Big Lynn is in town this weekend for a work conference. A vendor has put him up at the Omni Downtown LA. Since I do not know downtown at all, I decided to use this as an exercise to get to know my new coworkers. The question, 'Hey what should I do with my dad this weekend?'
The responses...
Anonymous assistant: You should definitely take him to Seventh Veil.
Me: The strip club?
AA: Fuck ya. Strip clubs are the shit.
Me: Seventh Veil isn't downtown, it's in Hollywood.
AA: Oh, it's just the only strip club name I knew.
Me: I actually was dating a girl once and then she told me that she secretly picked up shifts at Seventh Veil on the weekends to pad her income.
AA: How did that go...
Me: Not well, I think she thought I was going to think it is cool or something. I was actually horrified.
AA: Right, if T-Pain taught us anything it's that the IDEA of dating a stripper is better than actually dating a stripper. What is that girl up to now?
Me: Last I saw she was dating a rapper.
AA: Sounds about right.
Anonymous Writer: Take him to The Broad!
Me: Is that the museum that everyone is instagramming?
AW: Yes!!!
Me: The one with the rain??
AW: No...the other instagram one
Me: Oh the one with the stars?
AW: Yes!!!! And modern art, does your dad like modern art?
Me: Ummmmm...probably not.
AW: Ok, what does he like?
Me: Sitting on the couch with the cats.
AW: Your dad is an old cat lady?
Me: Kind of, he likes Westerns. He's from Iowa.
AW: Oh my God. Is he voting for Trump?
Me: Probably.
AW: Are you voting for Trump?
Me: No.
AW: Are you a Bernie Bro?
Me: No.... I'm with her...
AW: Oh god, she's the worst, I'm voting for Jill Stein.
Me: *sulks off*
The Intern: I wish I knew my dad...
Me: Oh ya, uh, so how do you like LA so far?
Anonymous Producer: You like to party don't you?
Me: Umm, why would you say that?
AP: You've worn Lacoste every day this week and you are straight, so obviously you were in a frat. Also I saw you watching hockey. You're an entitled white bro.
Me: Wow, um...
AP: I'm just fucking with you man, relax!
Me: Oh, phew...
AP: But you do like to party right?
Me: Sure.
AP: Take your dad on a brewery crawl through downtown LA. Start at Angel City and then go to the Arts District. Keep boozing. Grab a late dinner at Nick and Stef's steakhouse, finish up with whiskey and cigars at 7 grand.
Me: That's actually really good advice.
AP: You think you're the only broke assistant that has ever had his rich dad come into town for a weekend?
Me: But you make $10,000 a week now.
AP: I still let my dad pay for dinner, makes him feel important. I let him pay for the drugs too.
Me: Wait what? Are you kidding or not?
AP: I don't know.
Me: You're tough to read.
AP: Exactly.
The Mail Guy: Disneyland. It's the happiest place on Earth.
Me: I don't know if he would be into it.
MG: People that don't like Disneyland cannot be trusted.
Me: But like, I'm 29 and he's 61.
MG: You want a list of cool Disneyland rides for adults? Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Materhorn, Thunder Mountain, It's a Small World...
Me: It's a Small World?
MG: Tower of Terror, Radiator Springs Racers, California Screamin, Grizley River Run, I could keep going.
Me: No man, I get it...we went to Disney World 13 years in a row when I was a little kid. It's just I never remember thinking Small World was that cool.
MG: Well then you clearly never went on shrooms.
***
I think I'm going to fit in just fine here.
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