It's Wednesday around 5 o clock. This used to be the time of day you started throwing out a few feelers to see if anyone wanted to hit up Kincade's for dollar beers and karaoke. I know it hasn't really been a thing for a few years now. People left Lincoln Park, it's a ghost town. Your friends bought condos in West Loop. There are a few people in Wicker Park still, a couple in Lake View. It's a balmy 25 degrees out though and you've had a hell of a week. Maybe one night for old times sake?
The texts come in...
-Can't, looking at wedding dresses with Jennifer.
-Soul Cycle.
-Saving for a down payment on a house.
-This is the only night a week I can jerk off.
-Just don't want to.
That's when it hits you. Maybe it's over for you here. You've been working a sales job for the past 5 years selling glorified coupons/freight/software and you finally made it to middle management. But when you weren't paying attention, people settled down. People moved to Austin, they moved to Denver. A Saturday night came and went and you didn't get a single text message inviting you to get into some sort of debauchery. Whereas your snap chats used to be full of cocaine and tits, now it's a toddler adorably tumbling to the ground. Ew.
You look outside and see snow. But not even pretty snow. It's 12 degrees and you are surrounded by dirty slush and black ice. You die a little every day when you crawl to your local L stop and ruin another pair of boats, you haven't seen the sun in a fortnight.
Maybe on a whim you booked a trip to New York City to see some old friends. 'Damn, they're still crushing it,' you tell yourself. But fuck, it's so cold. And the people that moved to Brooklyn never hang out anymore. They think they're too good for Brother Jimmy's. Where can I go and it will just be like it was…
Nowhere. You can't run away from your age. Well you can, you can just hang out with younger kids, but at age 30 even that gets a little sus. But you do have one option, you can always go west.
At this point grad school seems unlikely. It's too late for Denver. Your deadbeat friends moved there and somehow they turned it around and are now 300% more successful than you. You're too late for Austin too. 2014 was really the year to get in to the booming start up scene (no state taxes) rents have caught up with the growth. But what about LA? Can you handle a city full of two faced back stabbers and gluten free kale? Fortunately for you, I made a handy little guide to let you know if it's time to take the plunge.
Started from the bottom…
If you come to LA you have to be on board with starting over. Unlike the midwest where there are lots of made up industries to accommodate fuck up frat guys, you won't find TQL logistics or Aerotek staffing here. (Eh, you might) There are probably some hip start-ups that do that shit, but if you can't get a dope job in LA you will likely be an assistant (making $700 a week) or do something in the service industry. It's not embarrassing to be a bartender here. Lots of people work at Juice bars or restaurants or hotels and no one gives you side eye. Everyone in Los Angeles is working toward something. Actor/Writer/Director/House Flipper/Singer/DJ/Club Owner so a lot of people work shitty jobs along the way.
It is common for people to have roommates here well into their 30's and no one you know will be married. Of course you don't HAVE to do entertainment. There are people that work at Red Bull or the Honest Company or Tom's. There are a fuck ton of ad agencies, digital marketing firms and start ups in Santa Monica and Venice. Just don't expect those jobs to fall off a tree. You'll have to smoke organic weed with someone in a Whole Foods parking lot first. Until then, answer phones at NBC, it's a solid starting point. LA is expensive but not New York or SF expensive. You should be able to find a room in a cool neighborhood for around $900 a month.
It's lonely but…
Before you move here, you should know it can be a lonely town, but there is so much shit to do. Go on a hike, go see a movie, go ride your bike 50 miles. Everyone here is active as fuck and looks pretty good too. You can probably get away with carrying 20 extra pounds under a baggy hoodie in the midwest, but you will stick out here. Also no one smokes, smoking hurts your mile time man. It's so fucking nice out here. Cigarettes are a product of misery, I know because I used to be miserable and I smoked a lot. You're much more likely to tag a joint and go surfing in LA. Be comfortable in your own skin. There is nothing weird about doing things by yourself, people are busy you know?
I've been in between jobs a lot in LA. Such is the nature of working on a seasonal television show. I try not to spent a lot of money during those periods but I still manage to do some really cool stuff. Bike to Malibu and fall asleep on the beach reading a book? Free. Hollywood sign hike? Free. Also most of our museums are free at least one day a week. You'll probably need a car here depending on what industry you work in and car insurance, parking tickets, street cleaning is a pain in the cock in LA. Budget in at least a thousand dollars in fines your first year here, but you'll get the hang of it.
Pick your neighborhood wisely…
There is no public transportation in LA. Well there is but no. Where you live defines you. I know you think you will be the one to go east of Lincoln on the weekend to visit Hollywood. You won't. Maybe once a quarter. One of my top 10 friends in the world lives in Hollywood a mere 12 miles from me, I see him once every 3 months. Are you a medical device sales bro? Live in Hermosa. (Note: You cannot live in the south bay if you are a male under six feet tall. It's the beach volleyball capital of the world, you will be dwarfed) Are you SUPER INDUSTRY? West Hollywood. Do you like hanging by the beach, doing some unspecified creative thing? Venice. Do you want to have kids and send them to public schools? Valley.
I may be biased, but just move to the west side. If you can't afford Venice, live in east Santa Monica. If you can't live in east Santa Monica, slum it in Mar Vista for a while. Whatever you do, do not fall victim to the fallacy of 'but the house is cool.' No one gives a shit how cool your house is. If it's in an undesirable area no one will ever visit you. It's much better to live in a shoe box in a good neighborhood. If you're doing LA right, you won't be home that often.
Your old life is over…
You might make it back east once a year. If you are in a relationship, you have to end it. You will probably only make it to weddings that you're in. You can drive to some bachelor parties in Vegas though. More one on one time with the groom I say! Social media will help you keep in touch with old friends but it's tough. The way I cope with it is an aggressive open door policy. I am always begging people to come visit. It's awesome here, come see me in February when you haven't seen colors in 4 months. We'll take chicks to the beach at 3 o clock in the morning and have sex with them. I do this frequently, it's great!
But you should also know, that this will stunt a lot of things. Are you looking to get hitched? Do you want kids within five years? LA is a bad choice. This is a morally indifferent chess pool full of a bunch of opinionated idiots that will give you their hot take on responsibly raised chicken at a dinner party. Learn to bite your tongue, or don't. I'm horribly offensive whenever anyone takes me out. I got my neighbor and I kicked out of a Ice Skating rink and then stole someone's shoes recently. Can't take me anywhere.
Palm Springs is the new lake house…
The only thing LA doesn't have is lake houses. We have a town full of golf courses and gay men instead. I know it sounds shitty but it's pretty dope.
You won't know anyone at first…
Except for me and a handful of other Facebook friends you lost touch with years ago. But it's fine. There's a dirty little secret about LA that we don't tell everyone. No one is actually from here. We're all transplants. You'll find some Craigslist roommates and maybe one night you'll go to trivia with these guys and meet one of their other friends. That guy will invite you to fill in for his softball team. Then some Saturday you'll hit me up and ask if I want to go watch an IU game. I'll take you, you'll meet people there, someone will ask you if you're going on the upcoming bar crawl, you'll say yes. You have to say yes for 6 months before things will work out for you in LA.
Eventually you'll be in an alumni Facebook group where jobs are posted, you'll start hanging out with one of your coworkers and all of his friends from Texas Tech. You'll take a UCB class and meet some industry friends, one of them will get famous, he'll get you into clubs from time to time. Eventually you'll get an invite to Coachella. You'll go and do acid with some new people. Once you do acid with someone you're like totally besties. One of your new acid buddies will hook you off with a better job that you're wildly unqualified for because drug bros.
Check your politics at the door…
People here believe that you should be able to self identify as a gender fluid Caesar Salad if you want to. They say things like 'Mercury is in retrograde.' Or 'You have the energy of a Taurus.' I don't know what any of this shit means, but if a girl says these types of things, she usually gives a great blow job, so just roll with it. You're going to have to also stop calling things gay or retarded. That's a big no no around here.
It's pretty chill around here…
New York has a certain hustle to it. Some people like a 'city that never sleeps' mentality. I personally don't like bumping into Pakistani food venders and a constant drone of inexplicable noise. Bars are not open until 6 in the morning here and most people under 30 are broke. Everyone has a shitty script and will claim to be a producer and the professional hustle is real. But on the weekends, you can sleep until noon, hit a spin class, go for a hike and then wait until 5 to start drinking. Every day here is perfect so there is no looming threat of snow around the corner to force you into seizing the day at every possible moment.
The world is yours…
If you feel stuck, give it a go. Do you want to be sitting there in 20 years and wonder what would have happened if you went for it? If you come here and hate it, I promise you, your shitty midwest city will take you back. Why not trade in the video game controller for a triathlon bike for a couple years. At the very least you will be skinnier when you move back and your fat college friends will find you desirable. You can reinvent yourself out here, maybe you have a lucrative career as a prop master that you never saw coming. Maybe you can get a job at Snap Chat curating the local Venice story. How many tits do you think you would get to look at every day!
I've lived in LA for a while now and I watch people leave all the time, but no one looks at me and says, I wish I wouldn't have given it a shot. If you're reading this, it's not too late. There is still time for you to move out here and start dating someone 10 years your Junior. Trade in the suit for a pair of flip flops and join me. I promise, we'll have a blast. Two hours in any direction lays a wildly different adventure. So I guess the question is, are you up for it?
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