We have discussed the terrible men and women one dates in LA but haven't gone into much detail on the dates themselves. Given the rich and diverse landscape of this city you would think that Los Angeles was a place for creative and nearly fantastical dating possibilities.
You would be wrong.
See, most people given the opportunity would skip the dating process all together, it's a means to an end. You date so you can determine if you would like to have sex with a person (and also to make sure that they aren't a serial killer who will set your house on fire in the middle of the night) In fact the only time I would prefer to take a girl (that is not my girlfriend) to an event is because it's either required or because she is so much better looking than me that it will impress people. Congrats every girl I ever took to a wrap party, I think you are hot.
But instead of focusing on all of my views that could be indicative of Borderline Personality Disorder, let's get straight to these shitty dates.
1. Shitty Drinks in K-Town
Drinks is the absolute worst date in the world, from the awkward separate arrivals (Hey I'm at the bar wearing a red polo shirt) to the questionable seating arrangement at the table (Do we sit across, next to each other, do the catty corner thing? I HATE THIS, go for the bar, it alleviates this problem) Drinks is almost always a first date and the date almost always goes like this.
Round One: Oh you have a brother? Crazy me too! Weird, I also had a dog growing up, we're so similar.
Round Two (because you always get at least two) Talking about job stuff, wow you're a PR assistant that sounds SO exciting. OMG Miles Teller is an alcoholic? Never would have guessed!
Round Three is when things get interesting. Because now we are in risk assessment territory. If a girl stays for a third drink there is like a 75% chance she is going to want to make out with you, but each subsequent round is also $25. A girl that wants a third drink might ALSO want a fourth drink and now we're just getting into the law of diminishing returns. Like if you would have gone home with me after three drinks, the fourth drink is waste.
If I would have paid more attention in my finance classes I could write an extremely clever metaphor right here about sunk costs and depreciation. Instead I'll just confirm for you guys that after drink two I am just trying to keep the date under $100, while also thinking through the gut wrenching prospect of going home with this girl, not being that into it and then having to send an awkward text in a few days that I'm 'not really feeling it.'
This is why I deleted dating apps.
Chance of a hook up: 40%
2. Dinner at an awful Santa Monica restaurant
Dinner is the natural progression from drinks. It's likely a second date. You have probably taken the messaging off app and have been periodically texting at work while you are bored. The guy likes you enough to commit to at least a $150 dollar night because let's be honest, you're doing a second bottle of wine, you're splitting an appetizer and you're both getting an entree. Unless you are dating me and then you are going to a BYOB Chinese place AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. On the flipside, maybe you get a try hard who takes you to Magic Castle (but remember, there is a reason that try hard have to try hard)
The dinner date is the most boring on the list but it can be very telling. You can learn a lot about a person from their annoying dining habits, like taking things off your plate without asking, or then demanding you guys order two different things and then share. NO, I WANT ALL OF MY BOLOGNESE AND NONE OF YOUR CRAP VEGAN DISH. Also if the date starts going poorly at all, I start thinking of all the better ways I could have spent my money: tickets to Raw, one third of an inflatable hot tub, a used Roomba to torture my cat with.
And to be honest it goes both ways, a lot of the time a date will go 'just OK' but the guy begs the girl to go on a second date and SHOCKER it's just as lame as the first. I feel for the women too. No one really wants to be on the dinner date right? Even when Dan and Serena went on their dinner date season one of Gossip Girl it sucked. The one saving grace of this terrible tradition is that it's usually a breaking point. After this night you guys are either going to become 'a thing' or ancient history. Often times, the latter.
Chance of a hook up: 20% (people don't like to be naked when they're bloated)
3. Cooking in a filthy Venice Bungalow
We are not slowly getting into territory of 'things that don't make me want to jump off a bridge.' Cooking is great for a myriad of reasons: It establishes an activity. There are uncomfortable pauses on a date, but if you are chopping onions or shredding cheese these silences don't feel so deafening. It also removes the financial burden as you can have as many bottles of wine you want because they were all $8.99 at Ralph's after that 6 bottle discount!
You also get a better feel for the person because you can see their house, their neighborhood, perhaps a roommate will pop in. Spoiler alert, if you hate a person's roommates, it's going to cause relationship tension. After the cooking you can take the food to the couch, throw on a movie and cuddle. It's absolutely adorable. Maybe you watch The Bachelor or even something romantic like The Challenge Champs vs Pros! And after an evening of drinking and cooking and light spooning, guess what?
There is a queen size bed with clean-ish sheets in the next room.
Now of course this date is not without its flaws. Some women don't feel comfortable going to the home of a guy they don't know that well (or inviting him over) some men would like to spend more time with a woman so they can find out she's not the crazy type that will show up at 2 o clock in the morning pounding on the door. Cooking is definitely not the ideal first date idea, but maybe once you've gotten some reviews from mutual friends, maybe checked their Uber rating, then it's a good time.
Chance of a hook up: 80%
4. The overrated West Hollywood Hike
Dates without alcohol are excruciating. One time I went to drinks with a woman and she told me she didn't drink.
"You can though!"
Well fuck me. I imagine a pregnant wife urging me to go ahead and drink without her as she stares deep into my soul clutching a steak knife.
ANYWAY, I can't imagine going on a first date without alcohol, but if you were to do it, for the love of God get outside and do something active. As a heavy sweater I try to avoid being around women while I'm exercising, but I suppose I'm not everyone and I have been on some somewhat enjoyable hikes with women in LA. It's nice because you know that each party cares at least a little about their fitness and won't magically become obese when they turn 34.
Hikes are also one of the rare dates that you can squeeze in during the day, so if you don't want to commit a prime weekend night to someone you're not one hundred percent sure about, you can hit them with the day shift and then meet your buddies for happy hour. Remembering the day component in your dating life is like remembering the height component while furnishing a room. Nothing wrong with lofting that bed bro.
Hikes are also sceney as fuck and if you take a chick to Runyon Canyon she'll take an Instagram selfie and brag to her friends about you at brunch the following day, so I guess that's something.
Chance of a hook up: 5% (gross)
5. Movie in a creepy Hollywood Graveyard
What is more romantic than watching Terminator 2 in a trendy cemetery full of rich assholes? (Both living and dead) Nothing? Right, nothing. Look picnics are tolerable especially when they involve lots of red wine and crackers. But what makes movies in the park in LA (Cinespia, Eat/See/Hear, Electric Dusk etc) especially great is that some hipster east siders decided that these are 'cool.'
What is in essence 'dinner and a movie' becomes a whole to do when it's done outdoors. And hey, movies are fun! You live in LA. DIVE IN! Doesn't it just totally seem like La La Land should have had a scene where they were tap dancing on a mausoleum while singing about shattered dreams?
The movie in the park is also great because it's an opportunity to involve other couples. Three chicks and their Bumble fuck boys. The men bond over whiskey and sports while the girls talk about how they're unsatisfied with their jobs at Buzzfeed or whatever it is girls talk about when I'm not paying attention, and then the movie starts and everyone is quiet! No conversation to hold onto! OMG amazing! And then afterward everyone goes to some shitty Hollywood bar like Hemmingways, goes home and hooks up and talks about what an "LA night" they just had.
Chance of a hook up: 90%
6. A miserable indie rock show in Silverlake
Sure LA has plays and even the rare musical but I am talking about the standing room only type indie band show at the Palladium/Fonda/Wiltern/Greek/Bowl/Troubador where you wear a t shirt and jeans, drink light beer and jump up and down like the beautiful white people that you are!
Of course no one actually enjoys going to see a band called Disco Farts on a Tuesday night. Nothing better than JUST getting over your weekend hangover only to go stand in a dingy basement that smells of unfiltered cigarettes and urine. Christ, why couldn't you have just gone to the free concert at the Santa Monica Pier?
The best part is your date gets the venue wrong and instead of going to the Echo, you end up at the Echoplex which happens to be hosting a drag show, which may actually be an improvement of whatever stupid concert you were supposed to see in the first place.
Probably the worst part of this date is the 55 minute Uber home after the show where you're sobering up and realizing that the making out in the back of the Toyota Prius might be hurting your rider score. Turns out some drivers find that kind of shit disrespectful.
Chance of a hook-up: 60%
7. The Brentwood House Party that isn't even a date!
Honestly, this is where you are more than likely to end up after the first date. Once you guys have seen each other naked, really there is no reason to continue with the facade of effort so your Bumble bro just invites you to the party he was going to hit up anyway. This way he can hang out with his friends and still be guaranteed sex later! It's a win/win. He rationalizes it by saying that he wants you to meet his buds, but he introduces you to everyone as 'his friend' haha psych he doesn't introduce you to anyone! He just kinda let's you stand by yourself in the corner while he houses jell-o shots and smokes cigarettes. He checks in with you every 30 minutes to make sure you're 'having fun.' Of course you say yes because you want to seem cool.
I mean who are we kidding though, this is dating in the modern world. Well at least in LA. You're never going to convince a guy to get serious, you're never getting married and these guys are never going to age out of taking key bumps in the bathroom. It's best to just accept this. Or move, you can totally move back to your hometown and marry the guy who you wouldn't date in college because he was in a bottom tier house. I bet his informatics degree and steady job seem desirable now, don't they?
But none of that matters right now because you're at a party in Brentwood with a lot of 30 year old guys shouting their inside joke catch phrases like they're the motherfucking WHABOOM guy from Bachelorette, this is your life. Someone just offered you molly though, so I guess things could be worse.
Chance of a hook up: 100%
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