends with for the rest of your life.

Or maybe you'll just have a mediocre time and wake up with a headache. At least then you'll have an excuse to skip out on Woodland Hills. You can watch all those new Netflix shows in absolute darkness. You'll realize the Venice one sucks and be super thankful you didn't waste a weekend night on this garbage.

The fact of the matter is, if you stay in like an old Grandma tonight, you'll never know what could have happened. The entire rest of your life could be altered in some minuscule way.

Of course now I'm merely identifying the general principles attributed to the fear of missing out or FOMO. But I would argue that your decision to punt this weekend, the decision to just crawl closer to death without immersing yourself in experiences would be something much darker; a fear of living.

Follow me down this path here for a minute. Tonight doesn't have to be a drug fueled bender that concludes with you watching the sun rise over the beach. You don't have to hop in a car driving to Vegas at the last minute with nothing but a 100 dollar bill in your pocket and the clothes on your back. Just leave yourself open to the possibility of something magical happening. Host an impromptu party, go on a bar crawl, sing some karaoke, DANCE ON TABLES, drive to a beautiful vista point and listen to your favorite album of all time. Do something.

You've undoubtedly seen this video about stranger writing their regrets on a board. It's some rah rah bullshit click bait that is supposed to tell you that it's not too late to chase your dreams. But the underlying theme is as such: you will always regret NOT doing something more than doing something.

Maybe a heroin addict regrets the first time they tried smack but it seems like most people regret letting their life waste away from the comfort of their couch; watching reruns of bad reality television while they stroke their cat.

You're better than that.

Throw on your best outfit tonight and break some necks. Grab life by the balls and make a memory. Find a member of the opposite (or same!) sex and do butt stuff. WHY NOT?

You know what is low key super braggable? Always losing in 'Never Have I Ever.' When you lose Never Have I Ever it's because you've fucking LIVED man. I always judge the prude that's never drinking. Like, why haven't you ever had a curable STD? Didn't you see the 'Girls' pilot ALL INTERESTING PEOPLE HAVE HAD CHLAMYDIA!!!

So that's what I want you to do tonight. I want you to go contract Chlamydia.

Ok, don't do that. Let's walk that back a bit.

What I want you to do tonight is text a friend and ask them if they want to go get a drink. Whatever happens from there? That's up to you.

Tonight probably won't be the best night of your life, but it could be. I promise though that if you stay in, you'll never remember this night 20 years from now, and that to me just seems like a night wasted. But I'll let you be the judge of your own destiny, I'm heading to happy hour.

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