It Won't End Well

They will all end up addicted to drugs. All of them.

Once upon a time, The Bachelor may have been a bunch of chicks 'looking for love.' It is no longer about finding a mate, most of them don't even fake it anymore. It's about marketing a #brand and parlaying it into a lucrative reality star career. Nine girls from Chris' season made it to Bachelor in Paradise last year. That means of the 20 remaining women, roughly half stand a good chance at a second opportunity for fame this summer.

Beyond that, any woman that makes it past a couple episodes this season will have small endorsement deals on Instagram. 'OMG LUVIN my LYFE TEA this A.M. #risengrind" This may sicken you, but it will happen…for a while at least. Because of this promise, a bunch of drunken whores will go head to head in the thunderdome competing for screen time and a somewhat relevant D-list celebrity that will carry a shelf life of 18 months.

But then it will be gone. Then the offers will dry up, the appearances on Bachelor after-shows will wane. Rich guys in Vegas won't even recognize them anymore. REALITY STAR ---> paid bar appearances ---> bottle rat, such is the life cycle of a twenty something woman on the Bachelor.

I once shot a pilot with a former playboy bunny. I saw her making this weird video with her feet and I asked her about it. "It's a fetish video. No one pays to see me naked anymore, I'm too old. But I can still make a couple hundred dollars a minute doing foot stuff." She was 24.

It's going to get bad.

Really bad.

All 20 of the remaining contestants on Ben Higgins' season of The Bachelor will be addicted to a drug within the year. Maybe they'll pick up a meth addiction when they visit Indiana for the hometown date. Maybe someone will pick up a Xanax habit trying to block out Lace's incessant whining. All I can do my friends is project...

Amanda- Amanda is an esthetician, which is essentially a vagina waxer. There is a vagina waxer that lives above me and she is constantly cranky. It's probably because she has to stare at unkempt vaginas and assholes all day long. This would probably make me unpleasant as well. In addition to dealing with your disgusting bush, Amanda also has TWO kids at age 25. If she doesn't kill herself within a year, I will be surprised. But if she does survive, it will be due to in large part to her choking down 80 mg of Lexipro every day.

Amber- Amber is a homie. She has already done The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise, so this is already her third cycle. She is a bartender from Chicago that loves to travel and hates paying bills. It appears that she gives zero fucks about growing up and is happy to spend her early adulthood dancing through life until she eventually marries up. She's essentially me. There is no way this chick doesn't already have a HEALTHY cocaine habit. In fact, I didn't see her much in episode 1. Check out for the special edition DVD for the bathroom key bump outtakes.

Becca- I love Becca. I wanted her to win last season and I want her to win this season. Becca also gives me a bit of a serial killer vibe. She lives alone in San Diego, has never dated a guy and has never seen a dick. This disturbs me. Maybe Becca is extremely naive and a bit of a late bloomer or maybe she's a loose cannon just waiting to snap. Whatever the case may be, I would not be surprised at all to see Zyprexa in her near future.

Cailia- Omg Caila is a software engineer too! Just like Ben! Isn't that crazy? No, it's not. Shitty sales jobs account for about 90% of first jobs out of college. Cailia seems like one of those chicks that you would meet on an airplane and become irrationally excited when she found out your astrological sign. She will point out that Mercury is in retrograde and that's why you got a flat tire on the way to the airport. Caila is going far this season and I don't know how I feel about it. One thing is for sure though, she smokes…a lot. Someone will have a story this time next year, 'I hit a vape pen with Caila at Burning Man.'

Emily- Name: Emily. Job: Twin. Legit, everyone else (well not everyone) at least has a job listed. Emily and her sister are just twins. They are also twins desperately trying to get reality famous. Emily and her sister are bottle girls in Vegas. They tried out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader squad. They tried to be Laker Girls. No way Emily and her sister haven't taken the same dick at the same time before. I bet they think it's hot. I bet they got paid. Sure they do cocaine but what she really likes to do when she closes out all her checks at XS is about 5 dabs of molly out of a plastic bag right before Skrillex plays his closer.

Haley- Name: Haley. Job: Emily's sister. Same as above, but I'd like to focus on her greatest achievement to date, 'semi-finalist on Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders' I was almost selected for Real World Haley and now I'm a shitty assistant typing on a personal blog about how you undoubtedly go into the desert on weekends and roll DMT.

Jackie- I don't remember a fucking thing about Jackie. It says she is a gerentologist. That is someone who studies old people. The craziest thing she has ever done? Paragliding in the Alps. Eh, I went to the Alps, a lot of people went paragliding, it wasn't that crazy. Jackie WANTS you to think that she's fun and adventurous, but I secretly think that she is just kind of a snoozefest that wakes up every morning, runs 5 miles and then pops about 40 mg of Adderall so she won't have to eat again the rest of the day.

Jami- Jami looks like a slightly blacker version of Amber. She is also a bartender and she happens to be this season's token Canadian. Jami's opening line to Ben was "I know your ex-girlfriend." Interesting choice Jami. Might want to keep that in your back pocket! Then when you're in bed and you bite his nipple just before climax he will think that was all you, not some hot tip you picked up from Kaitlyn. THAT IS A CONTESTANT THAT KNOWS HOW TO ADVANCE. Anyway Jami is going to put that green card to work when this is all over, spending a lot of time in J tree tripping sack on shrooms.

Jennifer- Jennifer lists the person she would most like to meet as Eric Decker, her favorite movie as Something Borrowed and her dream crime is to tan nude on a beach. I asked my feminist coworker to pick her favorite candidate purely on looks and occupation and she picked Jennifer because she is a 'small business owner.' Finding out that she was the most basic bitch in the house was SUCH sweet satisfaction for me. Anyway you know what basic bitches do? They take a fuck ton of benzos before bed so they can sleep. Careful Jennifer, don't go full Brittany Murphy on us.

Jojo - THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY JOJO DOESN'T LOVE ACID!!! She came out of the limo in a unicorn head, she flips houses and also thinks it is extremely impressive that she can make quesadillas and fold her tongue in half. This chick has third place and the next Bachelorette written ALL over her. She says she loves T Swift too. OMG, it's going to happen. She is going to be the next Bachelorette and join Taylor's #squad.

Jubilee - I'm about to make some extremely hasty generalizations really quick that will border on racism. Jubilee joined the Army at 18 and did 5 years of active duty. Is it safe to assume a hot chick from Florida that goes armed forces straight out of high school is poor? No, it's not just because she's black. Any chick that joins the army at 18 is poor. If they are trying to save the world they go to West Point. Well guess what, Jubilee is going to go 7 weeks and then get cut. Then she will be getting paid thousands of dollars in cash to go promote shit at horrible Hollywood clubs. You know what is going to happen next? PCP.

Lace- Jesus. Fucking. Christ. My complaint with the movie Trainwreck was that Amy Schumer was not enough of a train wreck. She had sex with like 2 guys and smoked pot at a funeral. That's a Tuesday for most of the people I know. Now Lace? Lace blacked out, got a rose and THEN threw a tantrum. That is next level sociopath right there. I got what I wanted but not HOW I WANTED IT! I just watched this horrifying documentary called Cape Cod: Heroin. It is about attractive rich white kids that get addicted to and die from heroin. Season 2 will star Lace.

LB- I like LB. She is a sorority girl, has a dumb sorority girl job (fashion buyer LOL) and she loves the movie The Parent Trap. (I'm assuming she is talking Lindsay Lohan version) I wish LB had better tits, but hey, skinny, big tits, pretty face: pick two, right? Oh God, I'm horrible. Moving on. I think LB will go the furthest of any Lauren. Nicknames are a good sign. In fact LB is my projected winner. But the relationship won't last. Ben is too timid and LB will get swept up in the LA lifestyle a little too much. She will have an Oxy guy. She'll be on celebrity rehab by 2017.

Lauren B- The flight attendant! My dream girl! What I would do for a lifetime supply of companion passes. Lauren B is gorgeous, but I bet the drain of dealing with people all day gets to her sometimes. One time my friend puked in the aisle of a plane on a transatlantic flight. The flight attendant came to tell me this and I kind of stared blankly at her, unsure how to react. Then I saw the realization on her face that I didn't give a fuck and was going to go back to sleep while she cleaned it up. Being a flight attendant is a messy job and when Lauren gets back to her one bedroom apartment in Marina Del Rey she is going straight into a K-Hole.

Lauren H- Lauren H is a perfectly fine girl. She's a kindergarten teacher. I don't project her going very far, in fact she might be gone next week. Having not made much of an impression, she will slouch back to Michigan and watch the rest of the show thinking about what could have been? "Should I have shown Ben my awesome tits?" Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. The invites to Bachelor in Paradise will come and go, maybe hers got lost in the male? She'll call her agent, the agent will be 'busy.' Lauren will start taking long baths every night that are accompanied by 2, 3, 7 glasses of wine. Noisy kindergarteners can be annoying with a headache. That my friends, is a recipe for a Vicodin addiction.

Leah- Oh Leah. Leah, you're hot and you're cool, but you just activated my 'The Office' panic button and I will never look at you the same. Anyone that ever watched 'The Office' knows it could often times be a painfully awkward show full of characters embarrassing themselves. I cannot handle this type of entertainment. It sends me running from a room covering my eyes and plugging my ears. When Leah bent over and hiked that football to Ben I thought I was going to die from embarrassment. My roommate thought I was having a stroke. It was SO SO horrible. Leah looks like an otherwise strong contestant, but she will never live down this one small terrible choice. It will give her PTSD I imagine and she will live out the rest of her days on a powerful cocktail of Zoloft and Paxil.

Mandi- On paper Mandi is perfect, seriously look at her profile She is a hard drinking dentist from Portland who loves EDM and has not a care in the world. She has probably done every aforementioned drug on this list. And maybe it's because I used to date a dentist and she gave me oral exams in bed, but I didn't think that thing was THAT weird. But the fucking rose hat was just unacceptable. Every time they showed her on camera I was unable to avert my eyes, it was like watching two cars collide head on. Mandi is going to be treated to an early exit where she can feel free to rave on into the sunset, using GHB…on herself. Because that's the shit you do when molly and led don't pack enough of a punch.

Olivia- Olivia is the new Britt. She will be the leader in the clubhouse until about 2/3 the way through the season. Then all the girls will turn on her, there will be one big blow up and she will be gone. Then Olivia will be selected as the next Bachelorette PSYCH they'll chose someone else in the first episode. It will be devastating. Olivia will do one season of Bachelor in Paradise and it won't go well, then she'll drag her ass sad and penniless back to Austin with her newfound meth addiction. Yay Olivia!

Rachel- Ah! Rachel the unemployed degenerate! A girl after my own heart! While every other person at least pretends to have had a career in a former life, Rachel rolls in on her hover board not giving a fuuuuuuuck. If you could be an animal, what would you be? A COOKIE MONSTER! My god, book this chick on Bachelor in Paradise for the next 10 seasons. Anyway, Rachel will go to the final 2 with LB (yes a guy that is CLEARLY into blondes will decide between two brunettes for the final rose) and she will lose. She will not care that much, because she will be up to her neck in shitty instagram endorsement deals…oh and Speed. Lots and lots of speed.

Samantha- Sam, quit now. You still have a chance at a normal life. When you told Ben that you found out in the limousine ride over that you had passed the bar (this was obviously a lie) I was genuinely happy for you. You have not embarrassed yourself yet. You could be quietly dismissed this week, wish him well and just have a fun story 10 years from now. But you won't. You'll stick around long enough to embarrass yourself. You'll go on BiP and physically assault someone or some shit. You will be disbarred. You will start running with a bad crowd and then eventually you will get hooked on lean aka  sizzurp aka codeine and promethazine….just another case of a small town lawyer that flew too close to the sun.

Shushanna- She speaks English right? That's the big episode 3 reveal? 'Welcome to Bachelor after party live I'm Chris Harrison, let's talk about tonight't big bomb shell, SHE SPEAKS ENGLISH? All that and some washed up contestants from former seasons, NEXT!" Shushanna won't be much use once that plot line has run its course. She'll then be deported to Moscow where she can listen to all the Russian Deep House that she wants…and take a fuck ton of Quaaludes (which you can still acquire with ease in Russia. True story, I had a buddy once ask me if I wanted to go to St. Petersburg. I asked why, his response was one word. 'Ludes.)

So there you have it, good luck my little Bachelor babies. I'm actually pulling for each and every one of you to have a fairytale ending on a small shitty Indiana lake with Ben in Warsaw, Indiana. (Side note to all of the people saying 'holy shit Ben's parents are RICH!!! The going rate for a lake house in Northern Indiana is probably about $85,000) I can't wait to watch this season, join me on this bitchy journey and let's watch as the tears of 20something narcissists flood the world.