I'm one third of the way through sober January and it's really a shame. I feel as if I'm doing a disservice to the women of Los Angeles by spending these few weeks as a hermit because I think that I am physically peaking. Yesterday after shaving my chest and getting a hair cut I realized that if any one of my ex girlfriends, nay, any girl I had even shared a spark of sexual tension with were to see me, it would be over. I would snap my fingers and any boyfriend they may have had would become a distant memory.
Maybe my sobriety is a gift to the men out there who date women with adulterous ambitions. You're welcome guys. Better lock that chick down by February 1st.
I'm kidding, this is just one of the fairy tales I tell myself during sober January, something that always seems like such a good idea on January 1st when I'm in the throws of alcohol poisoning and a horrible ecstasy come down. But by Saturday the 9th? I was ready for a beer. Yesterday at a beef jerky tasting? I could have gone for some wine. And for fuck's sake you KNOW I am going to want some rose when I'm getting catty tonight during 'The Bachelor.' But typically when I commit to something, I at least make an effort to follow through.
It's annoying because I kinda want to ask a girl on a date, but I can't go on a date and NOT drink. That would be like going to Vegas and NOT doing coke or jerking off and deciding not to finish, going to 7/11 and NOT getting a Cherry slurpee. So instead I sit on my couch brooding, spending money on future fun, getting really fired up about things like massages and pedicures. Just this past week I applied for Global Entry, booked a trip to Denmark and bought new ski equipment. Why? Because January will end and my kick-ass life will resume, only I'll be even skinnier with better skin. The women of LA do not stand a chance February 1st.
But also, like all of you other peasants, I've spent a lot of time fantasizing about what I would do with a billion dollars should I win the Powerball. It has consumed me, it's really all I think about day and night. When someone pisses me off at the office I conjure scenarios in which I give all of my coworkers a million dollars BUT NOT THAT CUNT. When I'm stuck in traffic, I remember that helicopters won't have to wait at red lights. I believe that Wednesday's Powerball drawing after tax will net out just half a billion dollars. Here is what I will do if I win…
7, 17, 27, 60, 63 PB 9.
I didn't pick those numbers, they were assigned to me at a Ralph's kiosk. I went in there to buy a new razor and a stick of beef jerky. I always buy a new razor instead of a pack of blades, the reason is I never value having a shaved face at $50, even though I know in the long run it's a better value, I would prefer just to buy a brand new Schick Quattro for $9.
I get home and my numbers hit. I'm rich. Conventional wisdom says to go to Vegas and immediately liquidate all of your assets on hookers and cocaine.
I WILL NOT DO THAT. NO DRUGS. DRUGS CAN KILL YOU. When you have a billion dollars your number one goal should be not dying. (When your net worth is $1,000 it's a little less important to stay alive)
I will drive to the Venice Beach police station and request protection.
I will donate $5 million dollars to this police station and an additional $5 million dollars to the neighborhood if you protect me until the CA lottery has acknowledged my win and started payment on the checks.
I also think $5 million dollars should be enough to clear up any pending legal issues I may have. For one percent of my winnings I have bought off my local police for life. Fair deal.
Ok I get my paycheck, I'm a hero in the community. Now I have to deal with all the people asking for handouts. If you are a Facebook friend, you get $10,000. FLAT. That's it. You are never allowed to ask me for anything ever again. I have 1,556 Facebook friends. That means a payout of about 16 million. Worth it to never hear from Jacob from elementary school ever again.
My dad will be given 100 million dollars of my money to manage professionally. He will then retire and exclusively put my money in low risk t bills and bonds. I'll buy he and my mother a house in Newport Beach so they are close, not too close. I will buy a 5 million dollar house and move there with myself, my current roommates and my brother. He will be my personal assistant.
ALL THAT SHIT leaves me with roughly $350 million dollars.
This is where we start turning up.
Columbus Bluejackets are valued at roughly $175 million dollars. I'll offer $250 million, that's roughly 42% above market value. Why would I do this? Because owning a sports franchise automatically makes you a giant swinging dick. The Bluejackets are shit and I don't know anything about hockey, I will hire my friend Eric Kozik to run the organization for me. He will command a salary of 3 million dollars per year. I may take a loss on the team for a few years but hockey is trending up and I'll eventually operate with a healthy profit margin.
Next is my film production company. For $10 million I think I can start a boutique firm in Venice called AWOL films. It will focus on coming of age movies about Millenials budgeted between $250,000 and $1,000,000. We will have an office on Pacific, it will have about 4 employees. I will hover board to work.
How much money would I have left at this point? Not much. I imagine whatever little I have left I would focus on travel and living expenses. Assuming my father could get me a 10% return on the hundred mil I gave him, I would be able to easily live on the interest and eventually start a foundation that focuses on providing pro bono legal defenses to fraternities that get in trouble.
TL;DR
Pay off Venice police for protection 10mil
Facebook friends get money, never allowed to as for anything ever again. 15 mil
Give 100 mil to my dad to invest. 100 mil
Buy house on Marina Peninsula. 5 mil
Buy house for parents in Newport. 5 mil
Buy Columbus Bluejackets. 250 mil
Start AWOL Films, procure office space on Pacific (maybe where Broken Road used to be next to Seed) 15 mil
Eventually start a charity that bails out fraternities in trouble. My homies can all work there and receive inflated salaries. it will be great. ~1 mil
That leaves roughly $100 mil for Bluejackets payroll, the AWOL films staff and my travel/living expenses.
I think somehow the math actually works. Let's hope I win!
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