Last night I tried to start my car and it didn't turn on. This has been happening for a while, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with it because getting your car serviced is expensive and always seems like it can be put off. Eventually my car started and instead of dealing with it today, I googled a bunch of Contiki trips. This is why I would be a terrible father.
'Eh, sick kid? It will get better eventually. Any cheap flights to London?'
In the quest for employment these last few weeks my Bachelorette coverage has been lacking and while I debuted my script for Chad: Portrait of a Serial Killer yesterday, (coming to LA Fringe Fest this summer) I have more thoughts.
However, instead of ranking the characters or giving them each their own spin-off show (I thought long and hard about this...Chasin' Dreams with Chase about his journey to be the number one Zoloft sales rep in the country was something I was particularly excited about) I decided to go back to an old stand-by. Which Game of Thrones character is every remaining Bachelorette...
Ranked in ascending order of importance:
13. Vinny is Shae
As you are told never to trust a whore, never trust a barber with bad hair. Seriously, Vinny's hairline is more whack than whatever the fuck LeBron James has going on every night. Who goes to Vinny to get their haircut, I imagine the same people that seek out British dentists. Just like Shae, it's only a matter of time before Vinny's time on this Earth is up.
12. James F is Gendry
Remember like 30 seasons ago when Gendry got his dick ridden by Melisandre and then she threw leeches on him and shit? Thanks to Davos he escaped and now he's been MIA since? Ya, that's James F. He pulled a me in episode 1 and jumped into the pool in a full suit. Ever since then he's been rowing around the Riverlands or some shit because I don't think he has had a minute of screen time since.
11. Evan is Robin Arryn
Clearly I have had it with Evan since I wrote in my fan fiction yesterday that he literally gets split in half with an Axe wielded by Chad (Ramsay Bolton) but IRL Evan is the weakest character on the show as Robin Arryn is the weakest character in Westeros. Honestly, I think a strong breeze could blow Evan away. I think a fitting end to Evan's character would be that he gets thrown in a pit and fed to rats. It would be an on the nose homage a la 'The Departed' that snitches get stitches. I agree Chad had to go, but for real did Evan have to tattle to CH? I feel like the only reason the dudes in the house tolerate this chump is the hope of free Viagara samples down the road.
10. Daniel is Theon Greyjoy
Honestly, I am not insinuating that Daniel doesn't have a dick or that his sister is a lesbian. I merely thought which of the characters storyline is so devoid of joy that it makes me question whether I will ever laugh again. That is Theon, and that is also the feeling I get every time this so-called 'stand up comedian' tries to make a joke. Honestly, Daniel should be exiled from Canada. He's giving an entire country a bad name and overshadowing my favorite professional sport playoffs of the year.
9. Grant is Mace Tyrell
It would have been really easy to go sex pirate Salladhor Saan here (they're both black) but that would have given Grant wayyyyyy too much credit. I have some IRL info on Grant. Three months ago one of my friends sent me a picture of a girl that looked like Jojo with the caption 'doesn't this look like Jojo?" One month later she sent me a text that said 'Jojo look alike is single, want me to set you up?'
One week after that she was like 'OMG do you know why fake Jojo's boyfriend broke up with her???'
If you guessed because the guy was Grant and he wanted to go on a reality tv show to woo real Jojo I owe you lunch. Grant, like Mace Tyrell, is a huge doofus.
8. Alex is Jorah Mormont
So let's presuppose that Dany took Daario and Jorah on a two on one date. For whatever reason, Daario loses and Dany sadly executes him. You know that at the exact moment she is ordering Drogon to swallow Daario whole, she is still secretly craving his D. Jorah may win, but you know Dany is hardly thrilled. I just perfectly described the last 5 minutes of the Jojo/Chad/Alex date.
7. Derek is Young Griff
I don't know who Derek is.
I don't know who Young Griff is.
I've been told they are both important later in the series.
6. James Taylor is Brienne
A lot of people love James Taylor because he knows how to play 'Wonderwall' on a fucking acoustic guitar. A lot of people like Brienne because she is an
5. Wells is Littlefinger
Littlefinger isn't defeating anyone on the battle in one on one combat, and neither is my man Wells. But you know what? What Wells lacks in physical prowess he makes up for in cunning. He's just chilling in the middle of the pack right now biding his time, making secret alliances, and when the time is right? My man Wells will strike.
Time for the heavy hitters...
4. Robby is The Waif
I spent the day yesterday thinking that Robby was the guy that was in the hot tub with Jojo. Psych that was Luke, but that's because Robby is a faceless fucking man! Robby is no one. In a good way. You will not see Robby coming, he will assume the identity of a 94 year old woman and then stab you three times in the gut, add in a twist for good measure. No one saw competitive swimmer Robby coming on with that lustful chemistry, DID YOU?
3. Chase is Jaime Lannister
Chase is a dreamboat. Jaime is a dreamboat. Many women likely retreated to their bedrooms for some 'personal time' after that Chase/Jojo hot yoga date. Similarly Jaime Lannister is the only one that can make incest sexy. I don't think either of them have a chance in hell of winning. I think a silver medal for both is extremely likely.
2. Luke is Daenerys Targaryen
Luke has a tortured past, is a leader in the clubhouse to win this thing and can get in a HOT AS FUCK HOT TUB! LUKE IS THE UNBURNED! We don't know who is going to win the Game of Thrones but we all agree that Dany is like top three in the power rankings right? She has dragons and a bunch of dickless mercenaries and shit. It's looking pretty good for her. Well it's looking pretty good for Luke too. He did some weird hot yoga stuff with Jojo and when Ben Roethlisberger inexplicably asked Jojo who the leader in the clubhouse was, she said Luke (among a few others)
1. Jordan is Jon Snow
It's a tale as old as time...little brother, skilled in his own right, lives in the massive shadow of his family members as he tries to make good. Jordan, like Jon, is not the prettiest, strongest, smartest or even most deserving person to win this contest.
But he just HAS to win right? I'm rooting for this moping motherfucker with the good hair. HE HAS TO WIN...and he will.
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