Surviving Sober January

It sounded like a good idea at the time right? Sober January, everyone is doing it. All you need to do is stop drinking for 30 days and you'll come out the other side with six pack abs and disposable income. You'll feel so good you'll want to fight a fucking shark.

Ya, I was duped too.

The only thing that sober January has taught me is that I exclusively pull chicks via drinking. Legit, if I ever do this again I need to have some sort of side piece on blow job retainer. But I will not ever be doing this again, the agony I experience when opening snaps of my friends doing blow without me is far more harmful than a standard weekend of debauchery.

But if you've made it this far, you may as well finish out. What's that Winston Churchill quote that used to pop up when I would get killed in Call of Duty? "If you're going through hell, keep going…" Something like that, anyway, here are a few things that may make your alcohol abstinence tolerable for the next few weeks.

Plan something dope

If you're a true savage like myself, your weekend bar tabs ordinarily reach $300+. When you take that out of the equation, you suddenly have a lump sum of cash burning a hole in your pocket. Sure you could use some of it to reimburse your dad for paying your car insurance for all these years OR you could book a sick ass trip to Europe. As of this writing you can get a roundtrip ticket to Europe from most major American cities for under $500 if you travel some time in April. 

A Saturday night in is a lot easier to swallow when you are down a rabbit hole learning about all of the acid you'll be dropping in the free town of Christiania.

Go to the gym you bum

Using a conservative estimate, I imagine I drink about 40 drinks a week. The internet tells me that an average alcoholic beverage contains 150 calories. That equates to roughly 6,000 calories a week. That's almost half of the total calories one is supposed to ingest in a week. Thank God for being a tall male. But for real, cutting those 6000 calories out so long as they aren't replaced by a gallon of ice cream every night should lead to weight loss.

Now imagine on top of that if you worked out, just a little. You would be a fucking stud…at least compared to all of your college girlfriends that got fat. Seriously, have you looked at anyone's recent wedding photos? Everyone looks like hell. At this point in your life if you just maintain you'll be crushing it. Just do sets of 5.

Write your shitty pilot

Anyone who has ever been up past 3am doing cocaine knows a guy with an idea. "Bro it's like Workaholics but it's set at SalesForce." Or what about "Always Sunny set in Lincoln Park."

I get it man, your brotastic life is worth writing about. But no one will ever know unless you put that shit to paper son. Also it sounds so much better when you have an interesting answer to "what did you do this weekend." 'I worked on my pilot' sounds so much better than 'I jerked off 11 times.' If you need script writing software you can get a demo of Final Draft or Celtx, which is always free.

Treat yourself

I've got a buddy who goes to the strip club every Friday at 5 because strippers tell you how fucking money you are when they're giving out OTPHJs. That's some real Wolf of Wall Street shit that I'm not necessarily into, but I do love going for a massage. I like to imagine that I am their king and they are serving me, this is probably because I have a Messiah complex like Kanye West.

Massages are dope and they make you feel great for the entire week. Also if you go after 10pm there is a 50/50 chance she'll finish you off for an extra $40.

Learn something moron

There is a lot of shit I wish I knew how to do, but my work schedule dictates that I only have time to do cool stuff on the weekends. Typically from the minute I walk out of the office until about 2am Monday morning, I am drinking. But this proposal presupposes that maybe I don't? That leaves so much time for activities. Get your fucking pilot's license. Remember in Pearl Harbor when Josh Hartnett takes Kate Beckinsale flying? There is NO WAY he wasn't fucking her after that.

Take improv classes and land your own Anna Kendrick. Get your scuba cert. Get licensed to officiate a wedding. I bet the wedding officiant ALWAYS get laid. Learn a language. You're already getting laid on your Eurotrip but if you speak the native tongue you might pull off a threesome.

That's it. That is everything I have for you. January is only 15 more days and then you can shotgun all the Four Lokos you want. I just want you to know that a sober month can be more than Netflix and sleeping until noon. Until then my friends, enjoy your St. Pauli Girl NA while watching football.