Mardi Gras

We'll get this out of the way up front and early. I have never been to New Orleans, I'm sure it is infinitely better and I am a huge pussy for never having been. But at least St. Louis can handle some fucking rain. Like honestly I don't understand how a "flood" could ever endanger someone. I understand that it would suck to have your shit destroyed, but if you didn't grow up taking swimming lessons at your local country club, you probably deserve to drown anyway.

Anyway, 5 years ago when there was a bad thunderstorm in Louisiana and George Bush declared his hatred of black people to Kanye West, St. Louis decided to pick up the torch and have a Mardi Gras celebration. I stayed at SLU last year with a friend and we woke up at 6am, went to a bar for kegs and eggs and got bussed to and from the district in which the festivities take place. The parade is really nothing special, the whole day is just kind of like Chicago's Beadquest bar crawl with more sluts and about 10,000 more people.

The drive to St. Louis may be the only thing worse than the drive through Ohio, if you are from Indiana and any surly Chicago fuck ever gives you shit for being born in a cornfield, tell that asshat to take a hike down 55 and treat himself to a glass of shut the fuck up. The horrid stretch of misery that is Central and Southern Illinois will put a driver to sleep. (Although whatever river that Springfield resides on looks like it could be fun to visit maybe once, it looks like a good river for drinking)

I have a horrible problem of sleepwalking when I get ragingly drunk in an unfamiliar place. I know it sounds weird, but it is an extremely serious problem. I have woken up in boxers in socks in all corners of the world including Barcelona, Munich, Jim Shiel's mom's closet and St. Louis. Needless to say last year was a bad one. I came to on the SLU soccer field more or less naked at 4am. Fortunately for me, the bars were opening at 5 and a college campus is understanding to the whole black out and sleepwalk think. Also because the guy that I was staying with was cool (pro tip: only surround yourself with other extremely popular people) the peeps at the bar knew where he lived. I had been in his apt long enough to drop my shit off, I didn't recall where it was. Thus, I was able to return home, brush my teeth and put on pants and grabbed a handful of plastic colored necklaces to taunt 19 year old girls to show me their boobs. (This never works, you will see a pregnant 42 year olds drooping chest and thats about it...unless you are with Paul Bird who can convince two twins to scissor on camera for beads)

I would make a strong recomendation to go hard early because if you don't down 15-20 screwdrivers before you get to the bar district at 10am its going to be a $200 day. $8 a drink, and if you don't know how to pull tail without buying girls and their friends shots, it could be more like a $400 day. (Obviously you should only approach a girl that looks to have seperated from her friends with a full drink)

A few random notes from my experience last year
-Dress up, if you don't you will look like a douche. I wore a yellow polo pullover and felt completely inadequate. I bet I felt like how fat people feel day in and day out, if they could just lose 20 pounds everything would be so much better...like if I would have been wearing a purple feathery boa and a mask.

-Charge your phones. Sounds like a no-brainer but if you are on a 12 hour bar crawl you need all the battery you can hack. This means no telling your friends back home ho much fun you are having, no calling your significant other you miss them. Fuck them, they didn't come. People that call people on their adventures to tell them how much fun they are having, are not really having a good time. You wandered off alone to call some1 because you are bored and no one is talking to you. I lost my roommate last year, and if it were not for him trading batteries with a comatose person with a similar phone, I doubt he would have ever been found.

-Pill up son. You will need your stimulant of choice be it rockstar, 5 hour, loko, adderall...it's a long day with lots of drinking. You don't want to be the assclown that makes your entire party go home because you can't stay awake at a bar. If this happens to someone in your group, I would find it perfectly acceptable to hide their body somewhere safe while they sleep it off and you continue to have a good time.

-Just say fuck it. Mardi Gras is a celebration of hedonistic pleasures. No one cares about your boyfriend, wife, kids. They want to know how drunk they can get, maintain a pulse and if you are in fact DTF. Go in with an open attitude and treat it like a weekend in Vegas, just a lot colder and with no gambling. But if you really go to Vegas for the sun and the gambling, you're in the wrong place. You can visit one of Michael Vick's properties in Virginia for sun and gambling.

I'll be there again this year, hope to party with you if you will be making the trip likewise. Bring some madlibs and a Game Boy Color for the car ride, or if you are the passenger like me, just bring a case of beer and some empty plastic bottles to fill.