Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Deep Dive: Twilight Concert Series


While today may be the 'official' first day of summer, it is known that the season doesn't kick off in Venice and Santa Monica until people are getting shit faced at the Santa Monica Pier.

Once again we are 15 days away from the Twilight Concert Series, an annual concert series that hosts free shows on Thursday night all summer and doubles as an excuse for me to black out and come in late to work. This year it is hosted by Snap Chat which may be the reason that the line up is one giant flame emoji.

Seriously, there is a 38% chance I will lose my job due to the 15 consecutive Thursdays of extreme debauchery. In the past during these concerts, I have received an OTPHF on the beach, started a fire at Big Dean's and puked on a police horse. This summer I intend to do all of that and more.

Behold your 2016 primer where I will preview each show with my expected alcohol intake. Former addicts, stay away, because it's going to be a wet summer.

July 7 - Mayer Hawthorne
Expected personal alcohol intake: Three bottles of White Girl Rose

They are really kicking the season off with a banger. When I blogged about the line up earlier this season I told the story of rolling so hard after a Mayer Hawthorne concert that I had to call the lobby of the W to see if we were having an earthquake.

The only other time I saw Mayer Hawthorne was at a tiny bar in Venice called Townhouse. I woke up that morning on a boat in Huntington Beach wearing a bear suit. I don't know what it is about Nu Soul music that makes me go so crazy. Perhaps it's like werewolves and the full moon.

Since this is the first show of the summer, there will probably be close to 40,000 people at the Santa Monica Pier. I imagine all of my female friends will bring wonderful wine and cheese spreads because it makes them feel like adults. But me? I will bring a colossal bag of wine. When the good stuff runs out, I will switch to the bad stuff. When that runs out, I will go to Big Deans. When they close I will go to Makai, when Makai closes I will make an ill advised text to a drug dealer, when that person doesn't respond I will wake up at noon the next day and text my boss that I've been in a car accident.

LOL, I'm kidding, I'll set 9 alarms, drink some Pedialyte and make it to work on time.

July 14 - Borns
Expected personal alcohol intake: 1 magnum of Sutter Home

I don't know who Borns is. I'm told he is quite good. I may have seen him during Coachella during a molly black out. I imagine I will go to this show with my softball team as most of my Venice friends will be burned out after a holiday weekend and an aggressive start to the Pier season.

But have no fear. This is why I keep multiple groups of friends on retainer, just like multiple lawyers. At Borns, I will stand to the east of the bike path and play life size beer pong with kickballs and trash cans. I won't even bother pouring my magnum of wine into a cup. I will drink it straight from the bottle. My teeth will literally be purple, it will be gross.

I'll aggressively pursue a random friend of one of my buddy's girlfriends and probably strike out. It's going to be great. Friday morning I'll buy myself three egg mcmuffins on the way to the office. That and five coffees can cure any hangover.

July 21 - The Psychedelic Furs
EPAI: A casual 6 pack of PBR

I saw the name Psychedelic Furs and immediately started praying that they were a Furry DJ act. Can you imagine how crazy a party that would be? A bunch of weird people dressed up like animals celebrating their perverse sexual sub-culture on the beach? 10 out of 10, would go.

Alas, the Psychedelic Furs are a British classic rock band that had a few hits on the Pretty in Pink soundtrack. I'm sure it will be decent beer drinking music. I hope I can convince someone to go with me.

Maybe I'll tell them that the Psychedelic Furs are actually a Furry DJ act.

July 28 - PROTOJE
EPAI: Nothing. Skipping.

I have a Bachelor party the following day in San Diego. I have a feeling it will turn into one of the most expensive weekends of my life. I am renting a 10 bedroom house with 20 guys from my frat and a few others. One of the guys going is worth 100 million dollars. He should probably just pay for the whole thing, right?

8/4 - Natalie Lafourcade
EPAI: TBD, possible skip.

Latin night is always kind of a toss up. It's in the middle of the season and attendance is starting to lag. Although I hate to skip two in a row, I get the feeling that my hangover on Monday is going to be an all timer. That said, Lafourcade kind of sounds like La fornicate? I dunno...might be some Masians out that night trying to get frisky. Maybe I'll just skip the show and go straight to the bars.

8/11 Rufus Du Sol
EPAI: ALL OF THE WINE AND PROBABLY SOME MOLLY

I saw Haim at the pier before they were big and thought to myself 'Holy fuck, these chicks are going to be huge.' Then I saw them at Coachella and yes...they were huge.

I saw Rufus at Coachella last year and thought 'Holy fuck, these guys are going to be huge!!!' and now they're playing the pier in my back yard...wait what?

This may be masked as 'Australian Music' but make no mistake, this is going to be a massive fucking EDM party on the beach. For years, my roommate and I have schemed about throwing a rave on Venice Beach. Just a bunch of people getting hammered, in the sand. Jack U playing, Bieber coming out...GAHHHH.

Well now the good people of Snap Chat are doing it for me. There will be former USC bros wearing Hawaian shirts as far as the eye can see...and I can't fucking WAAAAAAAIT.

Side note: The line at 41 Ocean will be long that night.

8/18 Mavis Staples
EPAI: Nothing. Skipping.

By August 18, Mavis Staples will be a 77 year old Gospel singer. According to her Wikipedia page she has been active since 1950 and once was proposed to by Bob Dylan. Congrats to Mavis on all of her success, but forgive me if I chose to stay in and watch videos of Golden Eagles knocking mountain rams off of cliffs.

8/25 Save Ferris
EPAI: One waterbottle full of vodka

If you don't think I'm getting liquored up on warm Smirnoff and jamming out to a 90's ska-pop-punk-swing band, clearly you don't know me that well.

9/1 Unknown Mortal Orchestra
EPAI: 2 bottles of Sangria and one extremely large joint

Like Borns, my friends that know music tell me that Unknown Mortal Orchestra is dope. They are another band that was at Coachella this year and although they are billed as indie rock, they have a much more psychadelic feel to them.

I imagine this is the night that I drink enough to start feeling pretty good, maybe I smash half a bag of Cheez-its and then some pretty girl hands me a joint. I can't look at her and be like, 'yo...uppers only.' I'll sound like a douche. So I'll take a hit, like a monster Snoop Dogg hit, to prove that I'm cool.

Then I'll spend the rest of the night puking up half a bag of Cheez-its and have to ride my bike home in shame.

and the grand finale........

9/8 Ohio Players
EPAI: A full box of Franzia

Meh. Not the strongest way to go out. Bingo Players would have been better. But this is when I tell you the secret to the pier...

The music doesn't matter.

To be honest, I'll be 500 feet away from the stage in a sea of white people drinking recklessly and I won't hear a god damn thing. It doesn't matter if it's disco music or Taylor Swift, the noise I am going to hear is that of me slapping the bag and then chugging $4 wine.

Since this is the last excuse we will have to drink on the beach for the summer, I'll probably splurge a little. Maybe get some Bay Cities catering. Eh probably not. Probably just a box of wine and an additional 6 pack of Two Buck Chuck, just in case. That's the second secret of the pier.

No one gives a fuck about your spread.

Like sure, it's nice to have a box of Triscuits and some fine cheese. But if you run out of wine? That's like Golden State winning 73 games and choking away the finals. Always err on the side of too much booze, whether it be a party, a dinner or a group of friends sitting Indian style on a blanket next to a lifeguard station.

I mean at least if you want to live in a world where you get text message Friday at work that say "Holy black out, I woke up in a bush" or "Do you remember the name of the chick I left with?"

This is the good shit that gets you through the rest of the day and preps you for the weekend. Last time I checked none of my friends texted me "Hey, that was an excellent hummus you brought last night."

But who knows, maybe I need new friends. Have a fun summer everyone.

No comments:

Post a Comment