Last week on this blog we discussed the 7 chicks one might date in LA. At least 15 women texted/emailed/called/DM'd me asking which type they were. I of course told them what they wanted to hear. "You're the homie!" I did this because I knew it would make them feel good and despite all of my actions that may lead you to assume the contrary, I'm a pretty nice guy!
We all know the truth though, a real homie would never ask to be categorized. They don't need the Buzzfeed quiz for validation, they just know. In all actuality, most people are probably some sort of hybrid, because we are all a bit hypocritical right? I know plenty of independent women that will gladly allow their parents to drop six figures on their wedding, plenty of east siders that utter phrases like 'meat is murder, dairy is the devil' but then get black out drunk and devour an entire pepperoni pizza. So don't despair if you don't fit neatly into one of the seven categories, it's like sexuality it's more of a sliding scale. And how LA is it to be a slash (industry chick slash child is the new 'Barista slash lifestyle blogger.')
Since this is an equal opportunity blog that actually has a 43% female readership, we are going to flip the script today and go after the men of LA. Enjoy.
1. The Tech Guy
Tech Guy sold his previous start-up for $250,000 to Amazon. It was a messaging app that would make someone's phone vibrate even if it was on silent and do not disturb. He essentially repackaged the PING!!! from Blackberry Messenger. But current post-millenials who never lived in a world in which RiM was a thing can't get enough of it. Guys use it to text chicks 'You Up?' at 4 in the morning after their coke runs out hoping the 'buzz' of the phone will wake them up. It rarely works.
ANYWAY...Tech Guy got himself a sweet desk at a WeWork in Santa Monica and he's developing a new app that will display a calming blue background to hungover people going through the 'Sunday Scaries.' He will probably sell it to Google for 10 million dollars. When tech guy isn't working on his sweet new apps, he is probably yammering about 'The Valley' (Silicon not San Fernando you pleeb) or talking to you about the 17 jokes that went over your head on last night's Silicon Valley. He throws phrases around like 'VC' and 'Series A' but what he doesn't talk about is that his 'angel investor' is actually his 'dad.'
Why you'll break up: While playing a game of Marry/Fuck/Kill, you chose to kill Elon Musk due to his resting platypus face. Tech Guy didn't like that.
2. The SC grad
I promise you, as much shit as I give USC, it's because I'm really super jealous I didn't go there. More than half my friends in LA went to USC and that place stands for pretty much everything I believe in: superiority, wealth and no apologies. Do you know why the SC grad is so cocky? I don't know because he is good looking, phenomenal at sports and his dad owns a dealership? It's no wonder these guys move from a big ass house on 28th street to a big ass house on the Strand in Hermosa Beach. Life is pretty easy man, play Beach Volley all day in your male romper and then hit Ocean Bar at night.
When dating an SC grad though you're pretty much dating his whole house. He lives with 5 dudes still using their college nicknames. Their house DEFINITELY has a name. Your Facebook is inundated with Events like 'Beer Olympics at Sig WEST' your Saturday mornings are full of activities like preparing Jell-O shots for aforementioned beer olympics or whatever theme party is being held that night. Dating the SC grad is just like extending college for 2-12 years. You aren't even sure what the SC Grad does for a living. Did he actually start that charity? Or was it medical device sales...you don't know, mostly because fratting seems to be his full time gig.
Why you'll break up: SC grad decides to take a gap year at 26. Not before grad school or anything, just taking a year to travel the world and spend dad's money.
3. The Nice Guy
When nice guy came up on your Bumble feed you thought 'meh.' He looks like he may have been stuffed in lockers in high school, probably gets picked last in all rec sports and never once has a person looked at him and said 'this guy fucks.' But he's genuine! He does old school gentleman things like open the door for you, brings you flowers 'just because' and writes you love letters. It's not that he's boring per se, but let's just say when you get invited to a college friend's wedding and there are no plus ones you aren't exactly disappointed. One time when he wasn't drinking at a party one of your very drunk friends asked if he was pregnant. He seems like a narc and maybe that's because he's like 6 years older than the median age of the group. He enjoys going to the birthday parties of his coworkers' kids, thinks Game of Thrones is too violent and volunteered to be your beer pong partner once if he could play with lemonade.
Look, life with the nice guy is fine. Sex will be missionary, weekends will be very basic, like HE is the one waking you up at 7am to go to the flea market, but you know what? He will be faithful, he will be a good boyfriend and he cooks! He fucking cooks! He'll probably be a great dad. Not like little league coach dad, but definitely a good 'help with homework' dad.
Why you'll break up: After two years of playing it safe with nice guy you will finally snap and have sex with your college boyfriend at an open bar wedding in Bloomington.
4. The Layabout
The layabout hasn't seemed to work in over two years but somehow affords to pay rent on his Brentwood apartment. Either he's secretly a drug dealer or he has become an expert in manipulating California's extremely generous unemployment laws. Anytime you ask him what he's up to, he's 'working on this script.' In fact 'he has the whole thing figured out in his head, he just has to write it down.' But then some days he will drastically change his tune and he's 'going out for some auditions' because 'acting doesn't look THAT hard.' He is always one bad day away from getting swept up in some sort of pyramid scheme.
That said, life with the layabout is pretty low key. He's always up for going on a hike, surfing, camping, watching some Netflix, you know the things that don't cost any money. It's essentially a homeless chic lifestyle. Despite his lack of any real income, he has a near endless supply of marijuana and video games. Sometimes you may even envy his laissez faire approach to the world, especially when he sleeps until noon on Mondays, but then you come to resent him when you essentially foot the bill for your lives together.
Why you'll break up: After your unemployed cousin Mary comes to visit for a week, Layabout suggests the three of you attempt an open relationship.
5. Daddy
Daddy went to Harvard, works at a hedge fund downtown and hasn't looked at a price tag in five years. Daddy drives a fast European car, owns a boat and never shows up to a dinner party with a wine bottle made this century. Daddy reads newspapers, listens to Ted Talks in a non-annoying way and has refined views on politics that he doesn't shove down your throat. He's obsessed with work though. Last year when you guys were summering (daddy doesn't vacation, he summers) in Tuscany, daddy spent the majority of the trip on video conference calls with clients in Taipei. Oh ya, daddy speaks Mandarin and mysteriously has dual citizenship in America and in Greece.
You do get the sense that when daddy goes on business trips he frequents strip clubs. In fact one time you overheard him telling a friend that a great way to spend happy hour on a Friday is at a strip club, because it builds your confidence for the rest of the weekend. You aren't sure whether to be disgusted by this or impressed by the sound logic. Of course daddy has his faults. Anytime you guys argue he tells you to buy yourself something, you notice strange texts from other women on his phone. He always dismisses this as 'work stuff.' You're pretty sure he's cheating on you, but he also just bought you a Chanel Double Flap....so, call it even?
Why you'll break up: On your 30th birthday Daddy introduces you to his intern that he has been secretly dating for 18 months. The intern is a man. Didn't see that coming.
6. The Industry Douche
The industry douche is a fuck boy of the highest order mainly because he knows he can always blame things on work and because it's commonly accepted that WME assistants have it tough in this town, his excuse will always hold water. But do not be fooled. Industry douche, hilariously initialed ID (if you didn't catch that reference, up your psychology game brah) is not reading scripts from the Blacklist on Saturday afternoon, he's at 41 Ocean telling chicks how he is hip pocketing like 15 up and coming writers and stands to get an AP credit on an independent film. SUPER IMPRESSIVE. Industry douche loves to take pictures at premieres, only takes his meetings at Soho House and brags about the fact that he has John Stamos' number in his cell phone. (Because ID was the line producer's assistant on Grandfathered)
But he's hot. He wears the hell out of a suit. He had sex with almost every girl at his film school and they all gave him high marks. One doesn't become a fuck boy without being good at it. He's not a long term solution but he's definitely a 'good for now' type guy to date. He got you invited to Tobey Maguire's house once and you got to watch Leo get a footjob from a Russian model. That's a fun story that you can tell for years to come, hell Jezebel might even let you write about it.
Why you'll break up: Industry douche will ghost you and it will be super awkward five years down the line when you are both staff writers on a CW show about sexy teen mummies.
7. The Bro
Not to be confused with the SC grad, the industry douche or even daddy, the bro is really just a well intentioned dude who happens to be 30 going on 25. The bro drinks too much, spends money that he doesn't have and has never passed a late night food truck without ordering a minimum of five items. As much as you would love him to grow up just a little bit, you have to admit, life with him is fun. He's the life of the party. He gives impromptu wedding toasts that bring the house down, he somehow convinces your parents to do Fireball shots and one time he invited Montell Jordan to perform karaoke at your birthday party. Apparently they met on a party bus to a horse track once and now they are best friends.
The bro might need to clean his apartment more often, but he got you skydiving passes for your birthday and that was pretty cool. He does shit like tell you to pack a bag and then takes you on random trips. One time he took you to Monterey, one time he took you to Tijuana. You guys got robbed at gun point but bro ended up talking the assailant out of it and buying him a beer. It was a strange night. He doesn't have the money to fly you first class, neither of you will ever afford a decent house in LA, but at the end of the day, you can't think of anyone you would rather go through this strange adventure called life with.
Why you'll break up: You won't. You'll elope at some point to the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe and then have a bad ass ski trip with all of your closest friends.
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