Marry Fuck Kill

And then there were 11…

All it took was a fairly lame Vegas trip to get there. I mean we had four dates and the most dramatic thing was a fairly sensitive twin killing? He got her mother's blessing before doing it, it was almost adorable? It was like the interaction an owner has with his FIV positive cat before putting it down.

It was a boring episode. Haley can now resume her career in prostitution. Rachel can go find a job. Amber can go marry an ugly Russian man and Olivia…Jesus someone needs to kill Olivia with fire.

How tf did they go to Vegas and NOT let the girls get wildly drunk at a Calvin Harris show. They could have at least done some Cirque De Solei shit. BUT NO. We got a fucking helicopter ride, a neon museum and a god damn talent show.

Was anyone else extremely uncomfortable during the talent show? You couldn't think what you would do, right? BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TALENT. I could just see the look of horror in their eyes. I can take two cocks in my ass, does that count? No, no it doesn't. I had the same thought. I could bang a line much better than Maty Mauk. I can probably shotgun 5 beers in a row. Unfortunately, I do not know if these are ABC approved talents. I probably would have ended up freestyle rapping. There is nothing worse than a white person freestyle rapping.

Regardless, I wouldn't have thrown a fake panic attack at the end. I really expected more from Olivia. The panic attack is SO over at this point. Fake a stroke or a seizure, you have to keep upping the ante.

I thought a fun way to frame this week would be to play a little MFK with the remaining contestants. I'll be honest, it's going to be bloody.

KILL

Olivia- OH GOD KILL IT! I really hope when this is all over we find out that Olivia was just playing the heel to further her #brand. But she is such a conniving cunt I find myself screaming at the TV whenever she is on. She needs to be killed off next season or I may stop watching the show, I just can't even. I can see the agony on Ben's face every time he gives her a rose and know that there is a producer in his ear saying 'THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED BEN. YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO SELL SOFTWARE AGAIN. YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL TO ME!"

Jubilee- I just wrote some really mean quasi-race baity things about Jubilee. Then I took a long walk, cooled down and realized it wasn't worth the potential fall out. Good for me. I will say this though, anyone that says they like Jubilee 'because she's so real' probably loves to say Christian McAffrey has a high motor. There are going to be so many hot take think pieces about why Jubilee should be the next Bachelorette. The truth is ABC should totally cast her as The Bachelorette because it would be good for business, just like casting Dr. Dre as Jack Bauer will be fortuitous for Fox. White people don't watch network TV anymore. My employment is proof of this.

Caila- Everyone loves Caila. I do not. Caila reminds me of a chick my buddy fucked at Coachella. She was fun for one night when we were all rolling on molly, but then she didn't leave in the morning. In fact we ended up having to drop this girl off in Palm Desert on the way back to LA. We got there only to discover that she was locked out of the house. She looked at us like she wanted us to invite her back to LA. This is not the OC pilot we do not take inland empire trash home with us. So we left. Anyway, she was Asian too. I'm ready for this yellow fever phase to pass.

FUCK

Becca- Becca, I love you but I'm starting to think it just isn't meant to be. Over two seasons I have given her every benefit of the doubt, but I'm starting to think she may just be a bit dull. I love last night (btw officiating weddings is the worst date in the history of the bachelor) when Ben was like 'well I know you don't…but I fuck. How do you feel about it?' That said Becca is still SO hot and I would love to have my Twitter bio be 'I deflowered Becca.'

Emily- If there was any doubt Emily and Haley are strippers it was cleared up last night when we found out they grew up in a Vegas track house with a single mom. It also looked like maybe they still lived there? No wonder these two are 'trying to get married.' This was a scene straight out of The Goldfinch. That said, things I have not done: Fuck a twin. Things I would like to do: Fuck a twin.

Amanda- One of my buddies has a heroic father that retired at age 50. He has spent the last 15 years sitting in the basement drinking Miller Lites and watching White Sox games. In college he visited us a few times and gave me sage advice that I will never forget. Never date a woman with baggage and always marry up. Amanda is a strong 0 for 2. But I am kinda into that blonde ombre thing she's got going. Plus it would be nice to know if children actually ruin a vagina.

Jennifer- Is Jennifer a sneaky contender for Bachelorette? She's pretty mellow. When Olivia interrupted her date with Ben she just kinda rolled her eyes "whatever, over it." She hasn't had a ton of screen time but she seems pretty likable when she is on camera. I feel like if anyone would have hatched a plan to sneak out to Wet Republic while Ben was on his date with Jojo, Jennifer would have been in.

Lauren H- The Lauren H bit with the puppet was pretty good! She showed some personality and was kinda funny! Definitely runner-up on the group date. Here's the deal, Lauren H is going to be the first girl to get a solo and not a rose next week. They ruined it in the trailer. Ben is going to say something about how he sees their relationship as one of 'friendship.' It's a shame Ben will never get the chance to titty fuck those CANNONS.

Marry

Leah- There is an old saying that 'time heels all wounds.' This is why I am adept at sleeping with my ex-girlfriends and why I have now moved Leah into marriage territory. Sure, she hasn't really done anything memorable since her ill-fated football hike in the premiere episode, but she also hasn't embarrassed herself. Leah is just hanging around being hot. Meanwhile IRL she is all over Instagram just loving the Broncos. I like girls that like sports. Leah seems like a homie. I feel like I could come home on a Friday night after a hellish night at work and she would take one look at me and say "is it a Fireball night?" I would just nod excitedly as she grabbed my favorite script and chopped me a line. This is all I really want in life.

Lauren B- Lauren B is Shailene Woodley and I am Miles Teller. Lauren B is a good natured person with a heart of gold and I am a degenerate, but for some reason it just works…at least in the romantic comedy version. Something about her look makes me want to clean up my ways and travel the world with her. But instead of using her frequent flier miles to go to Yacht Week and bong vodka until I'm vomiting out of my nose; I want to go do a romantic getaway to Tuscany or something. I want to lay in bed all day. IN THEORY it works, but it's only a matter of time before I fuck it all up.

Jojo- I mean she's a total babe, actually has her own career hopes and dreams…and she shares the name of my first dog. It was always going to be Jojo. Somehow she gets the weakest dates but always crushes it when she's with Ben. Jojo is the somewhat attainable girl next door and I think I'm falling in love with her. I'm still not a huge fan of her unicorn head entrance, but after I saw the UnREAL pilot last night, I'm willing to assume that was the work of a diabolical producer. If Lauren B or Leah take the win, Jojo is your 2016 Bachelorette and by the way, I just submitted my paperwork to appear as well. Do your worst Shiri Appleby, try to take me down and I'll pull a Kylo Ren.