Monday, June 26, 2017

THOT's Guide to West LA


I'm not quite sure when the term THOT entered the general lexicon, but I'm sure it was created by a black teenager and quickly stolen by white kids in their late 20's and immediately made uncool. To be honest, I'm not even sure what a THOT is. Urban Dictionary alerts me that it technically stands for 'that ho over there' and is indicative of a woman of loose morals. However, for the purpose of this article I'm going to use a definition as such: a young woman that doesn't go to brunch because she's hungry, nor because she wants to get drunk, but because she wants to be seen by people and post a lot of social content at aforementioned brunch.

That seems pretty thotty right? For all intents and purposes a thot is a female douche bag. This article could just as easily be titled Douche Bag's guide to West LA and still work. I think.

The prime area for thottiness seems to be hyper-localized in Santa Monica. Don't get me wrong, I love certain parts of Santa Monica: Bay Cities, the reclining chairs at AMC 7, drinking at Big Dean's after a pier concert. The city has a lot to offer, BUT it also happens to have the seven douchiest bars in all of LA...well at least west of the 405. I don't know if it's because the residents are slightly wealthier than their Venice and Brentwood neighbors or if liquor licenses are cheaper to acquire in the city of Santa Monica than Los Angeles, but what follows will be a detailed guide on exactly what goes down at these 7 bars on a given night. For most of you I imagine this guide will be a warning. But if you are a proud THOT/douchebag well then I suppose you're welcome.

1. Buffalo Club

Hot night: Friday

General Dimensions: Rougly 6,400 square foot indoor/outdoor space with lots of tables, with one long bar along the west wall. Small dance floor along the east wall with DJ playing top 40/dance music.

Vibe: Table lording, dancing

Buffalo Club really tests the hypothesis on 'can a business be successful generating revenue only one night a week?' I'm sure Buffalo club is open nights other than Friday, I've just never heard of anyone going. Technically they have a a kitchen, so I suppose they may do some dinner business, but essentially Buffalo Club is like that pajama party in London called Church. Except at Buffalo Club you're surrounded by assholes that went to Crossroads leering down from their raised tables at the peasants on the dance floor. Which isn't a terrible thing I guess?

Look if you're going to Buffalo Club, it's because you're going with a big group. Some one got promoted, or fired or is leaving LA or got to LA or just remembered that they have a fat ass trust fund and wanted to throw some money around. And when you get 30 friends drinking Belvedere straight from the bottle and invade the dance floor, it's generally a good time, especially if the outdoor area isn't shut down for some sort of private event. Sure the cover is 30 bucks for guys and you probably haven't paid that much since a foam party in Panama City Beach in 2007 but whatever, the chicks are hot, drinking heavily and you are generally allowed to dance on tables there. True story, if you are dancing on a table with a chick, there is an 89% chance she will go home with you. She's bout that #THOTlife

2. 3110

Hot Night: Saturday

General Dimensions: Narrow but long indoor area with a front bar near the entrance, a circle bar toward the back, an outdoor patio runs adjacent to the bar on the east side, a dance floor is in the back with a dj.

Vibe: Daytime: Brunch and standing around talking Night: Table Lording (front) Dancing (back)

Holy shit, did you know 3110 was still around? Me neither! 3110 was the place to be in like 2013 but then Bungalow opened and that was a wrap, but apparently they have staged a comeback of sorts. 3110 also hilariously got in legal trouble with the city by trying to claim they were a restaurant when they applied for their liquor license. This is the same defense I used with my dad when he found out 90% of my money was going to a place called Kilroy's in college. The difference between my dad though and the city of Santa Monica is that SaMo follows up on these kinds of things. When it was revealed that 98% of the receipts at 3110 were alcohol, not food, they were forced to shut down their dance floor.

But alas, like a phoenix rising from the ashes 3110 has bounced back to become sort of a watered down alternative to Bungalow. They do bottomless brunch, so if you have an annoying friend visiting from New York who won't stop talking about their amazing brunch scene perhaps you can take them to 3110 and they will shut the fuck up. At night there is a pretty obvious split between the bottle crowd and the 'I want to make out with someone on the dance floor' crowd, there is also a load bearing pole in the middle of the dance floor that I use sometimes for lumbar support if I've gone two or three songs without a break (that tip is free) but possibly the best part of 3110 is that it's the only bar on this list that isn't horribly isolated. It's on Main Street in a major bar district. If it sucks you can bail to 15 other places nearby, though if you're here for the low grade socialites, you might just have to stay.

True story, my friend Jordan was at 3110 Saturday afternoon and say a girl take a selfie and then geotag herself at Bungalow (an objectively better bar) the thirst is real yo.

3. Bungalow

Hot night: Every night

General Dimensions: Enormous indoor/outdoor space that feels like a country club run over with recent USC grads. Three main areas Outdoor, Clubhouse and Garden.

Vibe: Umm, a giant wedding with no dance floor? Bungalow famously plays strictly Beatles music to dissuade minorities from coming. Table Lording, Standing around and talking...lockable single bathrooms (you know what that means)

On its face Bungalow seems like a slam dunk, put a big ass bar for rich kids outside the nicest hotel in Santa Monica. But in practice you get an overcrowded clusterfuck with a 2 hour line full of fuckboys of every color under the rainbow. It truly is the worst place on Earth and I say that as a person who generally got to skip the line and drink for free (my roommate bartended there) Four years in, I'm still not sure what the goal of Bungalow is. Sure, you can drop a couple grand on a table, play billiards or Ping Pong, but the vast majority of people just stand around and talk.

I guess the goal is to take pictures. People that come into town ask about Bungalow like it is the mecca of a religious pilgrimage, but to be honest, it's just a bar where lots of pretty people hang out. You'll hear lots of girls talk about the time they saw 48 year old Owen Wilson there. I mean I guess that's cool, but if we're being real he was the worst part of the Royal Tenenbaums. I'm probably going about this wrong though, THOTS go to Bungalow because they think they are going to meet a rich guy who is going to sweep them off their feet, drive them to Malibu in a Tesla and they will live happily ever after. In practice, you're more likely to find a back up offensive lineman for the Chargers who won't even give you the requisite Jeter gift basket the next morning, maybe the herpes though.

4. 41 Ocean

Hot Night: Thursday, Saturday

General Dimensions: Several smallish rooms with bars and an outdoor patio that runs along the south end.

Vibe: The website says 'clubby bistro' so whatever the fuck that means. Every time I'm there I'm looking for an excuse to leave.

Honestly this is how I think 41 Ocean was conceived.

INT. THE SHORES APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
MARK and MARTIN are two brothers living in the penthouse apartment of The Shores in Santa Monica. Martin expertly cuts two gigantic lines of cocaine, Mike Posner plays in the background.

MARK
So Martin, what should we do with our enormous inheritance?

Mark insufflates a huge gorilla thumb.

MARTIN
Why don't we donate some of it to a good cause? Really make a difference.

Martin deadpan delivers this and stares down his brother before he breaks and they both crack up laughing.

MARK
Holy shit, I thought you were serious for a second!

Martin vaccuums his rail while still laughing.

MARTIN
Ya right, fuck the poors.

MARK
So nightclub?

MARTIN
Nightclub.

MARK
Let's sell memberships it will trick people into thinking it's exclusive or some shit.

MARTIN
Totally. There's a property for sale at 1541 Ocean. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

MARK
OCEAN BAR!

MARTIN
No, there's already an Ocean Bar.

MARK
Henry VIII!!!!

MARTIN
What? No! What the fuck, why would we name our bar after that Jonathan Rhys Myers character in The Tudors?

MARK
He took the throne in 1541...

MARTIN
No, we're just going to drop the 15 and call it 41 Ocean.

MARK
Fuck ya, prime numbers are cool.
***
Anyway, suffice to say, this place sucks, anyone that purchased a membership here is a fool (but what a THOT move...it's like joining the shitty country club when you don't get invited to the good one) and this is probably the worst option for your post pier concert rager.

5. Shore Bar

Hot Night: Friday/Saturday

General Dimensions: Ummm, I don't really know. It's small.

Vibe: A prep school party with no adult supervision.

Of all the bars on this list Shore Bar is probably the rowdiest but it is also a lesson in macroeconomics, specifically supply and demand, it is nearly impossible to get into Shore Bar unless you are with a girl that went to The New Roads School and used to tutor the bouncer. That said, once you get in, what a shit show. The entire bar acts as one large dance floor, if a surface bears weight, it will be danced on and bottles of vodka are just passed around like it's an open bar wedding. I suppose the idea is that if you can weasel your way into this Palisades adjacent property, you must belong! Welcome to the good life.

Almost every person at this bar went to private school in Santa Monica and they don't really like outsiders. Someone may ask where you went to high school. "Cathedral." Oh, is that the new all boys' school downtown? I think Kendall Jenner's cousins go there. 'No, it's in Indiana.' I might as well be copping to being HIV positive. But whatever, it's dark, the music is loud, and someone just saw Nina Dobrev doing molly in the bathroom. Shore Bar is a dive bar or whatever the rich version of a dive bar is. Like if you were a character on Gossip Girl visiting LA, I think you would go to Shore Bar. Also it should be stated that the highest drunk driving per capita in the United States is probably right outside the Shore Bar valet stand. These kids aren't worried about getting pulled over, mom and dad only live about a mile down the road, they'll be fine!

6. The Huntley

Hot Night: None

General Dimensions: It's on the top floor of a hotel, circular bar in the middle.

Vibe: Desperation and Sadness

Going to the Huntley is borderline an act of prostitution. It's when a THOT realizes she is no longer attractive or young enough to land some hotshot fuckboy and her best bet is to find a Persian in his mid 40's that doesn't even wear all that much gold anymore. It's actually quite upsetting. The Huntley was probably the shit like 20 years ago, but now it just kind of looks like the same people have been going there for 20 years. It's not all bad, I guess. It's high in the air and partying at elevation is generally preferable to partying at sea level. It has views of the city? It thinks it's classy?

Sorry I have to stop. There is nothing more pathetic than an institution that thinks it is something that it is not. When I go here I see a group of women on a 'girl's night' getting dolled up and excited to grab a fancy diner AT A HOTEL and have a hot guy buy them fancy cocktails, when in all actuality they are probably going to meet some man claiming to be Ed Sheeran's old voice coach. He may even invite you back to see his home which includes the studio where Ed first recorded 'Sing.' He lives in the hills (Sherman Oaks side of course) and claims to have dated Stevie Nicks in 1988. Let's face it, The Huntley is a glorified nursing home, and if you find yourself there, I'm truly sorry because along the way, something went very badly wrong for you.

7. The Wilshire

Hot Night: Thurs-Sat

General Dimensions: I don't actually remember

Vibe: The Worst of Westwood

On this blog we talk a lot about USC and how gloriously douchey its graduates can be, often times the Bruins up the street get a free pass. WELL NOT TODAY! There is a generally accepted rule that if you A. Went to UCLA, B. Were in a top tier frat/sorority and C. Your dad makes more than $300,000 a year, you are required by law to move into a box roughly boundaried by Wilshire/Barrington/Santa Monica and 20th. You will go to Q's, Cabo Cantina and occasionally Bru Haus...but what about the THOTS? UCLA HAS THOTS TOO! Where can you truly THOT out in the Brentwood adjacent Wilshire Corridor? Why the Wilshire of course.

In the truly LA tradition of giving bars unique names, The Wilshire is on Wilshire near the Santa Monica/Brentwood border. I don't get there very often because it's quite a bit East of Lincoln but when I do you best believe that there are some 23 year old Sig Eps belting out every single word to Despacito. Every girl is on their phone hoping for an invite to a better party because The Wilshire is a solid B+ and you better believe there is some guy organizing an after party at his 5 bedroom 6 person apartment on Bundy. The girls aren't thrilled about the 11 block walk to the after party, but hey, free drugs, maybe she'll even bang one of the dudes. These looks are going to last forever, and she spent two hours doing her hair tonight, better get her money's worth. Besides, if she wakes up still drunk tomorrow it will make it much easier to cruise into brunch. God those Sunday Scaries are going to be bad though. She better hit up her Xanax dealer, just in case.

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