06/19/2016

Nineteen years ago (holy shit!) it was a hot day in Indianapolis, IN. I was batting clean-up for the Skiles Test Cardinals in the bottom of the 8th inning. I was facing a pitcher that was my best friend at the time and he was also a lot better at baseball than me. Growing up I was 'make the all star team good' he was 'possibly going pro good.'

Nineteen years later I work as an assistant on a TV show, he plays major league baseball. Our annual salaries vary slightly.

However, on this particular day in 1997, in the bottom of the 8th and a 1-2 count I managed to send one of his pitches probably 400 feet to the opposite field. This is impressive in the fact that I was 10 and oppo bombs are dope.

I couldn't fucking believe it. My dad, who was coaching third base, couldn't fucking believe it. I thought he was going to have a stroke when I rounded the bases. It is still his favorite sports memory of all time. He always brings it up when I call him on Father's Day.

I won that day in 1997. Sure my lifetime batting average against my buddy probably hovered around .125, but on one particular day I bested him. (This is essentially the same story Rick Moranis tells at half time of the big game in The Little Giants.)

Yesterday was an all timer. Yesterday I didn't win shit. I woke up hungover as balls, moved to the couch and proceeded to move only every 2 hours when I needed to grab a new snack. Eventually I made it to a bar down the street for Game 7 only to Irish exit 20 minutes later when I realized I was too hungover to be in public.

That said, my day wasn't a total loss. I got to watch the final round of the US Open, Game 7 and of course, The Battle of The Bastards. The only thing that would have been better is if I would have also sprung for WWE Money in the Bank, but my reckless weekend spending ruled that out pretty quickly.

So let's work through it and answer the question: Who won the day?

Contestant #1: Dustin Johnson

Dustin Johnson won his first major yesterday in convincing fashion. Sure it helped that the Irishman behind him fell apart, but Johnson had a possible penalty looming over his head the entire back 9, something that had to be weighing on his mind.

Furthermore, Dustin Johnson had fucked up twice in previous major championships, costing himself a shot at the title including last year's US Open. Suffice to say, people were wondering if he could ever make it over the hump.

Yesterday he was able to do so and finally etch himself into golf history. Great story, right?

But that's not even the half of it.

If you subscribe to rumors, you would know it's common knowledge that Dustin Johnson was essentially kicked off the tour two years ago for a nasty coke habit and a tendency to fuck other player's wives. Not cool DJ. But after a 6 month self-imposed ban, Dustin found help from an unlikely source: Wayne Gretzky.

Oh you didn't know? DJ has been engaged to supermodel Paulina Gretzky since 2013. They were going to get married in 2014 but then the whole drugs and affairs thing went public and the two went into a holding pattern.

During his suspension, DJ spent a lot of time with The Great One, playing golf and chatting about life; more or less helping Dustin get his head out of his ass. 2015 Paulina gives birth to his son and on Father's Day 2016 DJ finally wins a major. He's also been playing out of his mind all year. And my God did he look like a hero holding his son yesterday while certified 10 Paulina stood by his side.

Yesterday was a great day for DJ, but also the culmination of an epic comeback story.

Contestant #2: LeBron James

They were down 3-1 and didn't stand a fucking chance. There were memes floating around of a laughing David Blatt, "LOL I won 2 games without Kyrie or Kevin!" LeBron was going to leave Cleveland and everyone was going to laugh at their misery. Kevin Love was going to be dragged out in the street and shot in what would be described as a mercy killing.

And then none of it happened. Cleveland won three in a row and became the first team to ever come back from down 3-1. LeBron and Kyrie spent much of game 6 and game 7 looking like Gods. Steph and Klay proved that their shooting prowess could fade proving them mere mortals.

I'll admit, 'The Decision' really rubbed me the wrong way. It was a full heel turn for one of the most popular athletes in the NBA. It probably didn't help that my Pacers so valiantly battled the Heat for most of LeBron's tenure there, coming up just short every time. I wanted LeBron to fail last night. I was cheering for Cleveland to burn to the ground as the tortured fan base punished themselves for allowing a feeling of hope.

But then they won. LeBron made good on a promise to bring a title to the town. Something that hasn't been done since the early 60's. LeBron, a Cleveland kid, put a stamp on his legacy and started a new conversation regarding whether or not he might be the greatest.

LeBron could retire tomorrow and he will have achieved his goal of bringing something great to a city that so badly needed something to believe in. But he won't retire tomorrow, he will continue to be great for many years to come.

Contestant #3: Jon Snow

Speaking of places that only breed misery, there was a battle last night on Game of Thrones. The main contestants? A bastard known for flaying his enemies alive and then feeding them to his dogs. Also a bastard known for knowing nothing but also coming back from the dead.

It's tough to say you won the day when almost your entire army is annihilated in battle and you watch your brother die 3 feet in front of you, but a win is a win. Was it extremely stupid to ride into battle on a solo suicide mission? Sure. Was Jon's inferior strategy bailed out by a surprise army and a fucking giant? Of course. But that's just standard practice in military epics. See the ending of The Patriot or Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

The point being, when it came down to the solo showdown, Jon blocked three arrows in a row and then delivered approximately 25 devastating knock out blows to Ramsay Bolton. He was about to pop his skull 'Mountain-style' when he stopped so his sister could do it.

Her chosen method? Death by dogs...Ramsay's dogs.

Tough to say where Jon goes from here. You want to think that now that he holds the north along with his sister they'll just chill for a bit? Reunite all the Northern houses and kick it in Winterfell? I kinda imaging that the new Daenarys/Greyjoy alliance will be like 'Naw the Starks are cool, leave them alone.'

He's probably going to have to deal with the fact that a 48 year old dude now wants to marry his 20 year old sister in exchange for bailing them out with the Knights of the Vale.

That will be awkward.

Will Jon have to marry his half-sister to prevent her from getting Littlefingered.

Oh God I just threw up a little.

Contestant #4: Daenerys Targaryen

She burned everyone, again. Honestly it's a bit old hat at this point. Perhaps she will get her first bicurious experience at the hand's of Yara Greyjoy, but planting a seed is not grounds for winning the day.

Daenarys killed her enemies and got some ships, but I was more impressed with Greyworm's double kill.

And the winner is...JR Smith

I mean you can stick around for my analysis or just read the Deadspin article.

JR Smith had 12 points of 5/13 shooting with 4 rebounds and 2 assists. Those numbers aren't astonishing, but it was a serviceable game for a veteran contributor and good enough for the third highest scoring tally on his team.

But who gives a fuck about actual numbers? JR Smith immediately flew to Vegas and started pouring bottles of champagne on bitches at XS. That is a hero move.

I've been known to beer shower, but typically with 30 cent cans of Keystone Light. By pouring bottles of Dom Perignon on chicks' tits, JR Smith was essentially taking thousands of dollars and lighting it on fire...

Or that's the greatest use of assets in recorded history. You can kinda go either way on this one.

In any event, JR Smith also refused to wear a shirt. I also refused to wear a shirt at the bar on Saturday night. The only difference is, I wasn't celebrating shit and Canal Club felt it right to throw me out. Apparently being on a shit ton of molly isn't a valid excuse for popping off the top in public...at least for a peasant like me.

But all hail JR Smith, king of the bros and the undisputed victor of June 19th, 2016.