Rules of Engagement

Hollywood rom-com states that there will be a meet cute in the first act, the 2 characters for whatever reason can't or shouldn't be together. The second act will show their "forbidden love" blossoming until ultimately some sort of conflict will tear them apart, dramatic proclomation of love, happily ever after...unless it's (500) days of summer and Zooey Deschanel is just a stupid cunt and JGL gets Minka Kelly in the end anyway, win. Similarly, the classic relationship would have a couple meeting, perhaps through a mutual friend, maybe at some social engagement or even through work. Numbers are exchanged, phone calls and casual dates are set up. Whilst the two are in their dating phase they learn about one another, their likes, dislikes, compatibility. After a while the couple in question begins a romantic relationship.

Flash forward to today, let's revisit that classic scenario. Hammered guy meets hammered girl in a bar. Somehow pries her number out of her, they begin texting. Constantly. They start gchatting at work. Sometimes when one of the two is a bit imbibed the texts will get hot and racy. The 2am "come over" will be seen on the girl's phone any night that male goes out. Mind you these two have been in constant communication since that one fateful night at the bar, but really have only seen eachother once, and probably don't have a good grasp of what the other looked like. On the side, they are both probably going out with their friends, getting theirs if they are fortuitous enough to do so. But one night the 2am text works. The awkwardness of the late night arrival is overshadowed by the massive intoxication of both parties involved. They fuck, they have an awkward morning...this is the beginning of a 21st century relationship.

Chivalry has been dead for quite some time, but the impersonal nature of relationships has changed the rules of engagement forever. Gone is the pestering some girl to go out to dinner with you, why even bother when it's been proven that witty texts and sexual innuendo are the true way to a girl's heart. There is a youtube video called "Texting your way to love" that pretty much nails this entire scenario. However, this brings us to the next question, is responding to a text basically an agreement to a sexual advance? Is it polite? What is a girl to do if a guy acquires her number and suffocates her via text? I would advise to not respond, even the most aggressive and persistent guy will eventually get tired of texting a brick wall.

So what's the next step, you met, you exchanged numbers, you had the 2am hookup you either end it or continue this charade and try to morph in into a normal relationship. But due to the nature of the circumstances in whcih you met, this usually just results in a 3 month fuck buddies stage. No rules, no strings, eventually someone will get bored the texts will become more infrequent and the gchatting will stop. No more cute emails, you see eachother out and it's kind of weird, you talk and maybe if you get drunk enough you go home together, maybe you don't the flame is gone. Thus is the story arc of "new relationship" meet, number, drunk hook-up, sober hookup, boredom, calls screened, break-up. Depressing right? Well you can easily start another string of this exact same situation immediately after, it's pretty easy to get a girl/guy's number and start an aggressive regiment of humorous and implied texting. In fact you can carry on a few of these faux relationships on at a time if you cover your tracks and plan accordingly, and if you get caught, whatever, you're an asshole sure. No worries.

It can work though. I'm sure there are couples out there who have fallen in love over a drunken "send me naughty pics" text at 5 in the morning. "I promise I won't show them to your friends." (Sidenote: that is a lie that every guy will tell you. Any girl who has ever sent naughty pics to one of my friends has showed me and everyone else that person knows the pics, how fucking stupid can you be? In fact, many of you reading this blog...I've seen those pictures your boyfriend PROMISED he would never show anyone)

But ya, maybe they fall in love and start doing real couple things, get in a real relationship that would require a real break-up not just a cold shoulder from the cell phone. And maybe it will be an embarassing story, how did you meet? Your dad would text me 100 times a day and one night I got drunk enough to go blow him...well it's better than meeting on Match.com.