I apologize for the lateness of this article. I did some recreational drinking on Saturday night. That's probably underselling it. I got 'forget how to use a map' drunk on Saturday night. I've been incapable of doing anything other that watch tv since. I'll just briefly encapsulate my evening for you.
My neighbor had a dinner party because she thinks she's classy or some shit. We were going to have a nice dinner, some wine and then go to this weird ass warehouse party type thing called Purple 33. I took the opportunity to mold her evening into something more to my liking, because while I am pretty bad at planning things, I am great at instigating mischief.
There's a scene in The Dark Knight where the Joker says 'Look what I did with a few drums of gas and a couple bullets." That's me at your party. Look what I did with a few bottles of whiskey and a couple grams.
I blacked out at the pre game, came out of my black out and realized almost everyone was gone. While a less enterprising young man may have taken that as a sign that it was probably time to just call it a night, your hero decided that it was time to load in an uber and chase the night.
Purple 33 is located, well to be honest, I'm not quite sure. It's in Culver City somewhere, but not in fun downtown Culver, more like Inglewood adjacent Culver City by the Fox Hills Mall and the secret Chick Fil A. That said, I took a total of 3 ubers to go maybe 5 total miles. Apparently when you pass a certain point of drunkenness you lose complete ability to read a map. I would jump out at stoplights and think, I MUST be close, only for my traveling companions to tell me that we were still 3 miles away.
We finally arrived to Purple 33 a 'member's club' that is able to stay open and serve drinks until 6 o clock in the morning. They don't take cash or card, instead you 'make donations' for mysterious tokens that can then be exchanged for drinks at a later time in the evening.
So here I am, wandering around this treehouse of a building in the rotten underbelly of LA's raver sub culture. It's like the magic castle but with less light. There are trap doors and hidden rooms, secret stair cases that take you to exclusive areas. All the time you are holding this big ass coin hoping you find a bar and don't get jumped by the creepy burning man types all around you. Wait a second, you know what the best example is?
Purple 33 is like a very drunk version of Legends of the Hidden Temple.
At around 3 o clock in the morning I found myself in a sub basement that only contained neon green. I felt like I was in some sort of Wizard of Oz themed Emerald City acid trip, but not necessarily a good one. I needed to get out. On the way out I felt a jingle in my pocket. I had two tokens left, apparently none of the temple guards had shaken me down for my pendants. I asked for 2 tequila shots to go.
"We don't do that here."
She looked at me like the savage I am. I scowled. I bet she wouldn't say that to me if I was wearing my Blue Barracudas shirt.
"Whatever, I'll take them here."
"But you're leaving, maybe you should just stop?"
I reached behind the bar and poured myself a double shot of vodka and flipped her my coins. I couldn't tell if she was horrified or impressed. I saw something that I wanted and I took it, because that's how I live my life.
Like a true Baratheon. Do you know who is definitely not a Baratheon? Ben Higgins.
***
Your head is probably spinning right now. You're thinking, wait, that 700 word diatribe about after hours bars in LA and Legends of the Hidden Temple was only an intro into a something that will be tangentially related to Game of Thrones? 700 words is like double the length of an entire Buzzfeed article. Why don't you just split it up into multiple pieces of content?
This is not Buzzfeed my friends. This IS however my final Bachelor recap of the season.
Benny Higgins just couldn't help himself. He flirted with the idea of taking Jojo and half of her trust fund, but at the end of the day, he just couldn't do it. Ben Higgins is a good guy.
Ben Higgins is a Stark. He's just a simple man from the North who believes in some core principles such as loyalty and honesty. Hell, he lives in Denver now where Winter is always coming.
The episode itself was a bore. Ben introduced each girl to his parents and neither girl completely embarrassed herself. Then he took each girl on a date and they cried because they found out he was in love with two people. There were lots of 'I'm scared,' and a bunch of bullshit from Ben about how HE IS GOING TO PROPOSE TO ONE OF THESE WOMEN TOMORROW.
Spare me Ben. It's a fucking reality show.
Instead of spending his last few hours in Jamaica back flipping off of waterfalls and getting wasted in hot tubs, Ben pulled his old "Tell me how you're feeling!" SHARE YOUR EMOTIONS WITH ME. It appears to be the only way he knows how to connect with women, he's like a bad therapist.
Anyway, eventually Ben goes to talk to the jewelry guy and picks a truly hideous ring that 'speaks to him.' Upon talking to the ring he is convinced of who he now needs to pick. This was the moment I became convinced that Ben was an unusually tall Hobbit.
Ben dumps Jojo, she cries. I cry because Jojo looks fucking phenomenal.
Ben calls Lauren's dad who is happy to give his daughter away after one in person meeting and a 30 second phone call. No word on whether or not Lauren's brothers found out that Ben fucked his sister (and 2 others!) the week before.
Ben proposes to Lauren, she cries. I cry because Jojo looked fucking phenomenal and after two hours of utter mediocrity, the show ends. Smash to After the Final Rose.
WILL BEN GET MARRIED LIVE ON TV?
Spoiler alert. He will not. He'll wait until his fame has waned and then take a big pay day for an ABC primetime special, but in happier news. Fuck diversity, Jojo is the new Bachelorette!
My final thoughts are this. Lauren was fine. She was a cute inoffensive girl next door. Her Game of Thrones character equivalent would probably be someone like Margery. Margery is whatever. She's definitely not anyone's favorite character, but most people don't actively hate her. Portland seems a little Highgardenish. Right?
But Jojo…Jojo was a star. Her family has more money than God. She has an extremely tight family with a castle set up in the South? Of course she's a Lannister. But like young princess Myrcella she was murdered, right before her triumphant return to her homeland.
But she deserved better than Ben. Hopefully on her season she will find some bad ass Targaryen to ride off into the sun with. I still haven't received my casting call after sending in my Bachelorette audition. I even promised them that I would drink too much and that my borderline personality disorder might come into play. Unfortunately she'll probably have to settle for Aaron Rodgers' brother.
All in all, it was a fun season. It made Mondays slightly more tolerable and I can't wait for this summer's Bachelor in Paradise to get all the bullshit going again.
Lastly, If we learned any lessons this year it's that if you want to win The Bachelor tell your brothers not to cock block you and if you don't want a 4 day hangover, avoid Purple 33.
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