The best part of my shitty job is unquestionably the fact that at age 28 I get a Christmas Break. I haven't been to the office in 17 days. No one has sent me an email. I didn't read any scripts on the plane. I turned my brain off and lived a life of leisure for 2.5 weeks. It was awesome.
The state of affairs at home is not great. A short person would get lost in my bedroom, I'm fairly certain every article of clothing I have ever owned is spilling out of an unpacked suitcase somewhere in there. I don't even think there is an illegal immigrant that would be able to bring my apartment up to quasi livable conditions. Instead I'll sit in filth and wait until this weekend where the absence of alcohol will open a giant hole in my life that can be filled with…cleaning. Ugh. This was a terrible idea.
Let's go back to a time when things were simpler…2015.
We're driving through Bishop, CA when I see the sign 'Tire chains required past this point when this light flashes.' The light is flashing. I take a sip of my Mammoth Golden Trout Pilsner and turn my attention to my iPhone, looking for a new Doug Loves Movies episode to get us through the Inyo National Forest.
"Uh, guys the light was flashing."
I turn around to face the person in the backseat and make re-assuring eye contact with her.
"We got new tires yesterday, did you see the fine print?"
"Road signs shouldn't have fine print."
"SUV with snow tires OK."
"So you got snow tires?"
"I'm pretty sure all new tires are rated at SNOW."
This is of course bullshit. I know nothing about snow tire law or its various loopholes. I do know that we are only 100 miles away from our cabin, two hot tubs, two ski resorts, a brewery, a fireplace and a week full of sin. I'm pretty sure we'll make it and certainly don't want to pull over. White out conditions be damned.
"We definitely won't get pulled over."
"I wasn't worried about getting pulled over…"
And so began the 2nd annual trip back to Snowglobe, an adorable little music festival that takes place on the football field of a community college in Lake Tahoe. It essentially posits that everyone knows music festivals take place in the hot sun during summer. What this festival presupposes is maybe they don't?*** EDM artists from the little known 'fuckbuttons' to headliners such as 'Jack U' play at all hours of the day to a bunch of affluenza-stricken white kids on drugs. Coachella in the cold.**
*I know I riff on that quote too much but it's my favorite movie so fuck off.
**This is also how TV shows are pitched. "It's like HOUSE but he's a cop!"
I'm not saying it would have saved me if I didn't drink the first night, but it definitely didn't help. Our 'a couple beers before bed' quickly turned to Fireball shots until 3 in the morning. The first gondola ride at Heavenly consisted of me cursing the brightness of the sun and also it's insufferable reflection off of the snow.
I shouldn't complain, there had been a 36 inch blizzard Christmas day and eight inches overnight. The ski conditions were near perfect and the overwhelming amount of powder meant that when I slipped and fell all over the Nevada side of the mountain, I emerged relatively unscathed.
This was a ski trip, sure. But by 3pm all I could think about how much molly and whisky I could consume before Galantis and Skrillex took the stage. I was a veteran of course and with $140 lift tickets every day on the slopes, I knew one surefire way to keep costs down on the trip and that was to pre gam…hard.
The classic slopes to snow globe pre game would typically look something like this.
330p: Apres ski, 2 beers.
400: Hot tub, 2 beers
430: Shower, 1 beer
447: shotgun a beer on patio
448: 50/50 dark and stormy
451: Initiate drinking game - Fuck the dealer
508: shotgun a beer on patio
509: shot of Fireball
510: Initiate new drinking game - Kings
530: shotgun a beer on patio
545: DARK AND STORMY
600: Fill the flasks
605: Prep the molly, initial dips
615: Call the shuttle, prep the roadies (4 per)
630: Load shuttle, drink said roadies (3)
645: Unload shuttle at Lake Tahoe Community College with walking beer
652: Get shaken down by undercover cop. Shamefully pour out 1/3 of walking beer.
700: Walk through security with 5 flasks hidden among my 7 layers like it's NOTHING.
701: Rave.
I'll be honest with you, I do not remember much of night 1. But the fun is in the journey right? I know I came out of a blackout in a hot tub circa 1 in the morning. I know that a security guard yelled at me and chased me away and according to my snap story, Skrillex played 'Cinema' I feel comfortable calling the night a win.
I woke up day two with that uncomfortable energy that scares me a little. It usually means only one thing: delayed hangover pending. There is one obvious way to defeat this, retox before it can hit. Fortunately for me, we had a bag of mini bar bottles for the slopes.
MINI BOTTLE DRAFT!!!
Let's meet the participants, shall we?
1 Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey
1 Bird Dog Cinnamon Whiskey
2 Svedka Orange flavored vodka
2 Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka
2 Rumplemintz
1 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum
1 151 rum
Standard snake draft rules apply, first overall pick goes to the person that brought said mini bottles.
Drafter: With the first selection of the draft I select Bird Dog!
Me: What the fuck, you're taking knock off Fireball with the first pic?
D: Ya, it's a cool name.
Me: I hope it's awful.
D: You're just jealous because you wanted it.
Me: Fine, fuck you. Since I came up with the draft I'm selecting next, I want the Jack.
Drafter 3: Wait we're just seizing power now? There's no democratic way to decide who is next?
Me: (in Bane voice) Take control of your city Gotham…
D3: Fine, fuck you I planned the entire trip, I'll take a sweet tea and a Svedka.
Me: That's not how a snake draft works.
D3: I took control.
D4: SAILOR JERRY!
D5: Wait…what?
At this point the entire draft descends into chaos and everyone grabs what they want. I end with my Jack Daniel's and a Svedka. Yahoo Fantasy Football gives my draft an A-, moving on.
As we load up the gondola, we receive a distressing phone call. Tahoe roommates 7 and 8 missed their flight in Chicago, they won't be joining us. This is a crushing blow to team morale until we realize that since we had stocked up on enough booze and drugs for 8 people, now everyone is just going to get really, really fucked up. Yay.
The second day on the slopes is better because I have my sea legs under me and also because I have a flask of whiskey in my pocket in addition the the mini bottles. Alcohol is great for two reasons, it makes you fearless and it makes falls not hurt as bad. Going for a difficult tree run or a massive jump in the terrain park? Make sure your BAC is at least double the legal limit. I'm sure Sonny Bono's downfall was that he lacked the confidence to hit an epic tree run. Always pre game the slopes kids, safety first.
Before I go on, here is my Heavenly Yelp review:
With majestic views and winding tree runs, Heavenly certainly lives up to its name. That said, the majority of the skiable area will not challenge the intermediate skier. I say that knowing I never challenged the upper bowls but I will assume they are on par with Aspen. Heavenly it an extensive sprawling mountain with a width that spans two states. This is both exciting and cumbersome as much traversing is required to go anywhere. On top of this the mountain isn't very high, if you are looking for a 10 minute top-downer, this isn't the mountain for you. Most people will choose to take the gondola down to base, although one can drive to either Stagecoach or the California Base if they so choose.
The best part of Heavenly is certainly the outrageous views of Lake Tahoe from the top of Sky Express (10,000 feet) From that elevation the entire lake looks no larger than the small pond I grew up on, ride the Ridge all the way down for breathtaking atmosphere and a fun groomed ride. Heavenly is an ideal family trip, I'm sure had I explored a bit more on my own I would have found a bit more to chew on but I was happy to stay with my group and hit the flask while we stuck to the intermediate terrain that makes up the majority of the mountain. With extreme apologies to Northstar, I would rank it the second best mountain in Tahoe behind Squaw.
Heavenly village won't compare to Aspen or even Park City, but make sure to hit the casinos across the state line next door, we won a couple hundred bucks at Hard Rock and skied the next day for free! 4/5 stars, would come ag ain!
I didn't really post that to Yelp, but in case you came here in search of actual feedback…I got you.
Where were we? Drunk on the slopes getting ready for night two? SURE, sounds great!
SO! After two nights of drinking and 2 days of skiing, I was moving a little slow…we eased into the pre game doing something like this…
330p: Apres ski, 1 beer
400: Lay on couch
500: Skip hot tub to lay on couch - 10 milligrams Adderall
505: Ask someone to bring me beer on the couch
510: Initiate new drinking game from couch
530: shotgun a beer on patio
545: 10 milligrams Adderall
600: Fill the flasks - 5 milligrams Adderall
605: Shots
610: Adderall starts to kick in
630: MORE SHOTS
645: We're behind, we need to be drinking faster
650: I'm sober, prep the Molly.
701: Guys we're going to miss fuckbuttons
710: Everyone drink 2 beers as fast as you can and then I'll call the shuttle.
715: Call the shuttle, prep the roadies (4 per)
730: Load shuttle, drink said roadies (3)
745: Unload shuttle at Lake Tahoe Community College with walking beer
752: Get shaken down by undercover cop again…he says tomorrow night he will arrest us.
800: Walk through security with 5 flasks hidden among my 7 layers like it's NOTHING, also someone brought a full liter of Fireball in, these security guards really do not give a fuck.
801: Rave.
I'll be honest with you, I do not remember much of the night. But the fun is in the journey right? I know I came out of a blackout naked in front of our fireplace. According to my recently played on spotify I played an Eric Prydz (the Call on Me guy) song called 'Opus' 24 times. I must have liked that song at the show. I believe fireworks were involved with Kaskade's set, I feel comfortable calling the night a win.
The third day on the slopes is an absolute nightmare. Some hangovers you can't ski off. I tried to drink it off, but I fear I was just delaying the inevitable. We did Sierra day three, here is my Yelp review in the form of a haiku.
Fifty bucks cheaper
and 8 dollar Modello
Sierra, four stars!
I started to aggressively fade during Apres ski, I couldn't even finish my second PBR tall boy. I needed to get in the car and sleep. At my current rate, I would not see midnight. This was quite distressing. I shouldn't have skied today. The plan was to ski two days. If I slept all day or sat in the hot tub everything would have been fine.
God dammit.
Would I make it to midnight? Only time would tell.
By the time I got back to the cabin I was near catatonic, that said, the pre game looked like this.
500: Asleep in bed
515: Asleep in bed
530: Asleep in bed
545: Asleep in bed
600: Asleep in bed
615: Asleep in bed
630: Move to couch, upgraded from SLEEP to NAP
645: Napping on couch
700: Napping on couch
715: Napping on couch
730: Napping on couch
745: Napping on couch
800: Try to wake up, fail.
815: Not going to see Dillon Francis
830: Not going to see Griffin
845: Thank God we're out of molly
900: Ok guys, we can do this. Two shotguns on the patio, 5 shots of fireball, sixty milligrams of adderall, fuck calling the shuttle, we're just going down there and demanding a ride. Bring a full case of beer to sneak in, fuck that undercover cop. God damn it's fucking cold out tonight, no Pikachu suit for me. Alright, you guys ready to do this? Let's go.
945p: I've got no more than two hours and 16 minutes of fake energy for you WhatSoNot…MELT MY FACE,
946: Rave.
I actually remember stuff from NYE! I didn't black out like a fucking novice. Yay me! The dj played songs! We snuck into VIP. There were definitely fireworks. CAN CONFIRM. People hugged and kissed at New Year's, the Snowglobe app sent me a bunch of Push notifications telling me it loved me. We went to an after party in the artist green room area. Lil' Dicky was blacked TF out acting a fool. It was awesome! We went back to our cabin and played that stupid Eric Prydz song 35 more times before going to bed. I feel pretty good. I'm not going to be hungover at all tomorrow!
!
!
!
Wrong!
There were plans for New Year's day. Sledding? Make breakfast? Go to the casino and put it all on black?
The pain I felt when I woke up Friday morning I would equate to what it feels like to go through heroin withdrawal. I didn't have a headache, I had a fever. I had a body that rejected food and water. I was so dehydrated that I was incapable of nausea. All I could do was lie by the fire under a bunch of blankets and shiver and lightly weep. Every 20 minutes or so someone would bring me water and offer me something. This was past the point of xanax or vicodin or even Advil. This is the part where you are so fucked up that you think putting anything else in your body may prove fatal, this is STRUNG out. This is what rock stars write songs about, conversely this is also what they die of. What Iowa felt like in the first quarter of the Rose Bowl? That was a sexual assault. What I felt on the first? That was a genocide.
But I survived. And it is exactly what I needed going into sober January. I'm quite sure I won't feel the same until at least the 10th. Much like last year at Snowglobe, a week of partying and physical activity is just unsustainable. Last year I partied myself to illness, this time merely alcohol poisoning.
We watched 4 movies that day (Mad Max, Spectre, Get Hard, Focus) and then on day two of my hangover I meekly packed and loaded into the car for the 8 hour ride home punctuated by a 20 minute stop in at Mahogany Smoked Meats for some bomb ass beef jerky (5 stars)
When we finally piled out of the overcrowded MDX in Venice at 8pm I thought my adventure was over, but I would then spend 6 hours with my roommate in the ER of the Marina Del Rey Hospital (zero stars, seriously if your options are bleeding out or going there, welcome death with open arms)
Sunday I would spend the afternoon at Terranea with my Iowa cousins and today I would come into work at 5am only to display flu like symptoms caused by substance abuse four days ago.
And here we are…I have a lingering headache, I still have EDM bass rumbling in my ears and I'm not positive I didn't contract AIDS from patient room 11 at the MDR hospital. 27 more days without alcohol, 27 more days trying to start things off on the right foot this year. Maybe I'll get jacked, maybe I'll eat a bit healthier. Maybe I'll just watch a ton of Netflix and become a hermit.
Happy New Year from this degenerate and my merry band of hooligans to you and yours. 2016 might be great, it might be shitty, but it will certainly be an adventure. Make yours count.
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