Be a hero this weekend

I know the feeling.

You're sitting around the office listening to two women in high waisted jeans talking about their 4th of July plans. One of them is going to a wedding in Calgary. Fucking Calgary. Who leaves America for the 4th? The other is hosting a brunch. She's baking a pie tonight, trying a new recipe. If things go well maybe there will be time for a farmer's market.

You're thinking to yourself, you have to be fist-fucking me. There are no valid plans this weekend that do not involve copious amounts of dark liquor and domestic beer. There is absolutely not a single waking moment that you will spend without multiple drinks in your hands.

You've heard terms like 'maturity' and 'growing up' thrown around lately and you have decided that you are a HARD OUT. I get it. I'm going through it too.

While the people around me scour Pinterest boards on how to make festive cupcakes for the weekend, I will spend an equal amount of time learning how to make original formula Four Loko so that I can ensure I end friendships this weekend, because that's what I'm about.

You will be judged. I WILL BE JUDGED. But you know what? Fuck 'em. You may get funny looks when you show up for work Tuesday with suspicious bruises, but LIFE IS A CONTACT SPORT.

I will be a one man wrecking machine this weekend. I will pour drinks on people that annoy me. I will evict people from parties if I deem they are not having enough fun, EVEN IF ITS NOT MY PARTY.

Do not listen to the haters this weekend. Do not check your privilege. If someone offers a hot take on the election tell them to take a lap. In fact, make them take a lap. If they do not take a lap, shoot them with a bottle rocket. Sure they may press charges at some point down the road. But in the short term it should purge their negativity from your space.

If a DJ refuses to play Bieber, take his iPhone out of his hand. Place it on the floor, and take a shit on it. Nothing asserts dominance over someone like publicly defecating on their stuff. Don't clean it up after either, just grab the Fireball and move to a different room.

You are going to be a star this weekend. People will say things to you like 'I don't eat meat' or 'no thanks, I'm sober' and you will just face palm them out of your presence. LOVE a good face palm.

Play by your own rules this weekend. If your roommate doesn't wake up when you pull the fire alarm at 7am, literally funnel vodka into his or her mouth. They will thank you later. Take uppers when you're tired, take downers when you're wired, stay hydrated. It's impossible to die if you stay hydrated. A drunk guy told me that at a music festival. It's science.

The phrase 'day off' will not be in your lexicon this weekend. If any casual acquaintance of yours utters it, they're fired. Number deleted. Any nudes of them in your phone uploaded to the internet. Revenge porn is warranted in cases of extreme cowardice.

Give zero fucks this weekend. In fact give negative fucks. Is it possible? Make it possible. This could be your last Fourth of July. It could be the last Fourth of July for someone you care about. Who knows, it could be the last Fourth of July for America. Make it count. Every fucking second. Make it count. Go to happy hour tonight. Stay out way too late. Fuck work tomorrow. Your boss is a communist for making you were on Independence Day Eve, Eve, Eve.

Go to the bar at like 3pm tomorrow and stay for 12 hours. Get arrested. Get out Saturday morning and go directly back to the SAME BAR. Steal a boat. Rich people don't press charges. Go to a pool and do a cannon ball near a hot, dry girl sun tanning. When you surface stare at her and simply say 'sup?'

She will totally fuck you.

Sunday skip church, God will forgive you. He is a big fan of America, that's the reason we have better lives than everyone else in the world. Divine Providence.

Monday get up and start the day by shotgunning a 6 pack of Budweiser aka AMERICA. Then switch to shots, because fuck it, why not?

Apply sunscreen. Drink water. Again, dehydration is the only force strong enough to take down Hurricane You.

When people start dropping like flies Monday night, give them the double middle fingers and triple down on your partying. Leave a mess everywhere you go. Someone else will clean it up.

I AM FUCKING FIRED UP FOR THIS WEEKEND.

But really...ok, I'm taking a deep breath. This is the cool down.

I am just excited to spend time with my friends this weekend. Friends like you! I listen to people around me whine all day about how shitty their lives are. It's nothing but 'I really hope my friend cancels our drinks tonight' or "I would rather go home and read than go to this dinner.'

That is lame. This post is an over-correction to that type of thinking. At some point it became cool to be a loser and talk about it. It makes me nauseous. When did people stop craving human connection? I think maybe I take for granted that I've got roughly a hundred kick ass people that I can call to go do something dope with. And I cherish our time together.

I'm losing yet another Los Angeles friend next week and it bums me out, but I'll be god damned if I'm not sending him out in a blaze of glory.

I am going hard this weekend. And you should too. Happy 4th everyone!