Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Bachelor Report: How to Keep a Guy for 10 days


It was a suicide mission, a spectacular kamikaze crash followed by a viking funeral for poor Lace. She realized that her patented move of getting black out drunk and sloppily tripping all over Ben was not going to work a third straight week. No producer would intervene to save her pathetic soul. The jig was up.

So without a modicum of grace, young Lace put a metaphorical gun to her head and pulled the trigger.

"I need to work on me for a while," she told Ben as she announced her departure. It was almost too ironic when she appeared on the after party with Paget Brewster and Paul F Tompkins.

"Do you think you would do it again?'

'No, probably not.'

What a crock of shit. She is already booked to appear on Bachelor in Paradise in like 3 weeks.

'What do you think your biggest mistake was?'

'Getting too drunk.'

Or maybe she didn't get drunk enough? Lace was undoubtedly the star of episodes 1 and 2. Last night she was largely innocuous until the final segment when it appeared that she would make one more drunken push. Perhaps Ben is like a death row warden who will not put a prisoner to death that is under the influence.

Perhaps it was a mercy killing, but one thing is certain, we will never know. This week's framing device is what Aaron Rodgers Hail Mary can save each of the remaining 14 contestants if they realize they are up against it. Of course it's never a situation you want to be in, but it will happen to each lady at least once this season, so here is some free advice…

Amanda - Amanda already played the 'kids' card. I think that buys her exactly two weeks. Ben is a politician. Of course he doesn't want a woman with a ruined vagina and a van full of baggage but if he cuts her last week he's a monster. Had he cut her this week everyone would have been keen on his OH YOU WAITED ONE WEEK WE SEE THROUGH YOU BEN. But wait 2 weeks? All good. So what can Amanda do next week to save her stretched out skin? My ex beat me. Will it set the feminist SJW agenda back 5 years? Sorry gals, the Rolling Stone article already did this. I'm sure it's not a TOTAL lie, I'm sure her baby daddy yelled at her once, THAT IS ABUSE. Anyway, battered woman story buys her 2 weeks minimum.

Amber - At 30, Amber is about to age out of this whole process. She's clearly the least attractive of the remaining contestants AND she had her spotlight episode this week. Amber's best hope should be a quiet dismissal next week and one last stand on BiP followed by a career doing promotions in the Chicago club scene. She could do recon for Taffer when Bar Rescue hits Chicago. Amber will eventually marry a rich white guy, probably Russian. BUT, if she wants to stick around one more week  she needs to play the race card. Remember all Indiana people are afraid of being accused of racism, one comment about her light skin ought to do it "In school the white kids AND the black kids called me mud blood because I was mixed race." Tears and a rose follow.

Becca - Look who has quietly moved on to round 4 with nearly zero screen time since episode 1! Becca gets a one on one date next week and there is no way that Becca is the first solo date to NOT get a rose. But let's be real, Becca isn't going to win. I'm thinking she gets cut right around the hometowns, but here is an absolutely diabolical way for her to go one more week. Becca hasn't really played the virgin card this season because everyone already knows. But what if in the last six months Becca was deflowered. What if it was after a night of heavy drinking? What if it was MAAAAYBE rape? Becca doesn't even have to insinuate that she was totally one hundred percent raped, just plant the seed of doubt that verbal consent may not have been explicitly given. I am going to hell.

Caila - Did anyone get a stage 5 clinger vibe from Caila last night? It was physically hurting her that she wasn't going on those one on one dates with Ben. It made me uncomfortable. I still think Caila goes super far but there will come a time when she is against the wall and desperate times call for drastic measures. I think Caila can avoid going home by seducing Ben. If she gets him super drunk and seduces him, preferably in his childhood bedroom? He doesn't stand a chance. No one forgets their first Asian, especially if it's a spectacular blowjob in a room full of Little League participation trophies.

Emily and Haley - It's so obvious/inevitable that there is going to be a Emily/Haley showdown via the infamous two on one date aka loser goes home. I think I favor Emily, she was dope in goal last night and almost won the game for team stars (love you Kelly O'Hara.) Neither are going to win outright, but I see an unprecedented scenario in which they both survive the two on one: twincest threesome. Every guy has had this fantasy and Ben would straight up execute Chris Harrison before denying himself this indulgence.

Jennifer- Roommate Sarah surmises that Jennifer has fake tits. This is an interesting wrinkle in an otherwise uninteresting contestant. Barring a one on one Jennifer is badly in need of a storyline. I've got one for you, it's an ugly duckling story. Jennifer wasn't pretty and therefore she wasn't happy. She's one of those weird girls that had her dad get her a boob job for high school graduation. Anyway, she tells Ben this story and he's all like 'oh that's interesting' but then she says, have you ever felt fake boobs before? He shakes his head. She pulls her top down and ben goes to town on those puppies. This buys her at least a week.

Jojo- I asked my friend Meg for help on this article and asked what she would do in this situation. This is what she provided.






Clearly girls think about this kind of thing. Anyway, I don't think Jojo needs any of these because she is def going to the final 3. I don't think 'my second cousin just died' is as effective that deep into the game, but if she IS about to get iced? She had a cousin Joe, that died a day before shooting. THAT IS WHY SHE GOES BY JOJO, it's a way to honor him. The fact that her name is Joelle is just a coincidence.

Jubilee - Ugh, Jubilee became my least favorite character last night. She got all weird and "I'm adopted wahhhhh." I've got a friend who is adopted and he skull fucks the world every morning. He is crushing it harder than anyone I know. Also did you read between the lines "in my past I was….it was bad." SHE WAS TOTALLY A STRIPPER. Maybe a hooker! Anyway, ABC is going to push for Jubilee to be the next Bachelorette because Empire and Blackish are hits on network television. Will white girls watch Jubilee's season of The Bachelorette?  I don't know. But here is something I do know, if Jubilee opens up about her stripper past she will get one final courtesy rose. (Ed note- I once was involved with a girl and she told me about her stripper past. We were at my favorite bar when she told me. I didn't even finish my beer before leaving.)

Lauren B- Last night Lauren B received the first solo date. They went on a ride in a biplane which was cool. Then they inexplicably got in a hot tub in the middle of an empty field, it was weird. Before they hopped in the tub there was a moment when Ben says 'uh there is a tree over there and you can uh change into your swim suit.' For a split second I thought she was just going to undress right in front of him. It would have been SO fucking sexy. I would have probably needed to recuse myself from the family room to go jerk off. BUT SHE DIDN'T! What a missed opportunity. Anyway, Lauren B seems like a cool chick, I hope she comes out of this ok. However if she does find herself on the hot seat, I think a friendly reminder that she could fly all over the world FOR FREE would be enough to keep her around for one more week. People from Indiana want nothing more than to get out. That's why he moved to Denver (people that move to Denver or Austin are just running away) free international would be mighty tempting.

Lauren H- Man I dunno, Lauren H seems to be kinda lingering around despite no screen time. Kinda reminds me of my homie Sammi Steffen last year. Maybe Lauren H is just getting a shitty edit or maybe she's super boring. She just doesn't seem like the type to feign mental illness or cancer. She is hot though and she is a teacher. She does seem to be a little freaky. She could be the one that fucks him first. It would be pretty cold to diss the girl you fucked right away. Or maybe she could give him a full eye contact blow job. I had this happen to me once and I was drunk with power. More girls should hold eye contact during fellatio.

Olivia- God I hate her. Knowing she has Morton's foot makes her even worse. "My friends just died." OH I CAN TOTALLY RELATE I HAVE UGLY TOES. Fuck off Olivia. Here's the deal. When I was younger I think I told my mom that if she didn't unground me and let me go to a party, I would kill myself. This is preposterous. I was not going to kill myself. My mom knew I wasn't going to kill myself. In fact, I think she called my bluff. What if I would have been in a weird mood and just taken the bit too far to be ironic? This is a real precarious situation for a upper middle class white parent because
A) If you let your kid go to the party, they will walk all over you for the rest of your life.
B) If you drive your kid straight to a mental hospital, your kid will hate you and your neighbors will think you're weird.
C) If your kid DOES kill him or herself you will lose all your friends. No one wants to get drinks with the bereaved parents, sorry, that's just life homie.

Olivia would totally kill herself or she might kill Ben. If she threatens it, she will get a rose, but then I pray to God Ben goes to the producers and asks for some sort of intervention.

Rachel- LOL Rachel went DOWN in that soccer game. If I were her fantasy owner I would have immediately been thinking torn ACL, straight to the IR. But it looks like it was only a minor tweak, perhaps a minor MCL strain? We'll call her day to day. Anyway, unemployed Rachel probably doesn't have health insurance, you think ABC covers that shit? What Rachel did do though was tease a solid strategy for someone on the way out. Fake a major injury. No way is Ben immediately ditching the girl that drunkenly fell down the stairs and broke her collar bone. What is more likely is that girl would fight through the Rose Ceremony like a hobbled Ben Roethlisberger, get one rose and then the next week announce that she was opting for season ending surgery. Better luck next season on BiP Rachel!

So there you have it! Once again, this is probably bad advice, but what do I know? I'm just a 28 year old single straight male writing 2000 words on a dumb reality show instead of looking for a better job! See ya next week basic bitches.

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