Emo

"What exactly do you want me to do?"

"I don't know...stand over there by that tree or something. If anyone tries to walk past that tree, tell them no."

It's my first day in the entertainment industry. I'm on the set of Paranormal Activity 4. We're in a remote neighborhood of Los Angeles called Santa Clarita. It is highly unlikely that someone is going to walk past this tree.

My boss is some thirtysomething who was probably one lucky break away from a career as a successful screenwriter. Now he line produces commercials and independent films. He hands me a $20 bill and tells me to go pick up a 6 pack of Lagunitas for the director.

"But don't turn this receipt in. Pick something up in the parking lot of a grocery store. We can't expense alcohol."

I got this job because my friend Eric works on a tv show with this guy's wife. I interviewed with her but didn't get the job. Some producer's kid got it instead. But the consolation prize is that I get to be a producer's assistant on a promo for the 4th installment of a bad horror movie franchise.

When I get back to set with the 6 pack, a PA is violently waving her arms at me. I park my car and get out.

"WE WERE ROLLING, YOU RUINED THE SHOT!"

I don't know what this means, but I'm convinced I'm going to be fired. I walk up to my boss, 6 pack in hand and prepare to profusely apologize.

"Oh dude...don't worry about that. Only three things matter in entertainment. Show up on time and don't fuck up lunch or wrap gifts. People love free shit."

That movie was weird. Since it was so far from LA proper, most of the crew lived in the house. There was a pool and batting cage in the backyard. One day at lunch I threw on a swimsuit and showed everyone my mad skills off of the diving board. I know how to do a full gainer (inward flip) something I thought would be impressive to the crew. I am also an excellent baseball hitter. I broke the camera man's nose by hitting the ball back at him. He was not pleased.

I ended up working for this guy for about 6 months and then he pawned me off to his wife who worked at Fox.

"You've been called up to the big leagues Dave."

"I promise I won't fuck up the food or wrap gifts."

It was a rough transition to network TV. My first day on the job I told someone that the traffic getting in was 'worse than cancer.' Her dad had died the previous week from cancer. My uncle had died that day from cancer. Obviously traffic is not worse than cancer, I just say things sometimes to shock people.

I made a lot of mistakes on that show, Keifer Sutherland sent me home from the wrap party because I was too drunk and I was convinced I would never work again.

I went back to work for my original boss after Touch got cancelled. We were doing a Cadillac commercial. I had to drive a 7am tech scout on a Sunday morning but I had friends in town that weekend. We got a room at the Roosevelt hotel in Hollywood. We stayed up until 4 o clock in the morning doing questionable things with women of ambiguous morals in the hot tub. I was two hours late to work.

When I showed up at 9am, my boss looked at me and said, "You know it never changes right?"

"What do you mean it never changes..."

"You don't just wake up one day and say 'I'm not attracted to skinny 21 year old girls anymore' you will always want to stay up until 4am and bang sorority girls it's just that some day you're not allowed to anymore."

I shockingly never got fired from a movie, tv show or commercial in Los Angeles. I am about as reliable as a herpes outbreak and not generally good at anything.

I haven't blown up in any capacity though and am still at the moment a 29 year old assistant barely above the poverty line.

I don't remember when I decided that I was something special. The first 10 years of my life I was a nerd. I went to special schools because my mental aptitude was frighteningly high for Indiana. The next 10 years I was a bit of a loser. I tried to roll with the popular kids and was consistently left in the dust. I was picked last in pick up sports and would sometimes sit alone at lunch. Inexplicably the last ten years I decided that I was some sort of party God that you would all bow to. It's incredible what above average dance moves and an impressive alcohol tolerance will do...but I was convinced I was going to be famous.

My two neighbors growing up got famous. One is in the NFL, the other is a closer in Major League Baseball. Maybe Bowline Drive was just blessed with talent.

But it didn't happen for me. I would often sit around and think about every decision I made in my life. What if I wouldn't have blacked out in Manhattan the day before my Leo Burnett interview? What if I would have never changed my major to Marketing because I wanted to prove to people I could do it? What if I never left Chicago? What if I learned how to hit a curve ball?

And yet here I am, in Venice Beach, living in a three bedroom apartment with dirty clothes on the ground.

My mom used to come to Bloomington and do my laundry. It was great.

But here's the deal. I might never make it. It's entirely possible that I will live in a 3 bedroom apartment in Venice until it's long past the point in time that is socially acceptable to have roommates.

But...

Who cares?

I went bowling tonight with buddies. I wore a beer stained shirt that looked like it was covered in cum due to the black light. It was hilarious.

We went dancing in a basement bar. I was so hot and sweaty, I almost passed out.

And now I'm drunkenly writing an emo post at 2am to parrot my old boss's sentiment.

I'm still happy here. I didn't wake up today and decide I wanted to have a family, I woke up today hoping for an adventure.

Tomorrow I'll play bad golf on a 9 hole course. I'll probably have too many beers. Then I'll go to a boozy brunch on the beach. I hope there is an Easter Egg hunt. At some point I'll have to make it to improv class, I'm kinda dreading it. But whatever.

The important thing is that tomorrow will be awesome. My life is awesome. LA is a fucking dream. If I make it as a professional writer that would be great, but if I don't?

It could be worse.