I am not attending a wedding in 2017.
This on its face seems shocking as at age 30, I should be in my prime of wedding-going...like a Heat era LeBron. In fact, this is either a statistical anomaly or people just don't like me as much as I think they do. Rather it is likely a combination of a few factors: moved far away from home (lost touch with high school friends) live in a large city (where people tend to get married later) and am single (being in a relationship doubles the pool of possible wedding invites) or perhaps I am just in the eye of the storm.
Yes the 'eye of the storm' a brief respite from the chaos, a line in the sand if you will between the people that wanted to get married and start pumping out kids and the people that wanted to chase a career/travel the world/have sex with a lot of people before settling down. There are merits to both of course. I have effectively sacrificed any opportunity to be the cool young dad. Hell, I probably will be too old to coach my kid's little league team (if I ever have kids) however, I will have better stories.
That said, many of you will be going to weddings this summer and I have analyzed my data and decided that almost any wedding can be boiled down into one of five archetypes. So behold, the five weddings you are likely to attend this summer.
1. The Reunion
Date: No
Suggested Gift: Crowdfund the Honeymoon
This is the wedding that probably takes place shortly after college between high school sweethearts or a Greek power couple and guess what? The whole fucking frat/sorority/graduating class is invited. You've probably been looking forward to this one for a while, it's like a five year reunion except only the people that you played rage cage with in undergrad. You've probably got 3-4 text chains going about this wedding well in advance of 100 days out. One is concerned with lodging (FUCK IT LETS GET A 10 BEDROOM AIRBNB) One concerning drugs (honestly I've heard it's pretty safe to fly with edibles) and one concerning who is going to try to bang who (is their old social chair still single?)
The reunion wedding is often the best type of wedding because you will know every single person there and there likely won't be any plus ones, simply because it would be awkward for the dates to show up in a sea of people who have all hooked up with each other and been blacking out together for the better part of a decade. This is also what makes it the most dangerous. If you are the boyfriend of a chick going back to a reunion wedding you just have to know that your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend will be there and he will stop at nothing to take her down. If you were ever going to splurge on some first class tickets to Hawaii, this is the weekend to do it pal.
The reunion weddings are also great because you know all of the parents and they've been hip to your antics since Sophomore year of high school. They knew you were sneaking whiskey into the basement in back then and they know why you are running to the bathroom every 15 minutes at the reception now, but whatever. It's a celebration right? Hell the Groom and Bride are the most likely people to have to be carried home. When every person in the room is offering you a shot it's hard not to be right?
2. The Royal Ball
Date: Yes
Suggested Gift: The only thing on the registry from Restoration Hardware you can afford
The last time I had to rent a tuxedo was the day I got initiated into my fraternity, but I know it's coming, the black tie, $500,000 affair brought to you by the parents of the bride. You know the type, more money than God, one daughter, and once chance to throw the most extravagant party of the year? Yes, this is The Royal Ball wedding, hell it may even have some crazy theme like Capulets and Montagues or some shit. Open bar with top shelf booze, a venue that was booked two years out, horses will probably be involved in some way, this shit is going to be crazy.
Tread lightly though my friends, this is not the wedding that you want to end up passed out naked in the front lawn. You never want to cross rich people, they will make you pay. Rather, the move here is to pleasantly interact with all of the grown-ups (the parents of your friends) have fun at the photo booth, take lots of pictures and tag them with the appropriate wedding hashtag including the phrase 'what a beautiful ceremony' and then at a reasonable hour head to bed with your date and have missionary sex.
In fact, make it to brunch in the morning! Make some polite jokes about one of the uncles. "Uncle Mike, I thought you were about to tear an ACL on that dance floor!" Or "Aunt Marge you kept slipping me Champagne and sent me to bed by 10!" These are the PG-13 jokes that can curry favor with the social elite, maybe a job offer is to follow. What a success! Also if you don't vomit on your tux, I've heard you get your security deposit back.
3. The Hipster Banger
Date: Optional
Suggested Gift: Polaroid Camera
So the hipster banger is kind of like the wrap partiy of weddings. There may be some sort of non-religious ceremony presided over by some cousin that got an officiant degree online. In fact there may not even be a real dinner, just some passed apps followed by a DJ playing bangers until 3 in the morning at an event space in Silverlake. Sounds like a good time right?
In fact, what is becoming more and more common is couples are eloping, then returning to town to throw a party so they can celebrate with their friends. Who needs the expensive church? Millenials don't even believe in religion right?
This will probably be the status quo for your friends that you meet later in life, post college and the sort. Perhaps it's like a make-up artist and grip that met on a Freeform show. There will be no one over the age of 35 at this wedding so feel free to bring a date or just hit on the bride's single cousin from San Diego. This wedding will definitely have a Snap Chat filter, there will certainly be a themed drink and there might even be an after party in a warehouse downtown for the really cool kids.
4. The Destination Wedding
Date: Yes
Suggested Gift: Something sentimental, a painting, a beautifully framed photo, a scrapbook of the couple...because you'll be broke AF after one of these.
There are several schools of thought on the destination wedding. The most cynical would be that you can invite a bunch of people that won't come and who will still send gifts. I choose to believe that the reason is because it's probably pretty dope to get married on an island somewhere and then just stick around for your honeymoon. Hell, maybe your friends will stick around too and you can just party for a week. The idea of a honeymoon is likely a bit outdated, while in the 1950s I suppose it's possible that the married couple wanted some alone time, it's much more likely in 2017 that the couple have been living together for years and would love to rip it in Hawaii with their friends.
The Destination Wedding is likely the smallest on the list, it's expensive to book hotel and travel for one, let alone two. If you are thinking about cruising into the Dominican looking for a Bridesmaid or a fresh divorcee this is unlikely to be the wedding for you. I've actually never been to a destination wedding (well technically every wedding I attend is a destination wedding for me since I live thousands of miles from everyone) but I imagine there is lots of laying around by pools and drinking fruity drinks. Maybe there is a day time excursion that involves crocodiles. Sounds fun!
Destination Weddings can be inconvenient if you're broke, or a nice excuse to take a vacation if you're not. Even the saltiest boss can't fault you for 'going to your brother's wedding,' whereas I am having a very hard time crafting the 'hey I want to go to Burning Man' conversation. But certainly the best part of a destination wedding is that it is almost guaranteed to be outdoors which means you are able to wear that sick seersucker suit you bought on clearance in December.
5. The Shitshow
Date: Doesn't Matter
Suggested Gift: Cash
Ah, I've been waiting for this one, the frat party of weddings. Who needs a fancy venue when you've got a garage and an unemployed cousin who will pour keg beer all night for 50 bucks? Have you ever heard the joke about people tailgating a wedding? I have been to weddings where people tailgate, where people wear jeans, where people bring flasks because they aren't sure there will be an open bar. These weddings are often the best.
One of the most disturbing trends in weddings lately has been the Firday, Sunday (or even Thursday!!) wedding to save money. I assure you, as someone who has been to multiple weddings in barns in Iowa the only things you need to have a fun wedding: loud music, fun people and lots of beer.
Maybe the bride's parents don't have a lot of money, maybe the couple is footing the bill themselves, but the cheaper the wedding, the more likely something like a 100 person game of flip cup is to break out, the more likely it is for someone to bring a trunk full of fireworks, the more likely it is for you to find romance in a cornfield. These are the stories you want from your wedding, the stories you will cherish forever. No one will remember how lovely the flower arrangement was at your wedding, but they will remember when ole Uncle Billy passed out mid-speech and people drew dicks on him.
Ok maybe a girl who has been dreaming of her wedding her whole life, perfectly mapping everything out on Pinterest, doesn't want her wedding remembered as the time people drew dicks on her passed out uncle...but it does make for one hell of a story. Enjoy wedding season everyone!
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