Friday, June 9, 2017

The Case for Day Drinking


With summer here, it's as good a time as ever to resurrect one of the oldest debates of all time. Given the option to choose only one: is it better to drink during the day or at night?

Hello my name is Dave and I will be arguing the affirmative; Day drinking is better than night drinking.

My name is Dave and I will be arguing the negative; Day drinking is not better than night drinking.

Hi, I'm the moderator, my name is also Dave! We will be using a Lincoln Douglas Debate which as you know follows the format of Affirmative constructive, cross-ex, negative constructive, cross-ex, affirmative rebuttal, negative rebuttal, affirmative rejoinder. I'm glad I paid attention in honors debate class Junior year. Affirmative, you may begin.

Thank you Mr. Moderator. I will re-state again that I am arguing for the affirmative that day drinking is better than night drinking. I want you to imagine this, it is a beautiful sunny day, you are invited to a pool for a gathering of friends. Libations are consumed, tropical house music is played, burgers are cooked. You converse with friends, meet new people, take a dip in the hot tub, maybe even toss a football. I am obviously discussing a day party, we've all been to one. They come in all shapes and sizes, a day party can be a volleyball outing on the beach, a day party can be six friends sailing around a harbor, which leads me to my first argument.

Day drinking is better than night drinking because of the realm of activities that can be enjoyed during day. As alcohol is a natural enhancement to many activities, if given the option to drink during the day or at night one must choose to drink when they can maximize their enjoyment of said activities. Many of these sporting options I have mentioned such as going to the beach or sailing can be dangerous or even illegal while done at night, leading one to conclude that it is best to enjoy these activities during the day.

My next argument is that day drinking allows one to retire for the evening at a reasonable hour and get a good night's sleep. Studies show that people that get at least 8 hours of sleep are healthier, leading one to conclude that if one were to either day drink or night drink, day drinking would likely be better for their personal well being.

My third and final argument is that day time is generally regarded as a safer time to be out and about that night. Walking home from a neighborhood barbecue at 6pm is far optimal to walking home at 2 AM when a lack of light may make it easier for a predator to mug you. There are fewer drunk drivers on the street in the afternoon than the evening, so your Uber is less likely to be run down by an impaired motorist.  

In summation for my constructive, day drinking is better than night drinking because it offers more options for enjoyable activities, is better for your health and finally an all around safer experience. I am ready for cross.

Holy shit, where do I begin?

Language sir.

Apologies, but my god your entire constructive is a combination of egregious fallacies.

Such as...?

Let's start with your circular argument that drinking on the beach at night is illegal and therefore inferior to drinking on the beach during the day.

Yes, partying on the beach was one of the many activities I listed.

You are aware that it is ALSO illegal to drink on the beach during the day.

Safety was the key factor I was pointing to in that argument.

There have been zero alcohol involved drownings in Venice Beach in the past year during the night or during the day. Furthermore you make the assumption that drownings are more likely at night than during the day when in reality there are far more drownings that occur during daylight because there are a disproportionate amount of people that prefer to swim during the day.

Next, I would like to attack your 'curfew argument' in which you assert that via a major slippery slope fallacy that people that get a good night's sleep will in fact be healthy. I'll tell my diabetic Grandmother that she just needs to sleep it off. I'm sure you didn't even consider the fact that someone going to sleep at 3 o clock in the morning may sleep until 11am. I will ask the affirmative, would that count as 8 hours? Your definition of a 'good night's sleep.'

Well I suppose.

And finally, what a despicable straw man argument 'getting mugged at night is bad.' 

Are you really going to try to assert that someone isn't more likely to get mugged at night than in broad daylight?

Anyone at any time who is impaired is at greater risk to be mugged, but you also erroneously assume that drivers are more impaired at night than during day AFTER encouraging everyone to go out and get waffled during the day.

Driving at night is statistically more dangerous even when people are not impaired. I never said that if you drank at night you would die, I merely said it was safer to drink during the day.

Maybe if you're wearing a lot of sunscreen...  

TIME!! Negative please go forth with your constructive.

Thank you Mr. Moderator. I will re-state for the record that I will be arguing the negative, drinking during the day is not better than drinking at night. Instead of painting a rosy picture about bros shotgunning beers and bombing Jell-O shots at a rooftop pool in Santa Monica in favor of more ironclad arguments.

Limiting drinking to night leads to a more productive existence. Sure, I'll bite, waking up to tailgate a 11am football game sounds kinda fun, but guess what? Even if you make it home in the early afternoon after doing ice luges in a big ass field all day, the rest of your day is shot. You can't magically sober up, no matter how long you shower or how much Red Bull you chug. Your day is over, you may be able to watch a couple episodes of Netflix, but in a society where we are tasked with responsibilities, many of these will be pushed back in favor of fun.

Secondly, I would argue that limiting your drinking to night will save you money in the long run. When one makes a firm commitment to dartying there is rarely a 'hard out.' The drinking could go until the last person is standing, sometimes these mini benders will go in excess of 8 hours, not only are you drinking more and harming your body, you're paying for more alcohol, food, transportation and god knows what else during this time. If you go to a bar at 10 o clock, you're going to be kicked out at 1:30. Sure you may hit the taco truck on the way home, but that $8 pales in comparison to the $200 you will spend on Drizzly when your Beer Olympics runs out of Coors Light at 3pm.

Moving forward, my last argument is that drinking at night is better for forging romantic relationships.  While it is indeed possible to show a lady friend your apartment at 6pm, it's weird. Your roommates may be sitting on the couch playing video games. You will both notice how messy your bedroom is. A romantic 'nap' after a daytime session at Bungalow is a far more aggressive endeavor than just bringing a nice lady friend home at the end of the night. In summation, my arguments against drinking during the day, are that drinking at night leads to a more productive life, costs less money and is romantically advantageous. 

Wow, I can't believe you went there. You actually said drinking at night is better because it's easier to hook up.

Ya.

And you shamelessly said it's because she won't notice how shitty your apartment is in the darkness. I mean you stopped short of alluding to she can't see YOU as well in the darkness either but it was implied.

It was not.

Honestly, I'm not even going to touch that argument, I'm just...wow.

That said, I'm going to make you eat your own words on the productivity front. Not more than five minutes ago, you stated sleeping from 3am-11am would be 8 hours of sleep. Kinda hard to run your morning errands when you're sleeping off some bad decisions isn't it?

But that's not even your most ridiculous argument, going out at night is WAY more expensive than drinking during the day.

How so?

Um, I don't know. You take a case of beer over to your buddy's house that costs $20. You buy 10 beers at a bar, that costs a hundred.

You are incorrectly assuming that the only way to go out at night is to a bar. What about a house party?

You know god damn well that you're taking more than just 30 beers to a house party.

Sounds like an anecdotal argument to me.

I'll let the judges draw their own conclusions. I'll remind you it would be a fallacy of en absentia to assume that I agree with your final argument just because I failed to offer a retort, I'm just maintaining some semblance of class in this debacle.

The affirmative may now offer a brief rebuttal. May I remind you gentlemen to please avoid the use of the second person...actually whatever, it doesn't matter anymore.

I argued that there are more options for activities for day drinking than there are at night, my opponent didn't really have a rebuttal for this. I then argued that it's better for your health and safer to limit your drinking to day and get a good night's sleep. What followed were a bunch of logic fallacy accusations that I assure you my opponent doesn't really know how to use properly. So I suppose the entire debate comes down to this:

Do you value the outdoors, swimsuits, lawn games and charcoal grills or do you punt on all of that because it's probably easier to get a girl to go home with you at 3am as opposed to 3pm?

Tailgating, horse tracks, float trips...or a girl you'll probably regret in the morning?

Dancing, music, hallucinogens, dark corner make-outs. Late night adventures where you can end up at a house where you know nobody. Warehouse parties, cosmic bowling...

Cosmic bowling? Cosmic fucking bowling? "Dancing, music, hallucinogens" You sound like a 22 year old that just got back from Coachella (most of which takes place during the day btw) You can do all that stuff you mentioned during the day and still make it to your couch in time to order a full pizza from Abbot's. Your argument is invalid and I win the debate.

***

After careful consideration the judges have ruled in favor of the affirmative. Drinking during the day is better than drinking at night.

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