Slytherin 4 Life

I'm going to do the world a service right now. You've probably been watching the Bachelor this season and can't quite decide how you feel about everyone. 'Oh Caila is nice but she kind of gives me a serial killer vibe. I like Jojo but she intimidates me.'

I get it, fitting people in perfect tiny little boxes is hard. Except when it isn't. Let's rewind the clock 7 years ago. You were probably sitting at some job that you hate and in a pre-BuzzFeed world, internet quizzes were not always readily available. But you remember your first sorting hat quiz. Even in my fraternity halls, everyone knew where you stood.

"Oh you don't want to go out on a Tuesday night? That's a real Hufflepuff move."

The four houses of Harry potter were distinct and absolute. Everyone fits into one and it defines your destiny…even our polished politician Ben Higgins, such a Gryffindor.

Gryffindor – Ben Higgins

Notable alumni: Harry Potter, My roommate Jack, Juliet Litman, Tom Brady

Oh if it isn't the glorious try hards with hearts full of gold! Give me a fucking break while I make this dismissive wanting motion with my hand.

Your boy Ben Higgins couldn't be more Gryffindor if he tried. I can just see him rolling down Main Street Warsaw right now with an ugly redhead and some nerdy not-yet cute girl he has repressed sexual feelings for.

So many times this season, Ben should have put girls out of their misery. But he couldn't. It was like watching Harry Potter spare Malfoy's life so many times. Harry should have wand stabbed Draco in the face at the end of book one and saved the world from the horror that is Tom Felton's acting career.

Gryffindor isn't all bad. I mean look, they're good at sports, they’re nice people, they seem pleasant to be around. I personally find their eager to please attitude annoying but it will probably suit Higgy well when he’s the Lieutenant Governor of Indiana. LOL JK he’ll be making Hollywood club appearances the rest of his life.

 

Ravenclaw – Chris Harrison

Notable alumni: Luna Lovegood, most girls I try to date, Bill Simmons, Magic Johnson

Aw yes, the oft overlooked Ravenclaw, the smartest kids in the room that maybe also like to get high?

Oh you don’t think Ravenclaws like to smoke?

Q: Which came first the phoenix or the flame?

A: A circle has no beginning.

Quick, is that a quote from The Deathly Hallows or something I heard at Burning Man last year? TF does that mean?

The truth is Ravenclaws are dope and you know who else is dope? Chris Harrison.

They say that the smartest trick the devil ever player was convincing the world that he didn’t exist. Well the smartest trick your boy Chris Harrison ever played was convincing producers to fly him all over the world to exotic locations and pay him a fuck ton of money all for about 30 seconds of screen time.

For the uninitiated this may seem foolish. Why would someone intentionally limit their own presence on a show? The answer is because set life is absolutely fucking horrible and Chris knows this. I imagine he trots out for his one scene and stares the director down, his eyes saying ‘you better get this in one, I have a foreign film I’d rather be watching.’

CH gets it, just like Garrick Olivander, Cho Chang and all the other famous Ravenclaws that are cooler than you. All titans of industry are Ravenclaw and they’re usually pretty chill.

Slytherin - Jojo

Notable alumni: Voldemort, Me, The girls I end up dating, Tim Riggins, Rowdy Roddy Piper

Sometimes it’s fun to root for the bad guy. This is why everyone is envious of people that work at CAA and it’s why I’m rooting for Jojo.

Of course Jojo hasn’t done anything particularly terrible yet, but do you have any doubt that Jojo would fuck your boyfriend and then laugh about it?

Jojo is an alpha of the highest order and doesn’t give a shit about you or any of your ideals. Ya, she’s rich. Ya, she’s better looking than you. Maybe she even has fake boobs, but there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.

And without drawing direct correlations to race relations in America, I’m petty sure Jojo’s brothers wouldn’t be too thrilled with her bringing home a mudblood. I mean she is from Texas.

Jojo is like every popular sorority girl that ever shit on you rolled into one. While she may not win this silly network TV show. does anyone have a doubt that Jojo will land a back-up NFL quarterback before this is all over?

Hufflepuff - Lauren

Notable alumni: Cedric Diggory, Seth Cohen, people not in fraternities, everyone that works at ICM, Dwight Howard, Marco Rubio

Hufflepuffs are just happy to be here. They’re just as inoffensive as Gryffindors but on top of that they lose. They’re like this year’s Brooklyn Nets.

And if Hufflepuff has a patron saint, it’s certainly Lauren B. Oh, I’m sorry it’s just Lauren now. Lauren is about as exciting as the stale donut I ate at craft services this morning. I mean it will do, I guess.

The most exciting thing to happen all season involving Lauren was when her little brothers asked Ben if he was going to have sex with their sister in the fantasy suite. Spoiler Alert: He did! And with two other girls too! Almost enough of a hero move to push him into Slytherin, but not quite.

Lauren is probably going to win The Bachelor (breaking a 4000 year streak of Hufflepuff inadequacy) but her prize will be a sales rep in Denver. A real Hufflepuff ending. Really think about your friends that live in Denver. Did they move there at 25 to escape some sort of life rut? Ya. I thought so.

Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs Ben Higgins! Hey it could be worse, you could be a squib.