Last week our script supervisor broke her ankle. Knowing this would delay filming and in turn my weekend, I selfishly volunteered to fill in. For whatever reason, I was heralded as a hero. "You saved the show!" I did nothing. I literally sat in a chair, watched a monitor and wrote in a notebook stuff like, "She holds her coffee in left hand."
Apparently the person that does this is in a union and makes $400 a day. I was informed because of my altruistic sacrifice that I would be getting a pay bump. I immediately decided on the spot that I would use that money for a Coachella ticket.
I also have three use it or lose it sick days so I can easily make my Coachella trip a 5 day weekend, so fuck it, I'm going.
However, you may not have a script supervisor that breaks her ankle. You may not have a bunch of sick days. Or you may care enough about your job that you won't call in sick when you are blatantly going somewhere to do drugs.
That's ok. That's why I'm here.
Welcome to the 2016 Coachella decision guide.
First take this brief questionnaire.
1. Are you under 30?
2. If you were dropped in the middle of a field would you be able to make your way home?
3. Can you party 4 days in a row?
4. Do you love neon?
5. Are you generally a fan of hedonistic raves?
6. Do you use snap chat filters?
7. Are you voting for Bernie Sanders?
If you answered no to any of the above questions, you might want to skip out on the whole process. Maybe take a flier on burning man in the fall. But if you answered yes, congratulations you're a millennial! No need to check your privilege here my WASPy friend. Get your bitmojis and flash tats ready, you're going to the desert!
Step 1: Weekend one or weekend two?
Ah, the fundamental question as old as time. Summer or Anna…Boobs or ass…blow jobs or cheese…weekend 1 or weekend 2?
Full disclosure: In my three Coachellas I have never gone to weekend one. It's not that I don't want to vape it up with Leo or roll balls with Kendall Jenner. It comes down to the fact that television production usually wraps mid April so it's easier for me to jet to the desert for weekend 2.
Weekend 2 is also a lot cheaper. I have never paid for than $275 for a ticket and if you so chose, you can save about 30% on a house the second weekend.
That said, some people swear by weekend 1. People will be talking about weekend 1. There will be tumblrs and think pieces. There will be surprises. Weekend one is when the cool kids go.
But weekend 2 is always a bit more of a shit show. You won't find any Harvard Westlake girls on Spring Break at weekend 2. More like burners and rave girls telling stories about Lightning in a Bottle and Beyond Wonderland.
Simply put: Weekend one is a Bungalow crowd. Weekend 2 is a warehouse party crowd.
Some people like to see and be seen with the pretty people. Others like to stay up until 4 in the morning doing acid. Choose your own adventure. They're both pretty dope and you will have fun regardless.
Step 2: House, hotel or camp?
Probably the most important decision you will make in your life. You can divorce your wife, you can disown your children, but once you make a lodging decision in Indio, you're stuck.
Obviously a house and hotel will be more comfortable. Renting a 14 bedroom house in Palm Spring with 2 pools, a hot tub, a tiki bar and all that shit is great.
BUT. You rely on shuttles that come every 30 minutes. You will probably have a 15 minute walk to the shuttle stop. The shuttle to Coachella is 45 minutes. THEN there is another 20 minute walk to the venue. It kinda blows. Imagine making that reverse commute when your Molly is wearing off.
What ends up happening when you rent a house is a really fun day party at your house, then at 2 someone says "Hey I wanna see fuckbuttons at 3!" But no one is ready to go, so you miss fuck buttons. Then someone says "Hey I want to see the ferret avengers at 5!" By the time you have all motivated and get to the show it's 6 and the ferret avengers are done. Then you sit in the beer garden for 2 hours drinking 20 dollar beers until the headliners come on. Then the girls you are with will want to leave early because they're sobering up and want to beat the foot traffic to the shuttle.
By the second day you will just appoint sober drivers. By the third we considered not even going to the show. Renting a house in Palm Springs is awesome but it's not always the best play for Coachella. If you're going to rent a house shoot for something walking distance to the venue. It's worth the extra cost. But even if you are right next door, you won't realistically be able to go in and out, it's legit a 2 mile walk to get inside the grounds.
Hotel is similar to a house, but there will be random people to party with, so in case you don't have 14 friends, this might be an intriguing play.
But my recommendation will always be to camp.
Does it suck sleeping in a tent and waking up at 6 o clock in the morning to thumping bass? Yes.
Will you care? No.
Camping is the only way to truly experience Coachella. You will be sun burned, you will be dehydrated, you will smell. You may go down on a girl who hasn't showered in 2 days. But then when you hit the silent disco or get a 100 person game of flip cup going at 9am you will know it was all worth it.
That is unless you are heroes and get a house AND a campground. Rookies need not apply. (RVs and off-site camping are also intriguing veteran plays)
Step 3: When to leave
You'll want to work a half day Thursday and then have your friends pick you up at work (unless you're doing the whole sick day thing) this maximizes your obnoxiousness. I would recommend even changing into some raver gear before walking out the front door.
The campground opens at around 4 on Thursday and it's a good night to meet your neighbors, plant a few seeds, set up camp.
I would strongly discourage raging. Resist the temptation to start doing hard drugs. Your body can handle 3 days of partying on a semi-annual basis, pushing it to 4 might cause you to break Sunday evening.
If you opt for a house or a hotel the Thursday night house warming party will be fun, but again cap it at 10 drinks, Rome wasn't built in a day.
On the back end, take Monday off. Leave the campsite around 9 on Monday. It will take 4 hours to get back to LA it will suck, you will be hungover. You will be sad, your body devoid of endorphins. But you know what is worse? Leaving at 2am and driving straight to work on Monday. Never attempt this.
Step 4: What to bring
Obviously this will differ depending on your living arrangements, so I'll focus on a few of the intangibles you might forget.
Bring more beer than liquor. You can always make your beer cold, but if it's 100 degrees out no one is going to feel like slugging warm vodka. Bring a fuck ton of bluetooth speakers. It's probably the most important thing you can bring.
Whether you're in a house or not, bring a camping pad to sleep on. There may not be an available couch or bed when you get home. I slept on a pool floatie on a hardwood floor once. A camping pad would have been better.
Hot dogs are incredibly easy to cook and you can eat them cold in a pinch.
You should obviously spend at least a week picking out your coachella outfits but bring some sensible shit too. You're in the desert, it can inexplicably become freezing overnight. Bring some warm shit to sleep in. Also you might get fucked up and forget sunscreen day 1. You'll want some long sleeves to prevent skin cancer on day 2.
Also bring sun screen…a lot. And water…a lot.
If you have a shower bag that would save you a long shower line if you're a camper.
House or camp, bring games. Games are the shit. Cornhole, a beer pong table, even a deck of cards can go a long way, and it's key to making friends.
Oh and you'll want 6 pills per person…and some Advil, definitely Advil.
Step 5: Who to see/What to do:
Jack U, GNR, Zedd, ASAP Rocky, Calvin Harris, Flume, Sia, Miike Snow (Galantis!) Matt and Kim. Go see the headliners, don't be a hero.
Any time there is a lull in your schedule check out the Do Lab or return to a campsite to drink for free. Don't forget to eat. I always forget to eat when I'm partying. The easiest way to sneak drugs in is in the lining of a dude's swimsuit literally under his balls.
Always wear war paint.
Never go to bed early.
Stay with the group, it's always more fun than going to see The Lawyr's Sriracha Revival by yourself.
Make some memories, your 20's are finite and they will be over sooner than you think. You'll never want to grow up, but some day you just might have to.
Oh and PS I need a ticket. HIT ME UP and I'll see you there.
No comments:
Post a Comment