Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Chad: Portrait of a Serial Killer

Fade in.

INT. CABIN IN THE WOODS - EVENING

Twelve SCULPTED BROS sit around a warm and cozy cabin pouring SHOTS OF FIREBALL.

A scratching noise from an adjacent room startles the bros...

EXT. CABIN IN THE WOODS - EVENING

We take an anonymous POV looking into the cabin at the aforementioned bros. A veiny hand reaches up and scratches at a window.

We flip around to see CHAD, a man in the midst of a full psychotic breakdown. He stares through the window at ROBBY.

Chad tilts his head to the side mimicking Michael Meyers.

INT. CABIN IN THE WOODS - EVENING

Robby sprints into the den and knocks over a bottle of Fireball.

ROBBY
Guys, it's Chad! He's outside!

JORDAN
Outside, like right now?!

ROBBY
Yes, he looks...deranged.

ALEX
Oh shit...

EVAN
Fuck...

CHASE
Guys relax, there are 12 of us and only one of him. What's the worst that could happen? It's not like he has a weapon!

LUKE
...

JORDAN
...

VINNIE
...

Everyone else also looks at Chase like they are hiding a secret.

CHASE
What? Why are you guys all looking at me like that?

JAMES F
Uhhh, there is a giant fucking axe outside that Luke was using to chop up wood for a wood-fire hot tub.

CHASE
Wood fire hot tub? Is that even a fucking thing? Who thought it was a good idea to introduce a traditional murder weapon into a group of roid raging drunks?

LUKE
Ummm, the producers felt that if I looked manly by chopping wood and then vulnerable by opening up about my war experience that Jojo and America would fall in love with me.

WELLS
It's pretty smart strategy, now that Chad is off the show, there needs to be SOME storyline since clearly Jordan and I are the favorites.

JAMES T
Fuck you Wells! People love my singer songwriter thing, you know how many girls I've banged because of my acoustic crooning?

WELLS
Bro, I brought All 4 One on episode 1. Jojo came at least 9 times.

Jojo passes by the room.

JOJO
I did not come 9 times Wells, I'm keeping you around because you are a radio DJ and might have access to sold out concert tickets at some point down the road.

JORDAN
LOL, eat a dick Wells!

JOJO
Shut up Jordan, do I need to explain why you're still here?

Jojo grins and leaves.

GRANT
I'm just happy to be here. Also I have a feeling I would not be Jojo's first black guy.

LUKE
Guys, what are we going to do about the axe wielding maniac outside???

A window smashes, a door get's kicked down. Chad storms into the room.

CHAD
HERE'S CHADDY!!!!!!!!!!

All the men scream like little girls.

Chad runs up to Evan and drives his axe right through Evan's fragile skull. Blood spatters everywhere as evan slumps lifeless to the floor.

CHAD
TRY COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR RIPPED SHIRT NOW YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!!

Everyone stares in horror.

Chad drops the axe.

CHAD
Pheeeeeew. Sorry guys, I just couldn't handle that annoying prick anymore.

VINNIE
Ya to be honest he kind of sucked.

DAN
THAT WAS STRAIGHT LUMBERJACK EH?!?

ALEX
So to be clear, you are not going to chop me in two right now?

CHAD
Naw man, semper fi! Uh well, that's all I was really here to do. Sorry about the mess and good luck with your quest to love. Follow me on instagram!

Chad leaves.

JORDAN
Uhh, bye Chad!

The men look around the room, James F wipes some blood off of his arm.

JAMES F.
So...more fireball shots?

ALL
YA!!!!!!!!!

Fade out on the bros bromancing...





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