Monday, June 12, 2017

Ranking Westeros


There is a new Ringer podcast out called Binge Mode. Each episode covers one episode of Game of Thrones. As there are 60 episodes of the show, this is a 30 hour commitment, and one of several ways to kill some time before season 7 premieres on July 16th.

Unfortunately only 13 episodes of our beloved series remain before the show in its current incarnation is done forever. (Assuredly there will be sequels, prequels and Star Wars-esque spin-offs until the end of time. HBO isn't doing great right now and this is their most valuable IP)

I thought today I would take a look back and rank the Great Houses of Westeros. For the purpose of this exercise, the following houses will be considered:
- Stark, rulers of the North
- Tully, Riverlands
- Arryn, The Vale
- Lannisters, The Westerlands
- Baratheon, The Stormlands
- Tyrell, The Reach
- Martell, Dorne
- Greyjoy, Pike
- Targaryen, uhhh Mereen?

Technically house Baratheon is extinct, but I'm not convinced that there is not still a scenario in which Gendry is legitimized or Stannis is still alive.

The following criteria will be considered in determining the rankings...

- Maximum power accumulation.
Ya, Dorne is chill af and super cool on LGBT issues, but as an isolated principality far from King's Landing, it's unlikely a King will be Dornish in the immediate future.

- Quality of Life
Conversely, life as a Stark is essentially life on The North Pole. Imagine going multiple years without wearing a swimsuit. (Though with all your fur coats you could easily pack on a few extra pounds if we're being honest)

- Relative Safety
Life at Highgarden might not be too exciting, but sometimes that's a major asset.

-Quality of Family
I suppose House Baratheon will get a N/A in this category.

-Intangibles
How are your underhouses? Does your army kick ass? Do you have dragons? Is Bravos close enough for casual vacations?

Each category will be scored out of 10 and then summed up for a score out of 50. Good luck and Valor morghulis!

9. House Greyjoy
MPA: 3
QoL: 2
RS: 6
QoF: 3
I: 2
Total: 16

According to a Quora article I just read, the Iron Islands aren't even technically one of the seven kingdoms, likely because they're just so shitty and no one would want to conquer them. Honestly, when Balon's Rebellion was crushed, the real winner was Theon, who got to grow up in the North. I have long thought that waterfront living and/or island living, would be an aspirational lifestyle, the plight of house Greyjoy pretty much destroys this myth.

Pyke is situated on a rock where it always rains and has choppy seas. Balon was the weakest link in the war of the five kings and Theon doesn't have a penis anymore. To be hair, Yara is a badass lesbian that I would love to party with, and Euron Greyjoy seems to be the last challenger in play for the iron throne. Other than that, it's a pretty worthless family. I gave a couple courtesy points out of respect to the rumor that Euron actually does have the dragon horn (a magical horn that controls dragons) but honestly, I think his likely alliance with Cersei will be short lived. Decent safety score though for Greyjoys, out of the four Greyjoys we've met in this series, three are still alive. Hilarious that the biggest snake of the series, dickless Theon, may survive to the end.

8. House Baratheon
MPA: 9
QoL: 4
RS: 1
QoF: 0
I: 4
Total: 18

House Baratheon narrowly avoids the basement based almost entirely on the fact that the past 3 kings have been 'Baratheons.' Even though we know that not to be the case, the official record does in fact reflect that. Quality of life is tricky because if you're Robert whoring around in King's Landing you're definitely having a better time than Renly who is busy having sex with Iron Fist and getting stabbed by smoke dragons in Storm's End. Then again, they're all dead, so what does it matter?

I gave a few intangible points to the fact that they won a major war and apparently Robert could really fuck people up with his war hammer, also of all the people in the universe of GoT, a young Robert was probably the best hang. Gendry seems to be kind of a homie too and I am shipping the FUCK out of he and Arya. PRAISE GENDARYA!!!!

7. House Tully
MPA: 5
QoL:3
RS: 4
QoF: 2
I:5
Total: 19

What a nothingburger of a house. House Tully is like the Mar Vista of Westeros. It's fine I guess. There are swamps and stuff. I suppose Kat was relatively close to becoming the most powerful women in Westeros, but instead her little snowflake of a son fucked that all up and got half her family eviscerated at the Red Wedding. That said, the Tullys are fairly resilient (somehow Edmure is still alive) and the Blackfish was kinda dope.  

I will give house Tully this though, they have two major bookcentric intangibles that haven't popped up in the show yet. First, Lady Stoneheart (a zombified Kat Tully) is systematically destroying all enemies of the Starks and Tullys. Second, Nymeria, Arya's direwolf (Arya being half Tully) has taken to leading a pack of wolves in the Riverlands, also wrecking shit. But when the two best things going for you are a wolf and a zombie you have to try harder.

6. House Arryn
MPA: 5
QoL: 4
RS: 8
QoF: -1
I: 4
Total: 20

Ok, we'll start with the good. Fans of an isolationist foreign policy would love House Arryn. For most of the series, they just chill in the mountains and go about their business. I like the mountains, and if I was a LORD in the mountains? I would likely be content to drink wine and throw my enemies through the moon door. That said that is essentially ALL they have going for them (outside of a rumored military that is dope af)

Let's talk about the bad. Lysa Arryn: Awful. Robin Arryn: Worse. The dude breast fed until he was like 12 years old. Jon Arryn was allegedly a fairly cool dude before the events of the series, but he allowed himself to be murdered by his wife and raised a shithead that breastfed into his pre teens. I mean, they kinda have Littlefinger who is somewhat cool? But Really the only reason to aspire to be an Arryn is to cut yourself off from the world and hope not to die.

5. House Stark
MPA: 9
QoL: 3
RS: 1
QoF: 5
I: 5
Total: 23

Possibly a controversial choice putting the Gryffindors of ASOIAF all the way down at number five but let's look at the facts. Ned Stark: Beheaded. Dead. Kat Tully. Deadish. Robb and Rickon: Full of Arrows. Dead. Sansa: Raped. Bran: Paraplegic. NOT GREAT. On the positive side, Arya is possibly the coolest character on the show, Bran can morph into animals and Jon (who is not really a Stark) can come back from the dead.

I think the most likely scenario for the end of the show is Jon co-ruling with Dany, so points for that, and of course we LIKE the Starks, but as Cersei Lannister famously said in season one "In the game of thrones you either win or you die." And while Jon is on a bit of a hot streak, the rest of the family has been catching L's for quite a few seasons now.

4. House Tyrell
MPA: 2
QoL: 8
RS: 8
QoF: 7
I: 2
Total: 27

Being from House Tyrell is like being a trust fund kid from Indiana. Your life will be relatively easy, but of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. You have money, you have a summer house on Lake Geneva! Your parents paid for lots of private lessons and now you're pretty good at sword fighting! Wait, I'm mixing metaphors now, let's reset.

All the bad stuff that happened to the Tyrells happened because they left Highgarden. Natalie Dormer, who clearly didn't learn her lesson after portraying Anne Boleyn in the Tudors, wanted it all. She's the rich Indiana girl trying to move to Los Angeles to be an actress in this scenario, only to wash out and turn into a junkie or something. Anyway, a lot of the Tyrells went down when Cersei obliterated King's Landing, but you know who remains? Lady Olenna, and she was a Bond Girl. That's gotta count for something.

3. House Lannister
MPA: 10
QoL: 6
RS: 3
QoF: 6
I: 3
Total: 28 

This is a tough one, because the Lannisters used to be rich and powerful, but now they're just kind of sad. Somehow a sister-fucking weirdo that attempted to murder a child has become the most charismatic character on the series, and his twin sister currently sits on the iron throne after firebombing a city and murdering almost every person she knows. So that's good? The Lannisters are certainly ruthless and Tyrion provides some of the best military strategy on the show.

Conversely, the Lannisters are also quite divided. Cersei has always hated her younger brother Tyrion, while also loving Jamie, who likes Tyrion creating some weird power struggle. Tyrion currently supports a Targaryen, Jamie just watched his sister burn down the capital and now we start to wonder if he will become a Kingslayer AND a Queenslayer. Honestly though, Tyrion was never going to finish lower than third, even if his family is in shambles.

2. House Targaryen
MPA: 10
QoL: 3
RS: 3
QoF: 3
I: 10
Total: 29

On it's face, it seems to be pretty shitty to be a Targaryen in today's Game of Thrones universe. Dany has essentially been wandering around deserts and slave cities for the entire run of the series and people are always trying to kill her. Before that she had a brother that got a near sexual pleasure out of whoring her out to mean aboriginal types only to watch him be murdered with liquid gold. She also had to deal with the death of her husband, a stillborn child, a traitorous Jorah and TWO different Daarios. (Note both Daarios > DeMario who murdered Bachelor in Paradise)

But dragons. Despite overwhelming attempts on her life, the Unburned one can take out entire villages with the snap of a finger. Add to that some strategic alliances she has made with folks such as Tyrion and Yara Greyjoy, it's quite easy to see a path in which she ends up on the Iron throne...co-ruling with her nephew? I dunno in the GoT universe that wouldn't even be like a top 10 weird thing.

1. House Martell
MPA: 3
QoL: 10
RS: 7
QoF: 7
I: 4
Total: 30

Welcome to Dorne bitches AKA VENICE BEACHSTEROS. You want to bang dudes? You want to bang chicks? You want to bang chicks AND dudes? Have kids without getting married? Go for it. We down south are chill AF. Sunspear is doper than a Central Coast high school with outdoor lockers. Water features? Got 'em. Does the wine flow? Constantly. Women can be in power and OH BY THE WAY, they are all absolutely gorgeous.

I will concede that the Red Viper had an unfortunate end due to hubris and while Prince Trystane and Prince Doran may have reached unfortunate ends, sometimes for the sake of progress one has to get their hands a little dirty. I am confident that moving forward, a Dorne run by the Sand Snakes is a fun place to be. Like a Vegas that's less expensive and doesn't induce four day hangovers. It's not a place for the ambitious, but look where ambition gets you in Westeros. Dead. You know who survives in Westeros? Sex pirates! Sex pirates and Arya. Arya is possibly the only person that I am positive will survive the show because she has no ambition past personal revenge. In fact, perhaps the overarching theme of Game of Thrones has been an allegory for the inverse relationship between happiness and effort. DB Wiess and David Benioff just want us to be stoners that don't bite off more than we can chew.

So 30 out of 50 won it huh? That's a 60% a D- if you will. Barely passing! I think my main takeaway after this exercise is that I would never in a million years want to live in Westeros, or Essos for that matter. A set visit to Croatia? Sure! But would I want to actively participate in this world, the way I often fantasized about living in Harry Potter's London?

No. FUCK no! If I'm certain of one thing after writing this is that I would rather a million times be a Hufflepuff than a Martell.

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