Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Girlfriends

Uh oh, here it comes, a 2000 word onslaught of how fucking lame it is to have a girlfriend when you could be out sleeping with half the city and telling tales of legend to your friends while chugging beers and collecting high fives. Right? I mean single dude in Chicago? That's what it's all about, tallying that number skyward to compete with the likes of Hank Moody, Easy-E and Magic Johnson. Unfortunately I don't want to let you down, that's not what this post is about. You may choose to basically be married at this point but remain legally single, you may choose to live a lifestyle where "a bitch can't tell you shit" and that's fine as well. Summer is coming and every "bro" blog will tell you to end your hibernation, get to the beach and pick up some ripe tale, I just want to have a frank discussion about how to behave with a girlfriend, a little protocol to keep in mind. So without further adu, my rules for girlfriend etiquette.

To the rest of the world your girlfriend is just another chick that your boys are not allowed to hook-up with. Let's be honest, she doesn't add a lot of value to your friends. She is just another body on the couch Monday-Friday, another voice talking over the TV, an excuse your buddy has for not coming out with you on a Wednesday. No matter how cool your girlfriend thinks she is, I guarantee she falls short. Wants to come over and watch football and demonstrate her knowledge of the sport, great now I can't say the word cunt out loud. No, but it's cool she doesn't care if you talk about how drunk you got last night, or call other girls names, she's one of the guys! No she's fucking not.

Now let's not turn this into a boys and girls are incapable of being platonic friends, but if it's your boy's girl, that is a slippery slope. Let's be honest, every guy has had a platonic female friend who eventually they have fallen for (see any romantic comedy ever made) it's just a bad idea. Befriending your buddy's chick turns into texting, turns into flirting, turns into how can we start fucking without getting caught and potentially murdered. Now that we have that out of the way, what good is your buddy's girlfriend?

Well she can cook and clean for the guys. The quickest way to a guys heart is his stomach and then if he can be lazy and not move afetr feasting double bonus. This isn't to say you have to be a slave to your boyfriend's friends, just think of it as your rent payment. You are breathing their air, showering at their place, watching TV taking up space..I mean at least when I go to a girl's house for an overnighter I bring enough wine for her female roommates while we watch Gossip Girl and Glee.

But even providing a service such as food prep or waste management isn't enough, the main thing you are taking away from his friends is his time. They miss their buddy? How do you make up for this aggregious offense? Duh, enter your friends, your secret weapon. The best way to satisfy a pissed off group of male roommates who feel that you have stolen their friend is to throw an army of sluts at them to get them preoccupied. This is probably the second best way outside of coworkers to expand one's social circle, friend starts dating girl, girl introduces friends, you meet her friends' coworkers and then you meet Kevin Bacon BOOM!

Just remember, everything is great in small doses, if you overtake the castle and move some of your shit in, MAJOR turnoff. Like it is logical to have a bag of your stuff there and perhaps a shower kit but it shows a stinging sense of entitlement. You are not entitled to shit. You may blow 1/5 of the roommates, but the other 4 will come to hate you. And then they will turn on you, and girls don't stand a chance against a unified front of angry friends. Trust me, I have played Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" on repeat until my friend lost his mind and eventually did what had to be done, it will get very very bad. At least annoy in equal doses, I'm sure the girlfriend's female friends equally despise my roommate, but at least if they trade off every other, the hate is evenly distributed. The coolest girlfriends are the kind you see once a week at a bar with a group of her friends, and I understand that we're getting older and it's time to get more serious, but until you get a place together it's best to not be seen nor heard from.

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