When I moved to California from Indiana people looked at me a little strange. "Oh, Indiana, you guys have the horse race?" No we have the car race. "That's right! The Daytona 500, right?"
Close enough.
Despite the fact that my home town lays claim to one of the most dominant football teams of the last 20 years, a strong NBA franchise and Indiana University; a lot of people don't really know where Indiana is. They have a general idea of where it is and what it's about in the same way that I have a general idea of where Hungary is.
The truth of the matter is that people in California do not know US Geography. When we were learning states and capitals in 3rd grade, I'm convinced they were learning about different strains of Kale. I'm used to this behavior. My friends out here thought Indiana was 'somewhere on the east coast, by New York.' When I studied abroad half of my colleagues (we studied through Marist College) were convinced Indiana was in the south 'by Memphis.'
So apparently no one knows their geography…at least not people from the coasts. Do you know why? Because the middle doesn't matter. The only places that matter are New York and LA, oh and "I've heard Chicago is cute to visit during the summer."
This is the coastal bias. This is why Becca thought Indiana was actually just vertical Pennsylvania. God Becca, you're such an idiot, such a beautiful, gorgeous, idiot.
And that moment of brilliance was just in the evening's first segment, onto episode two of the Bachelor Report, let's get catty…
PART 1
"Whatever you think is supposed to happen, I'm telling you, the exact reverse opposite of that is going to happen." - Jesse Pinkman
Here are 5 things that blew my mind last night.
1. The white girl with double D's beat the black girl in the 100 meter hurdles.
2. After having several full blown mental breakdowns, Lace's strategy of sabotaging the show proves successful as she is given a rose.
3. Tiny adorable little LB gets a rose and then just decides to quit?!
4. A woman tells a guy she has TWO kids and he doesn't run for the hills.
5. Kevin Hart and Ice Cube appear! Haha just kidding those two idiots will shill anything, RIDE ALONG TWO IN THEATERS THIS FRIDAY!
The first date last night was a trip to Agoura Hills High School. It featured an ejaculation simulator, a scene re-enactment from Deuce Bigalow and a good old fashioned free throw contest because INDIANA.
Also, my favorite potential runner of the entire season is that "Ben is good at basketball." This seems like one of those contrived story lines that people will likely let go without questioning, because Ben is 6'4" and played in high school…plus he knows Cody Zeller! Ben may have been a serviceable player on a 2A high school team, but know this, you could have played for Warsaw High. Your autistic nephew could play for Warsaw High. Enough takes and clever editing could make me look like Steph fucking Curry. Until I see Ben play LIVE I will assume he's just a little Justin Bieber, all hype until he goes 1 for 12 in the celebrity All-Star game (still wins MVP.)
I should add, the 'ejaculation simulator' was actually the girls building erupting volcanos and the Deuce Bigalow thing was girls bobbing for apples (in white tank tops!) in a fish tank. I have a call into the producers because I'm totally trying to build an orgasming volcano this weekend.
Mandi won all these stupid 'back to school' contests and got to be 'the homecoming queen.' It didn't matter, Mandi's face is whack, it was clear that when she didn't snatch the group date rose she was toast. Ben instead decided to take Jojo to the top of the JW downtown and practice his slow play make-out routine in which he tests the waters with a peck and then goes for the FULL SNOG. I like this move, I may test it out this weekend.
PART 2
Man it is tough to believe that Ice Cube was once feared. Two things immediately stud out to me during his appearance with Kevin Hart on last night's episode. One, Ice Cube is short as fuck. He's not Kevin Hart short, but he's probably about 5'9". I don't care if someone that short has a gun, I still wouldn't fear them. I imagine part of the reason NWA was so popular in the 90's was because people couldn't google their height.
*Does Google Search*
Ice Cube - 5'8"
Easy-E - 5'3"
MC Ren - 5'8"
DJ Yella - 5'9"
More like midgets with attitude.
Dr. Dre, at 6'1" is tall enough to ride, you can come.
Also Kevin Hart being on the Bachelor gave white people something to talk to their black coworker about today.
"Hey did you watch the Bachelor last night? Kevin Hart was on, he's SO funny."
Subtext: I'm not racist because I enjoy a super watered down black comedian.
Kevin Hart is great.
PART 3
I think I would be extremely good on a reality show with two exceptions. I would never in a million years make it past the 2nd challenge in Fear Factor. You want me to jump off a 10,000 foot building? Sure, see ya. You want me to lay down in a bed of cockroaches…NOOOOOOOOOPE!
The other exception was last night's love science bullshit in which Ben smelled everyone. Now look, I don't have much to complain about in this world. I'm a tall, skinny, white, American male. The fact that I need Viagara after two beers and that I have somewhat unfortunate smelling feet are really just part of my charm I suppose. That said, I felt for Sam. Until last night, she was just going to be Sam the attorney that was on The Bachelor. Now she's Smelly Sam…Sour Sam. Pick your alliteration. Sam had no 'scientific' attraction with Ben. The cooky doctor straight up called her the fuck out while also pointing out that Olivia's 8 out of 10 was a near record setting score.
After the visit to the love lab we saw a classic Bachelor taboo, Amanda started telling Ben about her girls which he was (surprisingly?) stoked about. He then practiced his patented peck and song (it's the new dump and chase…bump and run) before TOTALLY ICING HER on the group date rose, opting to give it to Olivia.
Does Olivia scare anyone else? God, look at that mouth.
PART 4
I think with all of my casting connections in Los Angeles that if I put one hundred percent of my effort behind it, I could get on a season of The Bachelorette. If I could make it to episode 2, I would maybe even get an invite to Bachelor in Paradise (where how attractive you are really takes a back seat to how hard you can party) It's possible I could even parlay a reality career out of it until I was dead from a heroin overdose at 32. Should I try it?
One thing is for certain, I'm not pretty enough or interesting enough to get past round 1 on merit, so here is a ranking of the schemes that I think could keep me around.
1. Form an incredibly strong Bromance in episode 1 that keeps me around. Maybe I pal up with someone named Evan and people will call us 'Devan' and there will be think pieces entitled 'There is a beautiful relationship happening on this season of The Bachelorette and it's not the one you think…'
2. Be the drunk party guy. Producers love the drunk party guy even if he has shitty teeth. Drunk party guy would make it to week 2.
3. Dead sister. If I got out of the limo and told Bachelorette Jojo that I'm only doing the show because my sister told me on her death bed that she wanted me to find love, I'm advancing.
4. Kids. Who doesn't love a single dad!? We live in Venice and teach surfing to blind kids pro bono, WHAT A FEEL GOOD STORY.
5. Be the funny guy. Being the funny guy is tough, because it's REALLY easy to eliminate the not funny guy who thinks he's funny guy.
I thin my best bet is to become best friends with some dude named Evan and go on The Bachelorette with him. When I eventually get voted off after episode 4 there will be a tearful goodbye with Bachelorette Jojo but the real goodbye will be me and Evan. It will be a real Pearl Harbor moment between Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett.
"NO DANNY YOU CAN'T DIE. YOU'RE GOING TO BE A FATHER!!!"
"No Rafe…you are." *Danny dies in Rafe's arms. Everyone cries*
Ok quick takeaways from the rose ceremony.
-LB fucked me. I picked her as my winner last week and she just quit. WTF LB? I still think that the silent girls are dangerous. Watch out for Rachel and Jojo, they won't get a lot of screen time early but in The Bachelor only one rule applies…survive and advance.
-I'm legit having panic attacks when Lace is on screen. The train wreck has ceased to be entertaining, now I am just praying for a mercy killing.
-Ben still has three blackish? girls left, I guarantee this is an overreaction to being from Indiana. I operate under the assumption that people think all Hoosiers are racist so I often times go out of my way to prove how UNracist I am. It's the same principal as a Jew that spends a ton of money. Actually now that I think about it, I act racist all the time, in fact I just made some sort of nested jab at Jewish people. I'm the worst.
-It takes all of my restraint not to get on Reality Steve right now. I JUST HAVE TO KNOW. I made it through maybe 2 eps of Making a Murderer before I said FUCK THIS and went straight to the wiki. This is the ADD generation we live in.
Next week it looks like we're getting a twin showdown. Hey Ben, I'll gladly take your garbage! This was actively my move throughout high school when I was a total Beta male. Hang out with hot dudes and receive a begrudging hand job from the girl they didn't pick. It was awesome. Can't wait until next week betches!
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