Nope I'm not sending you to boystown to get some "fabulous new threads" at the Hollywood Mirror. I am going to draw an extended metaphor to how pregaming effectively can save you a lot of money while boozing in Chicago...also I wanted to let it be known that it isn't THAT hard to come up with a whitty title to a Gossip Girl episode (If you haven't noticed they are all a play on words on some work of lit, tv, movies etc.)
Last night a friend reccomends trivia at State. It's an outstanding venue for team trivia, and it's a chance for people like me that sit around reading blogs all day and playing sporcle, to flex some of their mental floss. Unfortunately the owner of State is a greedy cunt and doesn't believe in Tuesday specials because he knows the unattainable $1000 top prize is enough to draw the most Ken Jenningsest pub trivia players in the greater Chicagoland area. Thus $5 bud light bottles and $13 pitchers. Also the Tuesday policy is no split tabs, as if the Depaul students and twentysomethings will be fighting over the check when it comes. 90% of them will be walking to the bathroom and hoping it "gets figured out."
A rational group will decide to evenly split the tab at the end of the night and get a bunch of pitchers, the problem is...a pitcher holds like 3 1/3 beers each. So the trick is to drink as much of the community beer without appearing to drink more than your fair share. The only thing worse than not being able to get drunk at a bar without dropping a c-note is being labeled as "that guy" at the trivia table. Usually I am given a pass on this because I am undoubtedly our star player and well, you wouldn't yell at Derek Rose for taking the last gatorade.
Pro tip: constantly keep your glass full, when it is 1/3 empty top yourself off...this way you never appear to be sucking down beers at collegiate speeds.
Or...you can disregard everything I have said so far and do the single most effective partying technique for anyone under 30. Pregame effectively.
Lately, before I go to any drinking establishment, 10 shots or 2 four lokos before I walk out of the house are an absolute minimum. I use those because they are quick and effective. If you aren't behind the 8 ball cocktails are a good solution too, but there is nothing better than the adrenaline rush that accompanies a few lightning rounds of pass the handle. Now I know what you're thinking, 10 shots is kind of a lot, especially in 20 minutes. First of all, you are a pussy, leave my blog. Second of all, that's the point; to be completely shithoused and not wake up in the morning with buyers remorse. If you see the guy who is desperately chugging the last sips of vodka before he heads out to Beaumonts on a Saturday and call him pathetic, you are the fool. He is a smart consumer, and he is going to buy those new Sperry's at Nordstrom tomorrow because he dodn't have to spend an additional 60 bucks to get properly blacked out upon arrival. He was already tounge deep in a Freshman on the dance floor, while you were akwardly buying rounds of shots because you didn't know how to handle that lair of sin with a semi-clear mind.
So...this Saturday is unofficial St. Patty's Day in Chicago (Fuck you U of I don't start with me, your campus looks like a full toilet bowl that was just victim to a 40 minute stall session of Angry Birds, streaks and all) Conventional wisdom would tell you to go downtown really early, go to a bar, drink green beer, see the river dyed...wrong wrong WRONG. Go to a pregame at 7 am with all your friends, take an unsocial ammount of drinks, do things that you couldnt do at most bars i.e. shotgun beers, lay a seed with the girl you later want to fuck, and when you think that if you take one more drink you won't be able to remember your own name...go to Division St. You'll have plenty of time to act a fool once you get there. You are going to need that extra cash to grease the door guy when he tosses you out for public urination...or to hand your slam piece for a cab ride home in the morning.
Stay tuned for a more detailed blog about St. Patty's day, but just remember, drinking an entire fifth before you go out is not anti-social and stupid, it is just Fiscal conservatism at its finest.
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